Childhood The dad's birthday is almost here- triggered

[Muttly]

I don't even know exactly what to call him. The dad? the bio-dad? The father? That man. The abuser... It was all so messed up. Because... he wasn't all bad. In so many ways he was the best one in the family to me. I write that but I feel dirty. Because there is a word I hate. A word I struggle to speak or write. "groom'. Undoubtedly he did that. Ugh.

I have good memories. Throwing a football with him, skiing, camping, flying kites. He was the one who taught me how to be a functioning adult. He was the one who saw me more as I am. I think some of that was real. I know it helped make me who I am. I am not like the mother or brother. they are trapped in the family cycle - abuse, addictions, mental illness, disability. I made it out. In so many ways I'm ok. In so many ways I'm like the father.

But... but ... he was an abuser. he hit and screamed and treated women like sex objects and made me what I am. There is that part of me that is still there. That is still his sex toy even though I haven't seen him for years. That still plays out that role. I hate it. I have spent so much time trying to destroy it and I have scars all over my body. That part is strong and active right now. It's his birthday. We see him in the store and then realize it's some other man and that the father would be much older now.

Some parts expect him to show up. To demand. It's going to be his birthday. we are supposed to make him happy. We are supposed to be the good one. We expect his anger and coercion. We expect the whole family drama, because they all wanted us to be his. Better me than them. The mother knew and was glad he wasn't all over her. The brother... well... I don't think he knew? But he was still happy to let us be the caretaker. To be the one to meet the parents needs.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I don't even know exactly what to call him. The dad? the bio-dad? The father? That man. The abuser...

I hear you there. I've call/ed mine several names. Though bastard is/was my all time favorite.

Sorry you're going through this trigger. I'm triggered by birthdays as well. It's tough. Take care. Gentle hugs if you accept them. :hug:

 

[PointlessExistence]

I'm the worst one to give advice. I can't keep my head on straight for five minutes. But my rational mind knows that we don't owe them anything. They're supposed to teach us. They're supposed to make us functioning, functional adults.

It's like when someone gives a gift. A true gift is never done with the thought of getting something in return. Find comfort in the things he did right, and remember that you deserve that comfort. You don't need to pay him back in any way. It's yours free and clear.

 

[Tinyflame]

You are your own person @Muttly . Great as you are, because of somewhat, but also despite, the influence or actions of others.

Hugs to you, xox. :hug:

 

[Muttly]

thank you all

think we might take to calling him bastard. like that.

yesterday was his birthday. was a rough night. we been sick the last week which in a weird way has been sort of good. not as much energy to freak out. dunno though... today might now be so great either.