Terrible therapy session

[Scarlet13]

I’m not sure about others that have been molested as a child, that are grown with children now. But I...

Thanks for this support. No I do not feel proud. Only very sick and like I may have lost my therapist. I dont like getting upset. I just need to explain how her approach made the thoughts more real, more possible, more horrifying.

 

[Sideways]

It's not easy, especially when the thought comes back at you over and over. But with practice, we can train our brain to stop engaging with particular thoughts. The content of the thought is pretty unpleasant - shrugging it off will probably get exhausting. But it really does work. Your brain will move on.

You've got a tonne of insight going on here: you know this is anxiety, you know what the trigger is, why it's a trigger, the underlying fear... You're doing great.

Therapy is a pretty painful thing. Challenging thoughts like this is a really distressing thing to have to go through. But it does work. You've got this:)

 

[Scarlet13]

Thanks for these responses I feel better. I am going to talk to my T to tell her that that strategy was triggering to me.
It is hard to trust her, to keep going in therapy. I dont know if she is still a good therapist. If our relationship is still good, if we can work thru this.
It sounds like what she did was pretty standard. I just cannot accept and ponder thru the scenario of "what if I mollest my daughter, it will be something I could handle because I would get help".
No, this will not even be a situation to get help with, because it will never happen.
This would be like going into a childs room after a nightmare and saying "so, what would you do if there really are monsters under the bed?"
This may work to give the child control, but it would likely backfire. It makes it more real, more concrete. It is a nightmare, dont bring it into reality.
She was not attuned to me and did the wrong thing. How do I get thru this?
I am worried she will not want to work with me if we keep having ruptures like this. I dont know what is going on with us.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I really think that you need to have an honest and open talk with your therapist. Explain everything, how you feel, and that what she said to you triggered you. Really open up and talk. You may not like some of the things she says, but having an open conversation may help in reconnecting and keep the therapy going...

 

[Scarlet13]

So I cannot let go of being so upset about this. I did not sleep well again last night.
This morning I woke up at 5 am angry.
I am angry that she wanted me to go down the path of lets pretend you are a child molester and then see how you could get help.
The help certainly would not be from her. I would lose my job.
There is no comfort in imagining this situation and it is insulting.
I have felt a little better putting it on here because many people can see what she was doing and that it seems normal. Yet, I am just so upset by this theraputic path.
She just emailed me back saying that she agrees I would never molest my children and lets talk about it on Monday.
I am just so angry at her. I bet she never has had to have a hypothetical conversation about potentially molesting her children.
But I did because I have mental illness, so I need to know that if I do decide to just molest my children (which makes sense because it was done to me) so I would be alright in this choice because "there would be help."
Great thank you for that. No, I do not think I would be alright even with the f*cking help.
I would most likely kill myself.
There is no way ever that I would be like my abusers, but thanks so much for putting me in the same league as them thinking that would bring me comfort.
Why am I in therapy again? To feel like shit?

 

[MJC3680]

So, I had a hard session today with my T.
I was in a good place because last week in our session she...

I think I’m pretty much reiterating what everybody else has said, but I think she was trying to get you to recognize that thoughts are just thoughts. They do not have power over you, and they never did. You are the one who decides whether or not to give them power over you (although it often doesn’t feel that way). And while her method was rough, and obviously triggered a very negative and painful reaction in you, her point got across. I’m a survivor of sexual assault as well, and I often have very violent thoughts about inflicting pain on others - just so they can feel as much pain as I have - but I also know that I would never, could never, do that in reality, no matter how intrusive and vivid those thoughts are. Posing “what if” questions doesn’t change reality, it only encourages cognitive flexibility, which is definitely a good thing. So trust yourself, and what you know about yourself; trust yourself enough to ask and answer questions that are uncomfortable, even if you are sure that that situation will never occur. And remember that even if it sounded like she was implying you might be capable of acting on those thoughts that’s clearly not the case. If she thought there was even a slight possibility of that she would have been legally required to report it - so trust in the fact that she trusts you too.

 

[Scarlet13]

I have to talk this out with her on Monday and then decide if I can still work with her.
Thank you every one for your insights. Its always nice not to feel alone with this sort of thing.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Scarlet13 I know this is hard, but you need to let go of the anger with your therapist. She may have had very specific reasons behind asking you that question. Give her some slack and yourself a rest from the anger...

 

[Scarlet13]

Yes, thank you. I have been very angry.
I snapped at my husband, well more like yelled and then apologized.
I really hope you are right and that she had a plan and not that she just is suddenly not good at trauma work.
I also have that I just remembered and shared csa raw feeling where I can't handle the intimacy of even being alive and having conversations with people.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's ok to be angry. There is a reason for the anger. It is protecting you.

I have a month long feud of sorts with my community outreach person. She's clueless when it comes to ptsd and doesn't understand how her actions make me feel unsafe.

 

[Eagle3]

Just one more viewpoint from a fellow CSA survivor...Obsessive thoughts happen because we try to combat them with denial and moral "I would never". I used to have all kinds of obsessive thoughts about hurting people, hurting myself, etc; but when my T had me talk about the thoughts and experience the full gamut of emotions and consequences that went with them, my brain was finally able to process whatever the rumination was trying to process, and the thoughts gradually tapered off. I had to become comfortable with the painful and uncomfortable thoughts and emotions before the obsession would stop. I still tend to have the occasional "what if I" moments, but because of the techniques my T used to face the truth behind the obsessions, I not only know I won't act on them, but I recognize them as just trauma-based thoughts. While I agree your T needed a more stable base of trust to do such work, therapeutically speaking, this is a rock-solid technique for dealing with obsessive thoughts of this nature. I think she just jumped the gun with you. The trust groundwork hadn't been properly laid for this technique.

Hope you two work this out, and you find relief from your thoughts. It takes time, but trust the process and your guide in it (T) as best you can.

 

[Scarlet13]

Just one more viewpoint from a fellow CSA survivor...Obsessive thoughts happen because we try to combat th...

Hi, thank you for this insight. It really helps in a lot of ways. Thank you for pointing out that my T is doing a specific technique. I will find out more about this on monday. I am building trust with her, it has been a year and a half.

I still think that she was trying to give me the message that if I suddenly became a child molester then I would survive because I could get help. Whatever. I think the people who molest, especially their own children, have an extreme form of narcissism which I do not have NPD. So, I agree with others this strategy has worked to clarify I am not a molester. But I am full of anger and pain and I have a cold.

I am just trying to use good self care until I see her. I am about to have kimchee and matza ball soup. Funny combo.