The Day I Realized Ptsd Was A Life Long Condition?

[Digz]

Oops, just read that you said you were taking time out. Darn it! :P

 

[rainy_daze]

I haven't read the responses yet, but I'll answer first.

My first reaction was denial. Followed by further denial, a lot of "well what is the point of therapy or trying to heal if PTSD won't go away?", and anger that there were people on the forum saying it could go into remission but come back.

Then I challenged my therapist a lot about it, and worked through the above. I think I got to the stage where I was honest about the abuse that started when I was a child and began to acknowledge just how much that had f*cked me up, adding in the second trauma, and my brain couldn't take much more, and I was diagnosed about a year after that trauma. However, no one warned me it would be a lifelong struggle, so when I was spiralling I kept thinking the PTSD should be better, it's been years.

I have accepted that my brain is wired a bit differently from those who have not endured trauma or developed PTSD, and that it is now about managing it as an illness. [And not about desperately seeking a cure]

At first thinking it was lifelong was horrendous, but now, with time and more clarity, it is just one thing I live with. Good days and days from hell.

Good discussion topic :tup:

 

[rainy_daze]

the ability to tolerate physical pain

Do you dissociate much, MT? I have been able to ignore physical pain because of dissociation and a general attitude of being too busy to acknowledge chronic pain. The more in touch with my body I am, the more I feel the pain. Just a thought when you asked that but dissociation might not apply to you. Maybe you just have a naturally high tolerance for pain.

 

[rainy_daze]

After reading all the responses, I think it's important to note that just because it is a condition that can be managed/go into remission/flare up, does not mean your life is over. It's also interesting that people had similar reactions to me at the realisation [like denial, who was my closest frenemy for a long time :laugh:].

 

[Digz]

@rainy_daze . Your description of keeping on spiralling and thinking the PTSD should be better, is spot on exactly how I felt too, when I didn't realise it was a lifelong thing. It tended to make me angry and blame myself at times - "why can't I get over this?" kind of talk.
I also agree that PTSD doesn't mean your life is over.
There are many days when the sun shines and you feel good still. :D

 

[Go Hungry]

Umm. Relieved. Massive relief, actually. I had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and DID many years prior to being diagnosed with PTSD. So it didn't come as a big shock.

But honestly, just going down the list of symptoms basically tells my life story. It was so spooky to find out how typical I was. So it came as a great relief, and a confirmation of things that I had been considering for a long time. In fact, I had pretty much worked out exactly how my abuse caused mental disturbance looooong before diagnosis. I too, thought it was just something that happened to vets. Then to find out that there is this blessed name for what I'd been going through? Priceless.

As for the lifetime nature of it? Yeah, that sucks. Sometimes it really gets to me, because who would want a lifetime of something like this? Nobody. But lately I've had a lot of success at meeting the challenges that come with it. Just because it lasts for life doesn't mean that life can't be a good one in other respects.

But considering that I was already about 30 years into it before the diagnosis.. It was nice to finally know.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

When I first started therapy, I was under the delusion that in three months I would be fixed and on my merry way. When I realized the truth I felt as though someone picked me up by my ankles and shook every part of me was gone.

This was in nineteen eighty five. Now I am more into managing symptoms and practicing healthier coping skills. Before I had no anxiety only dread. I was faking my emotions before and now I feel them and deal with them.

 

[anthony]

I was under the delusion that in three months I would be fixed and on my merry way

LOL... yer, I had set myself some timeline like that... months, a year... I was going to defy the odds.

 

[MT Johnny]

Do you dissociate much, MT? I have been able to ignore physical pain because of dissociation and a general attitude of being too busy to acknowledge chronic pain. .

Well, I guess I do, that is what my T said - I told him how I feel at times - never to the point I don't know who/where/when I am, but at times things look and seem very weird, very off - like a dream state, and in particular the light seems really weird - the landscape seems to be lit by artificial, very strange light that blurs out some things and sharpens others like polarized glasses. I always thought it was physical, low blood sugar or something, T said it's in the dissociation spectrum.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I had set myself some timeline like that... months, a year... I was going to defy the odds.

I may not defy the PTSD odds, but I WILL defy the disability odds....A high percentage (upwards of 90?!?) Never get off SSDI. I will not be one of them! I will defy those odds!

 

[MT Johnny]

I have used the word "fixed" a lot, as in "I want this entire mess fixed." I never thought it was possible to get away from the beast 100%, because we cannot control the emotions from the reptilian or mid-brains much at all - the basic stuff, fear, anger - those will always be there and we will always react to triggers to some extent. My idea of "fixed" would be to be able to have a controlled reaction and rational response to triggers. Not there at all yet - major major trigger in January and I'm falling apart again.

 

[Go Hungry]

My idea of "fixed" would be to be able to have a controlled reaction and rational response to triggers. Not there at all yet - major major trigger in January and I'm falling apart again.

Hang in there, man. It's a lot of work, but you can get there if you 'do' it. Like, take action... It could take forever, but... what do we have other than time, right? :)