Relationship Texts And Presents

[shadesofgreen]

I have two questions:

1. I know I worry a lot. Usually about stupid things and cause my own anxiety. But do PTSD guys (my combat vet) appreciate letters and presents? Since he's 5 states away, I like to send him "care packages" and hand written letters. I feel like if he has something more tangible than a text or a call he'll feel better.

2. Is it difficult to react to the presents and niceties? I think of Christmas, when I surprised him with presents that were really specific: a sweatshirt from his hometown team (I had to hunt and order), a stuffed animal like the one he had as a child (I listened to his stories) and his childhood candy favorite, I got a "thanks" and he held them and looked at them. Sometimes I'll send a fluffy "I love you, you're doing so well, I'm proud of you and admire your drive" text, and he can't respond deeply. Is this normal?

Thank you so much. This place has been beyond helpful.

 

[Kefira]

But do PTSD guys (my combat vet) appreciate letters and presents?

I think the real question is: does YOUR combat vet appreciate letters and presents. No one here can answer that for you. It's a bit like asking if people with PTSD dislike the color blue. This isn't about PTSD. It's about personality and love language.

Yes, as a vast over-generalization people with PTSD will probably be more closed off and have difficulty accepting heartfelt gestures, communication of love or of admiration than the average population. But that could be for many reasons, and it can also swing in completely the opposite direction of needing almost constant reassurance.

Talk to him. Find out what forms of affection are wanted/easy to receive. Maybe look into love languages. I tend to think it's used as way too much a cliche, but it does help generally to understand the different ways humans show affection and the fact that everyone's going to fall somewhere different in the spectrum.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Kefira makes excellent points... I would also add that the same person may vary at different times as well.

If my vet is feeling good, he likes getting little gifts and goodies. If he isn't in a good place, it annoys him. I have to watch the timing of my gifts sometimes.... especially around the holidays, which seem to have a lot of trauma anniversaries for vets.

 

[Peach]

Whole heartedly agree with Kefira and Sweetpea. :tup:

I'm like you Green, I put lots of thought into my gifts.

Tater (combat vet) LOVES getting presents. He keeps a few of the special things I've given him on the little side table by his chair in the livingroom where he can see them every day, but he doesn't really gush on and on about them after the initial reaction and thanks. Likewise, he buys or makes me nice, thoughtful gifts.

He responds better to "I like you" than "I love you." I try to show my love through actions instead of words and it's clear he reciprocates that way.

We've discussed how I equate food with loving and taking care of someone, so he knows that when I send him packs of various candies and chocolate not readily available in the UK, it means more than just "I like Butterfingers, give it a try." It means I like (love) and care for you. After I told him about viewing food that way, he started feeding me from his own plates and cups and everytime I turned around he was handing me another another Victoria sponge cake or packet of chips (crisps). LOL!

And if I may hijack for a moment, I found Tater's birthday gift last week. He is going to flip!!!:smug::D Last year I sent his box a month early. He was strong, resisted opening it for about 2 weeks before he couldn't take it anymore. I've still got 3 months to go and am trying to send it on time this year. Gah!

 

[shadesofgreen]

I reacted to the conversation I had with him and had sent him a book that he loved from his childhood, a tie for his new job, and a really sweet card. And then I saw the pics ... so I think I feel like a double fool and I greatly appreciate all the support.

I'm very glad you found him a wonderful gift :)

 

[Peach]

You were just being sweet and had no idea he was going to post the pics. Try not to feel bad over that...you couldn't have known.

Thanks! :)