Relationship The Affects Of Ptsd On Relationships And Intimacy

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

I know you love him but you need to love you, too. Maybe at this point walk away and give yourself some space between the two of you... Who knows - you may stay gone for different reasons than the reasons you left.

 

[Ron]

Hi Miss Amber! I can really feel for your situation. It sounds just like mine. I have been in a struggling marriage for about 2 to 3 years now. I know what real inner pain and suffering is all about.

You guys need serious marriage counselling. Without it, you guys are done/finished. You guys need to learn about time-outs. When things get heated, someone calls a time-out where you both seperate and chill but come back in a couple of hours and talk about it.
Use "I" message always. Instead of "you're an ass*%$*), say, I feel hurt when you said that to me in front of your friends. It only works when you both do it by the way.

I think he needs to address his ptsd asap and work at it hard (with help of course)
I would do a trial separation if the time-outs don't work.

I wish you the best of luck.

Lean on me when you need some support. I am always around. Cheers, Ronnie !:)

 

[Miss Amber]

The last thing I got from him was a text nearly 3 hours ago. And of course I had sent several to him during the course of the day expressing how angry I was over what happened last night and how he didn't acknowledge me or the stranded situation at all. My dad was pretty upset over what happened last night mainly because he had to get out of bed to help me with the stranded situation and because the situation would have never happened to begin with had my boyfriend no asked me to leave his apartment. I told him in one of the texts that my dad was angry over the situation and seeing as my boyfriend pretty much acted as though he wasn't concerned about the situation at all it of course only angered me more. Thus lead to the text where I told him the plans we had to grill out with my dad were cancelled. He replied with it was bull and he didn't know I was that low on gas and now I had my family mad at him, to come get my phone tomorrow (he's on my cell plan) and that he was "done with it all". I sent a few more messages to him after that, but he isn't saying anything to me now.

Was I wrong to be angry over what happened last night? More specifically, was I wrong to be angry over his lack of concern about my being locked out of my house, not telling me to come back to his apartment when I told him I was locked out, and then his lack of concern when I was out of gas and stranded for over an hour?

 

[Nerdanna]

Hey Miss Amber...I can identify with everything you are experiencing except I have been married for 20 years and it has been a struggle 20 years. I know in my case my husband simply has to zone everything out..including me and our son. This has been extremely painful for me and I have learned to understand but you have to take care of your needs as well. You can't fix him and it will never go away. If you are not married then think long and hard about what you need from a relationship and whether or not he will be able to fill that need otherwise you are in for great heartache. After you are married it is even more complicated.
Good luck and I know you will find a great deal of support on this forum. As you have heard repeatedly you are not alone.

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Don't beat yourself up Miss Amber... you have a right to your feelings, too.. And, I would be livid if left stranded - you're vulnerable and subject to harm....

 

[Miss Amber]

I still haven't heard from him even after I sent him a text this morning asking what time he wanted to leave for his VA appointment tomorrow. He doesn't have a vehicle right now so I would assume I am his only mode of transportation there and for no response to even that... *sighs*

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Keep your mind busy and distracted so you do not feel the need to worry about him... He is a big boy.

 

[Jstalaboin]

All I have to say is that I can relate and you're not alone sister. *hugs*

 

[3kidsinpa]

Miss Amber this may be hard too hear but what they are saying is true. There is a very likely chance that things will not change anytime soon, if at all. I would suggest that you take a hard look at your needs as well and get some counseling to help you decide if this is the best relationship for you.

Many of us have kids and stay because of this and other commitments such as our marriage. I can honestly tell you that if I was just dating him and there was no kids involved knowing what I know and how long it has been going on ( he came home in 2008 and nothing is better yet) I would walk away.

You need to also take you needs into consideration and think about what you deserve. Good luck and please consider talking with your family about the situation.

 

[celia]

Miss Amber, this relationship sounds just like mine when we were together....I feel you on the "sighs".
He's not there in your time of need and he's not there in HIS time of need. There you go...what else can ya do? Try to smile and maybe ...I don't know if its ok...but laugh at PTSD sometimes, even though I know that its no joke and causes major turmoil. Its like a no win. I'm with you girl!

 

[havingfaith]

Miss Amber, I can totally relate to all that your write about. I have found the more you text and try to communicate with them, the further away they run. They can't handle anything at the time of isolation. It took me a long time to learn this. I still do not deal with it well.

The feeling that they don't care is great at times. I have found out how you respond vs. react is important. If I get upset and I don't mean yell type upset. I mean just change of tone of voice like I am hurt. He will go into a tizzy of guilt or just lose it and hang up on me. Sometimes we don't even realize we change our voice but they hear it.

We are currently on the upswing of his isolation. I realize that it can change from hour to hour right now. I have stopped walking on eggshells, have learned to think before I speak. Mine can't deal with anything I need while in isolation. He will pull further away if I even say that I need his help with something.

These are just some of the things I am learning. I am still learning here. I have been with my bf for 14 months and I am middle age and do love him. I do know that if he can't help himself and work on things then it is not fair to me to give up my self worth and confidence and chance for a full relationship. I am a strong person a navy wife for 25 years before a divorce. So I look at this with a different view than some. I don't give up easily but this is a roller coaster ride that we as a passenger next to our best friend have no one to hang on to at times. We need to be strong and independent and know how to live with out someone holding our hand every day.

Stay strong and keep a journal. You might learn a pattern of what bothers him or at least see the good days compared to bad days.
Do it for you and how you feel at the end of the day. I learned I was selfish and wanted more than he could give at times. Then I learned I was giving up far more than I should.

 

[jmm214407]

Miss Amber, I am a former MARINE I struggled with this same problem. Did you two ever work things out?