The big sleep

[bhm]

I think the only thing I'm more tired of than life itself is constantly trying to convince my T's that if I was going to top myself it would have happened long ago, and just because I admit praying often that I just don't wake up anymore doesn't mean I'm suicidal, I'm just really tired of the daily battle to exist in a world where if I stay sober it's next to impossible for me to do almost anything at this point without being triggered, including sleeping! I'm hoping once I get some stability back into my life maybe I'll be able to relax a bit, but it's doubtful, and I'm so bloody tired of being alone because im tired of everyone running away from me when they realize how broken I am, seriously, I come from a scenario of incredible childhood trauma, I feel like an asshole everytime I try to get involved with someone new who doesn't know me when they find out about my past because I scream and fight and yell in my sleep, and then there's always the joy of realizing your not compatible with a new partner you really like because something they do, the way they touch you, the way they smell, etc,..triggers you when you attempt intamacy, it's beyond depressing, I'd be worried if I didn't feel like taking the big sleep, Sheesh, I'm so tired of being alone, but I guess it's the way it goes, it's easier than constantly setting myself up for imminent let down and failure,

 

[shatter eyes]

It must be exhausting.
I too have night terrors.
I get triggered by smells and more.

The body mind and soul needs rest and natural restoring rest which i wish i have a big sleep so i can catch up...recharge...and hopefully wake up with a renewed outlook on living.

The big sleep....counting the big big black sheeps

 

[bhm]

Well no rest for the wicked tonight, no matter how many of those sheep's I count, I hate sobriety, I hate life, unfortunately it's been trained into me not to be like that and give up,.a twisted masochist theroy I reckon, no matter what happens or how weird it gets, you are not allowed to die. Only suffer, I hate this existing

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @bhm..... OK so it's been been very difficult for you.... I'm so sorry that bad things happened to you.
That's alot of feeling there.... Alot of cognitive Distortion....

You have stopped drinking... That's amazing and takes great courage.... And yes you feel very depressed but you won't always feel this way. You will learn new ways of coping and stop being so hard on yourself... Does it help you?... Of course not....

Medication, good support.. Alot of self love and self esteem is needed by you.

Im glad you have got a therapist... And yes it's really hard just now but its temporary.... It does get better... Take it one step at a time.... That's all you can do... And try to love yourself a bit more.... Take care

 

[bhm]

Thanks for the words, you sound like my "T" haha

Hi @bhm..... OK so it's been been very difficult for you.... I'm so sorry that bad thin...

I understand c/d and know to some degree im incredibly guilty of it, however at the same time there are some angles to it that are somewhat truthful and the the stuff that isn't I don't know how long it would take to get that out or even survive it, im really messed up I don't know what to do anymore

Especially being sober,..

And after being displaced and purely surviving again for a prolonged period of time am at the ropes end and beyond hanging on, I relapsed this morning, survival, it's a muthafuka.

 

[shatter eyes]

Relapse happens.
Like a dance. Two steps forward one step back...sometimes we slip and fall.

We only fail when we stop trying.

 

[Juice]

I can relate i feel that way everday only the guilt keep me going