The Black Hole of Christmas

[In the weeds]

Welcome, @Grasping Hope

I believe you'll find hope here with these wonderful people. I know I have found it comforting to know I'm not the only one with a terrible past, and dealing with the fall-out from it now as an adult

 

[Grasping Hope]

It's a trigger for me at any time of the year. But increased during anniversary times. I did link it to Christmas too, but I've managed to reclaim Christmas for myself now so I now enjoy it.

This is the same for me. I think it's different knowing that people care and that you matter to the people you have chosen to be in your life now, and they have chosen to be in yours. To the feelings from the past. Logically I know I matter and always did. But like you say, it just doesn't touch the sides.

I'm glad you have these moments, even if rare. That sounds a beautiful connection.

It is exhausting. It's constant fighting for survival. It's so much effort.


I relate. It pulls the rug out from under your feet. And the disappointment that "here we go again". We have been fighting to be heard and being met with more of the same is just so deflating.

Some people don't have the same need to be heard. At least it's not an all-consuming need. Maybe it's about whether PTSD comes from childhood or later in life? Or whether part of the trauma involved gaslighting. I was told soooo many times that no one would ever believe me. When people today prove them right, it's devastating.

 

[Grasping Hope]

hello hope. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

in my own case, as a child sex trafficking survivor, december is a long string of trauma anniversaries. so much so that i declared december to be, "therapy month." i was far from alone in the need. my companions in declaring december therapy month ranged in stories from grieving the loss of cherished celebrations to stories like mine.

it can be a rough ride, but it goes easier with support. i hope you find some of that support here.

welcome aboard. healing hopes.

How did you make December therapy month when all the therapists are on vacation in December?

 

[arfie]

How did you make December therapy month when all the therapists are on vacation in December?

support groups. this was before the internet, so the support groups were all in real time.

 

[Grasping Hope]

support groups. this was before the internet, so the support groups were all in real time.

Cool. I'm glad that worked for you. I haven't done very well in support groups. Sigh. I've tried. I'm just so different, it has never been possible to fit into anywhere.

 

[arfie]

I'm just so different, it has never been possible to fit into anywhere.

i still mostly feel this way, but i always feel better after i nudge myself past it.

 

[whiteraven]

I wanted to say hi and welcome!

I can't stop crying. I want very, very much to die; this is year round, not only now, but it gets especially bad at Christmas. While I don't plan on acting on that wish, it's still very, very intense.

I'm so sorry. I know what this feels like--this year, mine started when the time changed. The crying at everything finally stopped a day or so ago, but the rest of the feelings are still there. Like some others here, I also have anniversaries (mostly deaths) around this time of year, which makes it worse.

Christmas used to be important to me. Back when I had an extended family, I was the main one making it all happen.

I used to love Christmas, mostly because it was the only day out of the year when everyone in my family tried to get along. Then about 15 years ago, it just became unbearable. It's super hard when there's not a lot of family or friends to celebrate with. Wondering if you do better when you can be in charge of getting things done? I know I do, and when I am not, I have a hard time.

I have a few friends I can talk to a little, but no one really gets it, and they all have their own lives. I don't want to overwhelm them and drive them away, either.

Yeah, I get that.

It's so hard being alone when there is so much focus on happy families.

Yes! I drive by homes--and it's harder in the dark, I think--and think about the people inside doing things together and being *family*.

How did you make December therapy month when all the therapists are on vacation in December?

Have you tried online therapy? I'm taking a break from therapy right now, but he is also off for a couple to three weeks over the holidays. I think online therapy can be a workable plan, even if just to get you through until an in-person therapist is available.

I haven't done very well in support groups. Sigh. I've tried. I'm just so different, it has never been possible to fit into anywhere.

Same. I'm really sorry you are struggling!

 

[Grasping Hope]

i still mostly feel this way, but i always feel better after i nudge myself past it.

Maybe the difference is between feeling different from everybody else, and actually being different from everybody else. I don't know which your case is. In my case I actually am. If I were to start listing the reasons, you'd agree pretty quickly. :-) I've been through it too many times, starting out in a welcoming, inclusive group, starting to open up about my reality, and seeing people's eyes glaze over as they make excuses to be elsewhere.

 

[whiteraven]

Maybe the difference is between feeling different from everybody else, and actually being different from everybody else. I don't know which your case is. In my case I actually am. If I were to start listing the reasons, you'd agree pretty quickly. :-)

Hm...I think nearly everyone here has said this at one time or another. I know I am different, but the longer I stay here, the more I realize we're more alike than not. We may be different from folks in our personal circle (which makes it hard to relate to anyone), but there are many others like us in many ways. I don't share most of the ways I'm different because I fear judgment, but lots of people here have. I hope you find others you can relate to here.

 

[Grasping Hope]

I wanted to say hi and welcome!


I'm so sorry. I know what this feels like--this year, mine started when the time changed. The crying at everything finally stopped a day or so ago, but the rest of the feelings are still there. Like some others here, I also have anniversaries (mostly deaths) around this time of year, which makes it worse.

I used to love Christmas, mostly because it was the only day out of the year when everyone in my family tried to get along. Then about 15 years ago, it just became unbearable. It's super hard when there's not a lot of family or friends to celebrate with. Wondering if you do better when you can be in charge of getting things done? I know I do, and when I am not, I have a hard time.

Yeah, I get that.

Yes! I drive by homes--and it's harder in the dark, I think--and think about the people inside doing things together and being *family*.

Have you tried online therapy? I'm taking a break from therapy right now, but he is also off for a couple to three weeks over the holidays. I think online therapy can be a workable plan, even if just to get you through until an in-person therapist is available.

Same. I'm really sorry you are struggling!

Could someone describe to me how to use the quote function so I'm not replying to a whole post please?

Thank you for the welcome. I relate to some of what you say. I wish I could scoop up everyone feeling this way, rent a venue and have a potluck and a gift exchange... with a quiet corner for when it gets to be too much.

Have you managed to find friends to replace family with? Some people do. I mostly haven't. It's a combination of the luck of the draw with my attachment issues.

I don't necessarily need to be in charge of getting things done. Sometimes I like to feel nurtured and let others take care of things. It's more that I feel like I gave and gave and gave, and then the people I gave so much to just didn't care. My family is complex (well, I guess that's true for anyone). While I haven't asked many people, I feel like probably when there is significant childhood trauma affecting the whole family, as in our case, and only one person remembers and faces it while the rest are in denial, it's hard for the family to stick together. That's a large part of what broke my family apart.

I can totally relate to looking in windows where people are doing family things, feeling alone. Like the Little Match Girl.

I was working online for a little while until that didn't work out. But my set of issues really is extremely complex. I'd have to spend about the first year getting the therapist up to speed so they could actually help me. Also, because of all my attachment issues, both organic and programmed, all hell breaks loose when I open up enough with anyone to do the really important work. I've come to feel that to really make any progress, I'd need to both have incredibly skilled therapists and be in a residential setting where I could have 24/7 support.

Well, we've made it to Christmas Eve...

 

[whiteraven]

Have you managed to find friends to replace family with?

No. And I have NO friends. All but one has died, and that one is not talking to me anymore.

I'd have to spend about the first year getting the therapist up to speed so they could actually help me.

Oh, I get this! I don't switch therapists for this very reason.

've come to feel that to really make any progress, I'd need to both have incredibly skilled therapists and be in a residential setting where I could have 24/7 support.

Could someone describe to me how to use the quote function so I'm not replying to a whole post please?

I sometimes feel the same way, but that's NOT going to happen, so I just do what I can to manage day-to-day.

I forgot the quoting thing. Highlight what you want to quote, click on "quote" when it pops up, put your cursor in the new post and choose "insert quotes" which is at the bottom of the post.

If you want to quote several lines, you can do it all at once by highlighting, and choosing "quote" and just keep doing that until you have them all. You can also add quotes one at a time.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

The thing about Christmas for many of us is that it reminds us of the family we never had.