The fourteen day challenge

[intothelight]

I am back to day one today. I am being pretty hard on myself for "wanting". See I have what I need so how dare I "want" more. I feel guilty for even having this desire. The thing is, what I want is more time to do things that are fun. Am I allowed to have fun? I am also feeling stupid and childish for even feeling this way.​

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Yes, I know that I shouldn't beat myself up, but I never allow myself time to do what I want. No one prevents me, but I feel that my life prevents me. Really emotionally confused today. All of this started because I wanted to plant flowers and have a garden this summer, but I am running out of time.​

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Thing is, I really feel that I am running out of time today. I think the reality that I have cancer and that it is fatal hit me. It is hitting me hard.​

 

[The Albatross]

I'm doing okay with the self thought stuff. I'm staying in a pretty much neutral place now. Some general improvement with this exercise. I stopped counting... but if I have a self critizing thought I am more at ease letting it drift on through... knowing that other thoughts will come. It is just one of the many thoughts I will have each day. I'm not as focused on them anymore.

 

[Phoenix Under]

intothelight,
I am so sorry to hear about your illness. I think you should have your flower garden! One thing that is common with abused people is that they do not feel worthy of self enjoyment.
Lets turn the situation around and reread your post and put my name into it like I wrote it. How would you feel about my desires? I hope this helps you to see that there is nothing wrong with wanting to plant flowers.
Love and hugs to you sweet one!

 

[Phoenix Under]

Albatross,
I hope to get where you are. It really makes sense, what you are doing.

 

[KP the nut]

For ITL (((HUG)))

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Day 6. I am being very gentle with myself. I have alot to do today. I will go with the flow.
Hugs for everyone who needs one.:)

 

[Phoenix Under]

Kp Your post is so very sweet. How kind and thoughtful to give intothelight flower gardens.

Gizmo, Wha hoo for day 6! Thanks for the hugs!!!!!!!

 

[Phoenix Under]

For ITL (((HUG)))

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Beautiful!!!!!!

 

[The Albatross]

Albatross,
I hope to get where you are.

Well let me just say it took a fairly sizeable number of restarts... but I stuck with it, and it got better. Neutral is a whole lot better than the conversations that I was having in my head. Practice, patience, persistance, and perserverance. It gets easier, honest.

 

[Phoenix Under]

Thanks Albatross,
Your words are encouraging!

 

[intothelight]

Been spiraling down the past few days with symptoms increasing and becoming harder to control. Part of this cycle is beating myself up and feeling more and more worthless, full of guilt and shame. This helped before and I am going to use it to help stop the spiral again.

Today is day one.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thanks Deb for bringing this one back up. I have the need of it too. So this is day 1 for me too. I want to focus on the positive.