A MESSAGE FROM HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II:
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates
for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
We will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
territories (except Kansas ,which we do not fancy).
You will be renamed:
The British States of America .
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown,(or his successor)will appoint a
Governor for America obviating the need for any further ludicrously
expensive elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you have noticed
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
(You should first look up 'revocation' and obviate - see above - in the
Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide.You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all this time.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour',
'labour'and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
replacedby the suffix '-ise'. The suffix '-er' will be promptly reversed
to its original form '-re', as in the word 'theatre'. Generally, you will
be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up
'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English and you will desist
from using it immediately.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. Instead you may
celebrate Trafalgar Day on the 21st Oct as we believe that you too are not
terribly keen on the French.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers,or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not ready to
shoot grouse.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour. (Please note the spelling)
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $12/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat,and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred
to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for
pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the
beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for
them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss, so
that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast British actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater. Even Philip complained and he is Greek.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one proper
kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try rugby - the
South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
The British States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will
henceforth learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans
first to demonstrate just why you require protection in the form of a
cricket box. (See under 'cricket clothing and equipment' on Wikipedia
Harry tells us)
13. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from My Government will
be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
of course to 1776).
14. Daily Tea Time will begin promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers (never mugs), with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream), when in season.
15. All toasts will henceforth finish with the words God Save the Queen!
