The Black Hole of Christmas

[Sideways]

Mod Note:

Could someone describe to me how to use the quote function so I'm not replying to a whole post please?

There’s a help page on using the quote function here. There’s also a forum where you can create threads and posts to test out the function here.

When you have questions like this about the forum, please hit us up at Contact, where we can talk you through any issues without highjacking the thread

 

[Grasping Hope]

Welcome, @Grasping Hope

I believe you'll find hope here with these wonderful people. I know I have found it comforting to know I'm not the only one with a terrible past, and dealing with the fall-out from it now as an adult

You're right, you certainly aren't. Unfortunately. That's one thing about me. I just don't accept what many call the human condition. It's not supposed to be this way. Sometimes I can feel all humanity's pain as my own. It's very heavy.

 

[Grasping Hope]

The thing about Christmas for many of us is that it reminds us of the family we never had.

Yes. That too. It's only just this year I took a step back and thought about the possibility that all the Christmas movies and Hallmark cards and such are deliberate programming, to make those whose lives don't measure up to the ideal feel inadequate.

 

[Grasping Hope]

Hm...I think nearly everyone here has said this at one time or another. I know I am different, but the longer I stay here, the more I realize we're more alike than not. We may be different from folks in our personal circle (which makes it hard to relate to anyone), but there are many others like us in many ways. I don't share most of the ways I'm different because I fear judgment, but lots of people here have. I hope you find others you can relate to here.

Maybe. I've been reading a while before signing up, and just as every group has an unspoken culture, so does this one. There are definitely parts of who I am that would be judged. Of course that's also true in person. I've become something close to a hermit over the past few years.

 

[Grasping Hope]

Plot twist: I got a phone call from a friend I was starting to think had given up on me, to say if I haven't made any other plans, would I like to come to Christmas dinner tomorrow. Oddly instead of feeling relieved, it feels even more like I'm sinking into a black pit. I could hardly hold it together to get through the call. The depression is like a physical entity dragging me down. Not sure I would really enjoy it, she has an alcoholic husband who will be drinking even more than usual, and they smoke in the house, which is hard on me even in summer with the doors open. But she invited me. And suddenly I'm so exhausted and dissociated I can't think straight. There's more going on here than I realized, and I'm not sure I understand it.

 

[arfie]

I don't know which your case is. In my case I actually am. If I were to start listing the reasons, you'd agree pretty quickly.

recovering child prostitute here. the places where i feel normal are not desirable places to be. still, over the years of living my freakazoid life, i have come to believe that each of us is unique. my pain is not greater. it is not less. it is simply different from all the rest.

Could someone describe to me how to use the quote function so I'm not replying to a whole post please?

when you highlight the portion you wish to quote, a quote option will appear at the end of the highlighted portion.

 

[Movingforward10]

Plot twist: I got a phone call from a friend I was starting to think had given up on me, to say if I haven't made any other plans, would I like to come to Christmas dinner tomorrow. Oddly instead of feeling relieved, it feels even more like I'm sinking into a black pit. I could hardly hold it together to get through the call. The depression is like a physical entity dragging me down. Not sure I would really enjoy it, she has an alcoholic husband who will be drinking even more than usual, and they smoke in the house, which is hard on me even in summer with the doors open. But she invited me. And suddenly I'm so exhausted and dissociated I can't think straight. There's more going on here than I realized, and I'm not sure I understand it.

That's kind of her to invite you. It also perfectly ok to say no. You were thought about and invited. If that is too soon, too much, overwhelming, too difficult: all ok to just say you have plans or are sorted.

What did you decide to do?

 

[whiteraven]

just as every group has an unspoken culture, so does this one. There are definitely parts of who I am that would be judged.

Oh, absolutely. That's why I don't share everything here. I'm pretty sure wherever there are people, there will be judgment.

 

[Grasping Hope]

recovering child prostitute here. the places where i feel normal are not desirable places to be. still, over the years of living my freakazoid life, i have come to believe that each of us is unique. my pain is not greater. it is not less. it is simply different from all the rest.

I succeeded in using the quote function. :-)

I don't judge you for where you feel normal, whether you choose to talk about it or not. Some time ago I had a realization: while I may not have personally experienced everything there is for a person to experience, I've experienced enough that I doubt there is any area of human experience that I can't get my mind around, if someone tells me about it. So far I have not been proven wrong on that point.

It is my view that such an ability also has to do with the age and experience of the soul. Mine is ancient. It's been through everything, in many many lifetimes. That's one reason I am so exhausted and ready to be done.

There, I guess I said one thing that makes me slightly out of the ordinary on a PTSD forum, the willingness to say that.

 

[Grasping Hope]

Oh, absolutely. That's why I don't share everything here. I'm pretty sure wherever there are people, there will be judgment.

Yes. That's one thing that exasperates me about people. I wish we could be more tolerant of differences. So, I participate in other groups having to do with other parts of who I am, and it turns out I am too traumatized, and people judge that. And in groups on trauma, I am way out there bizzarre in other ways. So I guess I compartmentalize, which is paradoxical because as an SRA survivor of course I am a programmed multiple, and compartmentalizing is what I need to learn NOT to do. So I isolate and feel frustrated a lot, and have stopped trying to find a therapist who can "get" me.

 

[Grasping Hope]

That's kind of her to invite you. It also perfectly ok to say no. You were thought about and invited. If that is too soon, too much, overwhelming, too difficult: all ok to just say you have plans or are sorted.

What did you decide to do?

I haven't decided yet. She's coming over later today and I'll see if I feel up to going home with her. It's so hard finding balance with this condition that turns on a dime between severe depression and severe anxiety, with no one in my life who really gets it (though there are a few who try). And that's not about Christmas, that's all the time, so I guess it should be another thread.

 

[Grasping Hope]

My friend came over for a visit, we had tea and exchanged a few gifts, and I decided not to go to her place. I can barely sustain a conversation. It feels like I'm trying to communicate from under water. My throat closes down and it's hard to get words out. My attention phases in and out as if someone were turning the dial on a radio constantly, so I'm only hearing half of what is being said. It's been like this for a while. There are some things bothering me so much, and no one is hearing me, which triggers another layer of trauma. But that is another thread because it's not about Christmas.
I hope everyone is making it through the day okay.