The Flirt Response

[Sideways]

This is a rant as much as anything. Normal people have the fight or flight response. I have the fight, flight or flirt response. I can distinguish a come-on from a benign, friendly 'howdy' at 50 paces.

And I switch.

The pretty boy with textbook tatts that moved into the building a few weeks ago? Probably has an ego that is directly proportionate to the amount of hair product he uses? Flirted with me this morning. It wasn't a "hello neighbour", it was a "heeeey ;) ". And then it's gone.

What did I say? How did that conversation pan out? Alls I know is that I had that kinked smile on my face when he was walking off. I know that smile. I know that alter. She's the b!tch that comes out whenever my Flirt Radar is activated.

Was it 20 seconds or 20 minutes? How long did I spend encouraging him to keep chatting me up? To say more than just "hello" next time we passed each other? Is he going to show up at my door later tonight? Did I invite him round? Because I've done that before.

I don't want this jock in my life. I don't want him to say hello when he passes me. I don't want to think that we're on that level where we do hypersexual friendly banter outside the letterboxes. And I very definitely don't want him to come over. Not even to ask for milk.

How the f*** do you stay grounded enough to stop that kind od self-sabotaging shite from happening? This f***ing alter is what keeps me locked away in my goddamn apartment because this is exactly EXACTLY what happens. I don't want this. Why does part of my brain keep insisting on doing this? Switch it off already. Shut her down. Lock her out. She's ruining my life.

The Flirt alter. I know I'm not the only one with one of these b!tches in the mix. How do you shut them down? How do you get grounded when the switch is as instantaneous as a stranger stopping to say hello?

 

[Zanshin]

You're aware it's happening, that's the first step to trying to stop it.

Pause a second before replying. Start every mental response with "Nope, not you, I've got this" to keep her in check. I'm guessing it's a core belief issue - women are there to flirt, hence, "Hello" = "Heeeeeeey baby." Practice saying normal, acceptable responses aloud until they become more normal. Because The Flirt sabotaging to drive you back into hiding is a dirty trick.

(Unless you may, actually, accidentally, be truly interested in someone in a way that's not self-sabotaging. Then let her out and take notes. :) )

 

[Kintsugi]

I suggest you look up the "fawn" response. There are actually four Fs: fight/flight/freeze/fawn. The latter two are my most employed responses, especially fawn.

 

[Killashandra]

Omg I have that same sort of problem. I have a sabotaging bitch alter. For me she is the one who has all the repressed memories and she uses men, a rebound action from my childhood abuse. To make her feel good and powerful. Getting thier junk hot and wanting is enough of a kick for her. Sometimes. Sometimes she's down right nasty.
I can't go to a pub without finding someone to flirt with. Me, myself think I'm just being friendly but others who have witnessed this say it is like a hunter who found prey. I don't even try. And it's not just younger men it's older men too. And I'm married. Needless to say I don't go out anymore husband has put a stop to that unless certain guidelines are met.
Eg. I am with trusted women. Married women no single ladies. They must be in a happy marriage. I am not allowed to drink so I am designated driver and I am not allowed to leave the group unless it's a quick loo trip and no one else needs the toilet.

How I stay grounded is the rubber band technique. Since you are aware of what is going on the that bitch alter rears her head flick the band a number of times until you feel a tingle on the left side of your head. This puts me back to the here and now without the self harming scars. And if there is no rubber band, I keep a pencil and paper handy for me to write in cursive the alphabet. Do that a few times and that also switches your brain function from primarily right the emotional to the left logical side.

I hope that helps and also to know your not alone in this particular self sabotage.
All the best :hug:
K

 

[Sideways]

Yes, the generously labelled "fawn" response or, as is more accurate in my case, the "you're welcome to f*** me" response, which is nicely tied up to the kingpin of my core beliefs: my sole purpose is to make myself sexually available to men.

When I get anxious, and I do my Flight thing, I can intervene with breathing and self-talk. And often these days when I switch, I can sometimes feel the switch coming on, enter tactical assault with my grounding techniques.

But this switch is instantaneous. Flirt? Bam! Most times I only realise that there was a Flirt Alarm went off after the fact when I realise I've been dissociated and there's some guy wandering off looking jolly (or at its worst, waking up next to a guy who's just been very jolly).

It's the instantaneous part of it that scares me. Actually, what I'm capable of doing when I'm switched into that alter is really friggin frightening as well. It's like the kind of reflex switch as if I'd just put my hand on a hot stove - you only register what's happened once you're jerking your hand away.

And I apologise for the whole negative "this is unfixable" attitude. But it was only 2 or 3 weeks back that I literally had a guy show up one night at my door all ready to get on the good foot and do the bad thing and I barely recognised him and had no memory at all of inviting him round, let alone giving him the impression (whenever it was) that I was "up for it".

It makes me not want to leave my apartment. It makes me want to set my alarm for 3am so I can go down and check my letterbox in safety. I hate this.

 

[Zanshin]

Have you been able to make progress on other core beliefs and changing them? What techniques did you use there, and can they translate to this?

 

[rascal]

I suggest you look up the "fawn" response. There are actually four Fs: fight/flight/freeze/fawn. The latter two are my most employed responses, especially fawn.

Whoa. You just unlocked some doors for me with this post. Thanks!

I'm a guy but I totally fit the fawn profile (PTSD does not discriminate):

"Servitude, ingratiation, and forfeiture of any needs that might inconvenience and ire the parent become the most important survival strategies available. Boundaries of every kind are surrendered to mollify the parent, as the parent repudiates the Winnecottian duty of being of use to the child; the child is parentified and instead becomes as multidimensionally useful to the parent as she can: housekeeper, confidante, lover, sounding board, surrogate parent of other siblings, etc."

I never thought of myself this way, but it's completely on the nose. I've become so accustomed to acting in this way with everyone that I hardly recognize it as abnormal.

 

[Sideways]

@Zanshin - the core beliefs are a long, slow work in progress. Currently I've covered things like "I was born innocent", and we've worked up to "I was the same as everybody else". The sh!t was brainwashed into me with some vigour (taught I was a "Whore of God" etc etc).

We'll get there with the core beliefs, but it's not going to happen any time soon. I'd really like to know, in the meantime, that I can stop this switch from happening because, not surprisingly, it lands me in some really nasty situations from time to time. But even trying to work cooperatively with the b!tch alter that's responsible - she's my mortal enemy, and the feeling's pretty mutual. We aren't likely to be playing on the same team any time soon.

Quit with the helplessness Ragdoll - it's unproductive:banghead:

 

[Zanshin]

You're not helpless, and you're not presenting as such. You're presenting with "Hey, this is a really difficult problem. Can anyone help join my team to kick The Flirt out of here?" Definitely not helpless. Every post asking for help is a chip in the wall to break free of the PTSD.

You're stronger than The Flirt. Use that as a mantra, perhaps, to knock her down a bit. You're right that it won't change immediately, but gradually it may - you'll win over this enemy.

@rascal - I didn't look up the definition, but I recognize it in my actions, too. Quick, pacify everyone, do everything... Thanks for sharing that, and to @Simply Simon for the post bringing it up.

 

[Sideways]

@Killashandra - I'm glad your hubby looks out for you:)

I can't go to bars. Period. In the mind of my alter, the disabled toilet is spacious simply so that you can go all the way with a pickup without even having to leave the bar. The shame is immense. I just can't afford to get myself into those situations.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I can't go to bars. Period. In the mind of my alter, the disabled toilet is spacious simply so that you can go all the way with a pickup without even having to leave the bar. The shame is immense. I just can't afford to get myself into those situations.

No shame. This is the sort of thing that just happens as a result of the past. No shame at all, and, in fact, many congratulations to being able to keep yourself safe. It's hard. I've put myself in many sexual situations over the years where I "come to" halfways through and wonder what the F%$$#@&^ I'm doing. Frightens the men immensely to have me suddenly freak out ... and frightens me even more.

 

[shimmerz]

I have a sabotaging bitch alter. For me she is the one who has all the repressed memories and she uses men, a rebound action from my childhood abuse. To make her feel good and powerful.

I used to have real problems with this. This posting is really helpful. I didn't put it together that she may well have been a part until reading this. Thank you.

I thought it was just because I was a horribly cruel person. It hasn't been part of my repertoire recently, but man oh man, did she make me feel powerful, and a twisted 'being loved' feeling came from her actions. A completely loose canon back in my younger days.