General The Encouragement Reminder For Supporters

[Never Give Up]

I wanted to dedicate a thread for supporters that are experiencing difficult times. I know times can be tough and lives can be turned upside down. But how to handle them can make your life better.

Please share your experiences here and provide your story's, scenarios, what helps, what works, what to avoid.

Please know that you are not alone. Many of us may be in your shoes or will be there soon. KNOW HOPE! ;)

 

[Al_Lurker]

Don't 'soft peddle' the problem. If you have any knowledge that the one you care about has suffered abuse or trauma DO NOT allow it to be ignored. Find a way to get professional help. Period end of story. Don't diagnose, don't push but gently persuade if you can. No matter what has happened it will fester if left untreated and you will have no clue as to what the 'rules' are. A professional will not only know what the rules are but should be able to name the game. You cannot. Once you know what's really happening - educate yourself, and then educate yourself some more.

 

[Never Give Up]

What about be person who doesn't think there is a problem. But then yet there is the dissociation, restless sleep, nightmares, anger, triggered conversations. I dont mind getting help for myself but I think it would help if the sufferer was there to explain which would help overcome those obstacles which end up being a trigger and pulling away further. I am stuck. I have a divorce being waved over my head....and it is on her terms and control I have been told. Who is really in control? not me?, not her?

 

[Al_Lurker]

In your case @Never Give Up it sounds as if she is in control and it is possible that it is too late for you to persuade her different. If she insists that she doesn't have a problem and refuses to seek treatment I don't think you can force the issue unless you have some legal grounds to have her involuntarily examined (Florida calls it the Baker Act). You will have to prove she is a danger to herself or others or convince a law enforcement official that she has a mental illness as defined in the legislation. Obviously this course of action can cause more problems than it solves so I wouldn't suggest it. As with any relationship both parties must be dedicated to the continuance of that relationship to make it happen. How you convince her to continue I'm not the one to try and explain as I failed miserably.

 

[Never Give Up]

Control seems to be out of control rigth now. Thank You @Al_Lurker for sharing your insight.

 

[Gingerly]

@Never Give Up, I think my ex BF Sufferer silently demanded respect, which I more than willingly gave him. I also think I silently and willingly gave him control of the relationship. I don't know why I did this since I am, and always have been, a very independent woman. I must have felt he needed that too. I am sorry your wife is seeking a divorce. Perhaps you would benefit from seeing a counselor?
@Al_Lurker, Not too many people have heard of the Baker Act. I am familiar with it simply because of where I live.

 

[Never Give Up]

I also think I silently and willingly gave him control of the relationship

This past Saturday I was asked to go for a ride with my wife and discuss our future together. She wanted to go through with the divorce. I was able to share with her how much I still loved her, I explained how I felt about our situation and our marriage is worth saving....many reasons not to get a divorce. Something changed...that evening she just changed. She moved back into the bedroom, she was nice to me, she shared with me so many situations that she was wrong about. I had to give up total control of myself and the control of her. I think that was the deciding factor. This week has been the best week so far in our marriage in many years. I was told on another thread she may be grieving and not showing symptoms of ptsd.

 

[Gingerly]

This week has been the best week so far in our marriage in many years.

So happy to hear this. I hope its everlasting.

 

[Al_Lurker]

What @Gingerly said.

 

[Aching65]

It is tough, it is so tough to lose a woman you so dearly love but who keeps telling you she feels unsafe with you....

 

[blackswan]

Ouch :( my heart breaks for you.

All we can ever do is our best with the knowledge we have at the time. I've read some of your other posts elsewhere and it sounds like this relationship has been an intense learning journey where you have strived to do your best, and that's something you can take comfort in.

Look after yourself :) and go get some looking after. Wishing you all the best through this difficult time.

 

[Aching65]

Thank you @Bronswan your support means a lot to me as I feel so lost in the storm I am riding out totally alone. It feels so unfair to me. I think the woman I love does not realize she has a 30 years head start in dealing with the feelings she has. I have been thrown in out of the blue, on a cold January morning.... Since then it has been a crash course of self learning of a problem which to me seems totally illogical and misunderstood by most. It is so important to make the sufferers feel safe, there are so many aspects to take into account, and they are not really described in the books I read. They focused on the definition of the issues, the importance to get support for both parties, including confidant for the supporter, which was denied for me probably because it is early days in my girls treatment and diagnosis.

To me logic when someone is hurting is to do everything to be close, talk to people she knows to see if she talked to them about what I was doing wrong, and it snowballed from there. She now is telling me that I have proven on and on again that I was not trustworthy and that I was not safe to her...... To me this is not a valid comment as I have shown pure commitment to the relationship. And I truly believe that the bond between us would be much stronger once she gets over this trust issues. I am indeed more trustworthy than ever before now that I am educating myself.... Probably her therapist telling her that I am not showing her love by my actions and I am hurting her healing process has something to do with it.....