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The Big Black Hole!
- Post starter Lucycat
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- #14
Lucycat
Sponsor
Hi, thanks for the words of comfort.
As I said, I can SEE the hole. But I am not in it. I took a good dose of the potion last night, and it helped me through the birthday party. I am saving the rest to take in equal measures throughout the week.:D
Next weekend is going to be another challenge. I don't even want to think about that yet.:no:
As I said, I can SEE the hole. But I am not in it. I took a good dose of the potion last night, and it helped me through the birthday party. I am saving the rest to take in equal measures throughout the week.:D
Next weekend is going to be another challenge. I don't even want to think about that yet.:no:
cherryblossom
VIP Member
One day at a time.......
Lucy, if it's about therapy, could maybe take a break? I see you stress a great deal over this and I'm worried you'll go into overdrive when you can avoid it. I don't think your T would mind, would he?
- Post starter
- #17
Lucycat
Sponsor
Hi Nyx
This weekend I have arranged to meet and old school pal. She and her family are coming to Scotland to celebrate her son's graduation from university. We have arranged to meet her and her family for lunch on Saturday, many miles from where we live and where they will be staying.
My abuser was my father, who is now in prison for what he did to me and 5 others. My friend (Eddie) is also a victim, although she felt she could not give a statement, so is not one of the other 5. I am very fond of her and her family, and do not hold it against her that she could not testify. However, when the card arrived suggesting that we meet I went on a downward spiral. I am still not sure if we are doing the right thing.
She, herself has recently spent time in hospital. ? Psychosomatiic? I feel we both need to meet, will support each other, but I still feel guilt that it was MY FATHER that caused the problems. She does not have a father herself, and never has in the time I have known her. It will be hard this weekend when we meet again. But we have to do this.
This weekend I have arranged to meet and old school pal. She and her family are coming to Scotland to celebrate her son's graduation from university. We have arranged to meet her and her family for lunch on Saturday, many miles from where we live and where they will be staying.
My abuser was my father, who is now in prison for what he did to me and 5 others. My friend (Eddie) is also a victim, although she felt she could not give a statement, so is not one of the other 5. I am very fond of her and her family, and do not hold it against her that she could not testify. However, when the card arrived suggesting that we meet I went on a downward spiral. I am still not sure if we are doing the right thing.
She, herself has recently spent time in hospital. ? Psychosomatiic? I feel we both need to meet, will support each other, but I still feel guilt that it was MY FATHER that caused the problems. She does not have a father herself, and never has in the time I have known her. It will be hard this weekend when we meet again. But we have to do this.
Please be careful about this. Have your support system "armed and ready" just in case anything goes bad. It could be a good thing for the both of you, a purging meeting.
But don't go there feeling guilty for what another has done to her. It doesn't matter if you're related to him, it's not you who told him to abuse people. He chose that, and among the others he also abused you. Don't carry HIS guilt and shame, leave them where they belong.
In the meantime, maybe you could do something to take the load off and move your train of thoughts. Thinking about the meeting will not make it happen faster and will not make it go "according to plan".
Find something nice to do, an activity you enjoy.
Take care :hug:
But don't go there feeling guilty for what another has done to her. It doesn't matter if you're related to him, it's not you who told him to abuse people. He chose that, and among the others he also abused you. Don't carry HIS guilt and shame, leave them where they belong.
In the meantime, maybe you could do something to take the load off and move your train of thoughts. Thinking about the meeting will not make it happen faster and will not make it go "according to plan".
Take care :hug:
- Post starter
- #19
Lucycat
Sponsor
Thanks Nyx.
I will be careful. I have discussed this fully with my T. I /We have been planning it for some time.
Eddie and I have actually agreed that we will not be talking about the 'past', and the fact that her children will be there will help with that.
I know I should not carry his guilt. I tell myself often. I understand on a logical level, but I cannot let it go. Part of this is because Eddie told me a few months ago, that she told me when we were children what my father had done and I dismissed her. I don't recall the conversation, but have no reason to doubt her. It hurts that I let her down. That is MY guilt.
Anyway, I don't want to go on about it.
We will have lunch. A pleasant time together and then go our separate ways. I know I will have varying amounts of stress before then. I have just had 2 very long, busy days at work, so am taking the day off tomorrow. Having a 'me' day:)
I will be careful. I have discussed this fully with my T. I /We have been planning it for some time.
Eddie and I have actually agreed that we will not be talking about the 'past', and the fact that her children will be there will help with that.
I know I should not carry his guilt. I tell myself often. I understand on a logical level, but I cannot let it go. Part of this is because Eddie told me a few months ago, that she told me when we were children what my father had done and I dismissed her. I don't recall the conversation, but have no reason to doubt her. It hurts that I let her down. That is MY guilt.
Anyway, I don't want to go on about it.
We will have lunch. A pleasant time together and then go our separate ways. I know I will have varying amounts of stress before then. I have just had 2 very long, busy days at work, so am taking the day off tomorrow. Having a 'me' day:)
- Post starter
- #20
Lucycat
Sponsor
I have lost sight of the Big Black Hole.
Yippee!!
Yippee!!
- Post starter
- #22
Lucycat
Sponsor
Just thought I would revisit this thread. In the few days before Christmas I would not say I was anyway near suicidal, but it was drawing my attention a little. Reading this is a very helpful reminder as to how far I/we have come.
- Post starter
- #23
Lucycat
Sponsor
Hmmm. I fell in that hole again. Bigtime. Right there in the depths with no way out and no light getting in. Boy, was it painful? I cannot believe the speed with which I went down this time. In just a matter of days I went from reasonably OK to distraught.
My Psychiatrist says this is progress. Instead of being frozen within the Big Black Hole I took action. Inappropriate action maybe, but movement nonetheless. This he says is good. I trust him, but still feel a bit strange about the whole idea.
My Psychiatrist says this is progress. Instead of being frozen within the Big Black Hole I took action. Inappropriate action maybe, but movement nonetheless. This he says is good. I trust him, but still feel a bit strange about the whole idea.
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