Terrified Of My Mom Coming Back

[new gamma rays]

My mom has been out of town for over a week helping my sister. It has been a god send really because I have so much hatred and rage that living around her i am always afraid of being triggered and losing control. So most of the time I feel the anger inside me, and when it really boils up I feel like it is too much to ever be expressed without causing harm to myself. It sometimes feels like either she lives or I do. She is responsible for the worst trauma that could ever have happened to me, and I have to try to blot out this fact to keep living normally around my parents.

Obviously it cannot work out for long. But for the past week it has just been my dad and me, and while I haven't felt relief, I have not felt like the world is ending and a feeling of pure panic until just now when I started thinking about how I got to be the point I am at with regards to my multiple traumas, and how I never had a chance to deal with any of it.

So my mom returning is causing a lot of alarm for me at the moment. I can't talk about it to my dad, because he just tells me I have to get over it, and I am sort of between therapists right now. That just leaves family friends. But I know talking about it, is not the same as dealing with it when I am stuck in my house. So I don't have any plans on how to cope with this when she does come back - other than self harm plans if things get desperate. I can get away to a relatives for part of a day some times, but I am pretty seriously ill and it takes a lot of effort to get away. I've really painted myself into this corner, and I don't really know what to do.

I haven't had good luck turning up a helpful therapist, so its probably going to be a situation where I just get whatever advice I can at this point.

 

[KwanYingirl]

YOU have not painted yourself into a corner. Your mothers actions put you there. Don't blame yourself. She is the adult, she had a responsibility to you and failed. What child could possibly escape from an abusive parent?

I am concerned that you express that self harm is how you will cope with her coming home. That has me written all over it. Yes it gives temporary relief but doesn't give us a healthy method of creating boundaries so we don't end up resorting to self harm.

Keep looking for a therapist. Do you like to exercise? Going for a run when she's in her bad moods will let your body vent it's despair and the endorphins your brain makes will comfort you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I second what @KwanYingirl said.

Do your family friends know about what happened? Because you really need to get out of this situation. I'm sorry to hear that your Dad is so unsupportive. That will only make it harder for you to stay with them, as he probably cannot or will not protect you from your Mom.

If I may ask, does your illness permit you to get another place to stay? Maybe a hotel? Or are you still a minor?

 

[new gamma rays]

• It is hard for me to get to another place on a short notice. Which is probably why I should prepare for awhile in advance. But I just don't. I could try to explain all the logistics, but basically if I go somewhere else I need to be able to deal with my pain while I'm there (which includes being able to take a bath) and right now my only two options are my relatives. And I never really get all the steps together unless I absolutely have to. It seems like more effort than its worth but maybe that's my depression and frustration talking.

My mom comes back Sunday, and while I've got a lot going on with dr.'s appointments, I don't really think I can prepare myself for her return, other than by stuffing things up inside and just wishing I could end it once and for all. A lot of that has to deal with the flashbacks I'm living with every night, and not my mom - but knowing my mom is the root cause and no one will understand that makes me want to gnash my teeth in anger.