grimalkin
Gold Member
Well, it's been almost 2 years since my dad died and my life went to hell.
To recap: Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Thanksgiving 2016, and died on December 14th (about 3 weeks later). I didn't get home on time to see my dad before he died - he thought he'd have until after Christmas, and my sufferer and I had Christmas plans with his son he hadn't seen in a few months, so my plan was to go home for New Year's. Long story short, I ended up going home for Christmas to help my mom, and my sufferer decided while I was gone that he was done being married. We tried to continue counseling after I got back (right after New Years), but our counselor broke it off when she realized he was dissociating during our sessions, he was completely unwilling to get help, was being mentally and verbally abusive, and witnessed what he considered "abusive" from me (it happened to be sobbing quietly while he ramped up his verbal attack).
Mom moved to Tucson to be near me in the spring of 2017, I moved in with Mom, and we lived together for about a year. I got a promotion at work, started my own talk therapy, and have since found a psychiatrist as well, as my doctor pointed out that after 40 years of depression, maybe it's time to have a specialist work on my meds (not all necessarily in that order). ?
I got my own place this last spring and am enjoying figuring out my own shit. It's been a wild ride, sorting through my own lifetime of pain. I had no idea, myself, what I was carrying with me. But I have my own space, I'm paying my own bills, and I'm starting to slowly find the energy and desire to create art again, which had been missing for far too long. I do not trust anyone just yet - not my mom (long story), and definitely not him.
But what of my sufferer? Well, we aren't divorced yet. We see each other on a regular basis, and have season tickets to our local hockey team, and the games have almost become date nights. A few months ago, he told my mom he wants to get back together with me, but is afraid I'll say no. As she pointed out, it's a very real possibility I will, but he has to talk to me to find out.
He hasn't talked to me yet. He's tiptoed around the subject. During a phone call I made while he was driving, I called him "my husband" (it was just easier than "my soon to be ex was there and thinks he left..."), which he later told me felt good. He's asked "What do you think of us? I don't mean do you consider us married or dating or whatever but...what?" My response was "We are getting along better than we ever have," and then he changed the subject. ?
We will have to talk at some point, but I'm letting him take the lead on it for now. We have not discussed ANYthing of our relationship ending, much less where it might go in the future. He is still not in treatment, though he finally realizes he needs it. Between literally everyone in his life telling him as much over the last 2 years, and I think maybe doing his own research finally, he's realizing he needs it. He even asked for my help in finding a trauma-focused therapist and/or psychiatrist (since I have a therapist and psychiatrist).
I'm enjoying my independence right now, and I know for a fact he'll lose his shit if I suddenly start dating. He's trying to show he cares, I know that. And I know him well enough that he'll try to just wiggle back into my life and pretend nothing bad happened, without having to actually have a conversation. Yeah, that's not happening.
So, life carries on. I'm living my life and healing still, and will be for a long time, I think. I'm enjoying being in my own space that's just mine. I'm setting boundaries with everyone in my life, not just my sufferer. I'm recovering from codependency. I'm learning to say "No." I'm hopeful for the future. And my sufferer is still in my life, and I want him there. He is finally showing he wants me in his as well. And we are the only ones who need to decide what that means.
To recap: Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Thanksgiving 2016, and died on December 14th (about 3 weeks later). I didn't get home on time to see my dad before he died - he thought he'd have until after Christmas, and my sufferer and I had Christmas plans with his son he hadn't seen in a few months, so my plan was to go home for New Year's. Long story short, I ended up going home for Christmas to help my mom, and my sufferer decided while I was gone that he was done being married. We tried to continue counseling after I got back (right after New Years), but our counselor broke it off when she realized he was dissociating during our sessions, he was completely unwilling to get help, was being mentally and verbally abusive, and witnessed what he considered "abusive" from me (it happened to be sobbing quietly while he ramped up his verbal attack).
Mom moved to Tucson to be near me in the spring of 2017, I moved in with Mom, and we lived together for about a year. I got a promotion at work, started my own talk therapy, and have since found a psychiatrist as well, as my doctor pointed out that after 40 years of depression, maybe it's time to have a specialist work on my meds (not all necessarily in that order). ?
I got my own place this last spring and am enjoying figuring out my own shit. It's been a wild ride, sorting through my own lifetime of pain. I had no idea, myself, what I was carrying with me. But I have my own space, I'm paying my own bills, and I'm starting to slowly find the energy and desire to create art again, which had been missing for far too long. I do not trust anyone just yet - not my mom (long story), and definitely not him.
But what of my sufferer? Well, we aren't divorced yet. We see each other on a regular basis, and have season tickets to our local hockey team, and the games have almost become date nights. A few months ago, he told my mom he wants to get back together with me, but is afraid I'll say no. As she pointed out, it's a very real possibility I will, but he has to talk to me to find out.
He hasn't talked to me yet. He's tiptoed around the subject. During a phone call I made while he was driving, I called him "my husband" (it was just easier than "my soon to be ex was there and thinks he left..."), which he later told me felt good. He's asked "What do you think of us? I don't mean do you consider us married or dating or whatever but...what?" My response was "We are getting along better than we ever have," and then he changed the subject. ?
We will have to talk at some point, but I'm letting him take the lead on it for now. We have not discussed ANYthing of our relationship ending, much less where it might go in the future. He is still not in treatment, though he finally realizes he needs it. Between literally everyone in his life telling him as much over the last 2 years, and I think maybe doing his own research finally, he's realizing he needs it. He even asked for my help in finding a trauma-focused therapist and/or psychiatrist (since I have a therapist and psychiatrist).
I'm enjoying my independence right now, and I know for a fact he'll lose his shit if I suddenly start dating. He's trying to show he cares, I know that. And I know him well enough that he'll try to just wiggle back into my life and pretend nothing bad happened, without having to actually have a conversation. Yeah, that's not happening.
So, life carries on. I'm living my life and healing still, and will be for a long time, I think. I'm enjoying being in my own space that's just mine. I'm setting boundaries with everyone in my life, not just my sufferer. I'm recovering from codependency. I'm learning to say "No." I'm hopeful for the future. And my sufferer is still in my life, and I want him there. He is finally showing he wants me in his as well. And we are the only ones who need to decide what that means.
