My therapist recently pointed out that my maternal grandmother played the double bind game, and I'm still struggling to see how exactly it worked/she did that. The only one I can kind of see is the one where I "won". When we started planning my wedding she said she would take care of the flowers. So every week I would call her and ask when she wanted to go to the florist but she was always too busy. Eventually she said she didn't know why I kept asking her this because she never said she would pick out and pay for the flowers, she would only arrange them on the wedding day. I can't say I was too surprised. My mom and I were able to find a florist that could help us but the options were a bit limited at this point. A week before the wedding my grandma called my mom, found out the florist we were using, went to the place, and called my mom and told her she didn't like the flowers we had picked out. She wanted to pick out new ones. My mom came to me to ask about it and tried to convince me to let her change the flowers. I said no, the flowers were done. Then my grandma said that if I didn't let her change the flowers she wouldn't come to my wedding and wouldn't arrange the flowers. I actually didn't really care about the flowers but at this point I was angry enough to not play the game. I was able to see that if she didn't come to the wedding it was HER CHOICE, even thought it still feels like I forced her to make that choice.
But is this a double bind? I'm not sure the secondary injunction directly conflicts with the first injunction. My guess at laying this out is as follows:
1. 2 or more people - Me and grandma, kind of my mom who is very well trained to do what grandma wants
2. It is repeated over and over again (not a one time thing) - pattern is give grandma what she wants no matter what
3. primary injunction - telling you to do something or severe consequences (may be implied) - Change the flowers or grandma won't come to wedding
4. secondary injunction that directly conflicts with the first injunction - If grandma doesn't come to wedding then there's no one to arrange the flowers, also grandma holds this over my head the rest of my life because I made her not come
5. perpetrator must have a relationship (power dynamic) over the victim - rich grandma who we were taught to please
Guess who showed up to arrange the flowers on my wedding day? I honestly can't remember if she stuck around for the actual wedding, but this issue was never discussed again.
But is this a double bind? I'm not sure the secondary injunction directly conflicts with the first injunction. My guess at laying this out is as follows:
1. 2 or more people - Me and grandma, kind of my mom who is very well trained to do what grandma wants
2. It is repeated over and over again (not a one time thing) - pattern is give grandma what she wants no matter what
3. primary injunction - telling you to do something or severe consequences (may be implied) - Change the flowers or grandma won't come to wedding
4. secondary injunction that directly conflicts with the first injunction - If grandma doesn't come to wedding then there's no one to arrange the flowers, also grandma holds this over my head the rest of my life because I made her not come
5. perpetrator must have a relationship (power dynamic) over the victim - rich grandma who we were taught to please
Guess who showed up to arrange the flowers on my wedding day? I honestly can't remember if she stuck around for the actual wedding, but this issue was never discussed again.
