That Feeling Of Death.....

[Weapon]

I know how you feel I haven't been into a happy state in such a long time that I feel like I will never be happy again...Not that people don't make my life great but happiness is a thing which seems to pass me by. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person.

 

[freakofnurture]

I wish I could believe that a void of nothingness awaits us all

PM me, if you like. I can show you a mountain of studies and neurological findings that definitely falsify the idea of life after death :)

I don't believe I'm alive, but I'm not dead; I'm both because I'm here physically walking around but on the inside I feel either like I'm dying or dead.

I know that feeling. It sucks. From there to suicidal ideation is just a stone throw for me.

 

[Kintsugi]

Moony and Heather, I relate to this 'gloom' a lot. I'm trying to find a poem, but I can't remember the name of it. It's about a man who walks around with a 'little void' over his shoulder. He leaves it at the door each day and is haunted by it each time he leaves. I sometimes get this feeling inside my home, too, often in my bed, but I related deeply to this poem. Will link if I find it.

I too feel that in some way I have seen The Other Side. I don't think I could qualify my abuse as necessarily life-threatening, as it was all sexual and none of it was done with a knife or a gun, but there were threats made to my life, and because I was so young, I feel like I have always had an acute sense of real suffering and a morbid outlook on life. I remember being eight and pointing out how much I loved all of the death in Autumn. Everything around me was beautifully, beautifully dead.

I highly recommend the book Beatrice and Virgil by Yann Martel. I warn you that the last 20-30 pages are incredibly intense and triggering. That is a little bit of a spoiler, but I didn't get that disclaimer and was destroyed by Mr. Martel. It was one of the best books I have ever read, and I would like to say that my reading is far-reaching and thorough in most eras of literature, at least in the Western world. It is a book about suffering. I sat down to read this book, usually 30-40 pages at a time, and would stop and think, "What the hell is this book about?" But he delivered it, eventually, perfectly. He gave readers the full experience of suffering. It was clearly about suffering. And I was somewhat devastated, but only because I knew too well what he was trying to emphasize to his audience. I cried. It was beautiful and heart-wrenching and way too close to home, but I was happy that he was able to depict suffering as accurately as possible and make that depiction as accessible as possible to his audience.

Here's a fun fact, though (please excuse my compulsively linguistic/literary ways)--the verb "to suffer" comes from sufferre, which means something to the effect of "to come up from under."



[C13: from Old French soffrir, from Latin sufferre, from sub- + ferre to bear]

usage It is better to avoid using the words suffer and sufferer in relation to chronic illness or disability. They may be considered demeaning and disempowering. Suitable alternative are have , experience , be diagnosed with

 

[KP the nut]

One of the things I cannot shake is that when I was in the trauma I really thought I was going to die. Something snapped like I saw the other side, something I was not supposed to see

(((HUGS)))

I blocked out a lot of my car crash, some of it is still a mystery (I can't remember the truck impacting my car). Afterwards I convinced myself I was fine (liar) and some 4 - 5 months later PTSD symptons came crashing into my life.

Sorry, I'm rambling a bit. But it was once I was in EMDR therapy and I was guided to the accident that the whole death thing became an issue. I remembered rescuers being surprised I was alive when they opened the car door, I remembered thinking I was dead or dying. I also had the feeling for months that I'd actually died and that my life was a dream.

EMDR has helped me so much by working on those memories in miniscule detail. Tough, hard, upsetting, terrifying.................. but well worth it.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

I was kidnapped and held with a gun to my head for 4 hours, then sexual assaulted but, there was a moment I thought for sure the man was going to blow my head off... when he let me out of the car and told me to get on my knees, head down and hands behind my back I thought he was going to shoot me... in that moment - my fear was washed away by the sadness that my children would be orphaned - (they already lost their father who died in my arms) I felt death pass through my hands - too many times not to have a feeling, but what it is exactly, may be different for us all - as in our birth. All I know for me is when that time comes I hope to be calm under pressure.

 

[caliaviator]

PM me, if you like. I can show you a mountain of studies and neurological findings that definitely falsify the idea of life after death :)

Yeah but that deals with the brain; which is of the physical world. I don't think we'll ever be able to measure a spiritual realm because it's beyond our grasp.

. Everything around me was beautifully, beautifully dead.

I absolutely love gothic art for this reason. I think the image of something dark and foreboding has a sense of beauty, power, and grace behind it. Dark castles and cathedrals, Black wings and clothes around dead trees and snow fall around ruined buildings, or even a developed industrial part of a city with smoke rising up. Beauty is everywhere.

 

[freakofnurture]

I remember being eight and pointing out how much I loved all of the death in Autumn.

I feel less alien and out of place in autumn. When the world is cold and dying or dead it aligns better with my subjective view of it. Everything is more alright in autumn and winter.

I don't think we'll ever be able to measure a spiritual realm because it's beyond our grasp.

Why do you think that there is a 'spiritual realm'? If there's evidence that means there's interaction between 'spiritual' and 'physical', and if there's interaction we can measure it.

 

[caliaviator]

[quote="freakofnurture, post: 223083"\
Why do you think that there is a 'spiritual realm'? If there's evidence that means there's interaction between 'spiritual' and 'physical', and if there's interaction we can measure it.[/quote]

Well, it's probably because I don't really have much faith in human ingenuity to really be able to measure it. We're flawed creatures, so by that extension everything we do is flawed. There are some things, even that we know exists, that cannot be measured. I'll put my faith in the spiritual world because I know even though tests and theories may not prove it, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

But if you want proof there is only really one way to find out, but unfortunately nobody has brought data back from the other side, and I wouldn't recommend finding out to begin with lol. Though these days it seems like science is becoming a religion all by itself from what I hear from some people I talk to on a daily basis.

 

[freakofnurture]

I'll reply via PM. We're going waaay off topic from OKRAD's original question.

 

[Heather]

Do you find that the feeling goes away by itself

Apparently NOT 'cause it's a week later and I still feel like sh*t. My therapist said that with hypomania I get more of the depressive side and a lot LESS of the manic side. I said that's not fair.:p

 

[Kintsugi]

My therapist said that with hypomania I get more of the depressive side and a lot LESS of the manic side. I said that's not fair.:p

It's not fair! My SO suffers from manic episodes. I wish I had a little mania going on sometimes, to be honest. No offense meant! I just mean that at least he seems to be on top of the world for part of it and I just want to die most of the time. : (

Moony, I get this feeling pretty frequently. Usually grounding exercises can be effective for me, though not totally. Sometimes I just need to retreat to a safe place with a safe person/safe people and stay there a while. Sometimes it hangs about for weeks or more.

 

[mamachick]

I can relate to that feeling. When I knew I was falling it was like the s l o w e s t motion I can imagine before I hit the floor and was out. When I started coming to-A man was telling me to stay still and the paramedics were coming because I fell. Then I remembered falling and thought oh shi#, Im ok, I gotta get up and out here or my mother is going to be so mad. (you are clumsy, your shoes too tight, your heel is to tall, etc). A fifty year old woman fell, an 8 yr old got up. (mother died 10 yrs ago) so that is a pretty strange awakening. I was examined but after a week and pain getting worse and could not breathe, went to urgent care . They called and said rib broke and lung collapsed. An hour later they called again and said report from hospital called and I have a blood clot in lung-I think that is what really set in the ptsd in motion. Im a single mom and can die of blood clot and who will care for my kids.