The Horror Of Expectations

[shimmerz]

Okay, I seem to be working through a problem right now, and have finally put a name to it. It is how I recoil in horror at other's expectations of me. I had no idea I had this in me, but apparently I do. Which is most likely why I have been a people pleaser most of my life.

And now it is coming out because I am no longer in pleaser mode. As a matter of fact, I am standing up for myself. So that part seems to be dead. At least for now.

However, I am recoiling and very symptomatic when others have expectations of me. Implied or implicit. Doesn't matter how large or how small. And I think I feel like this because I have lost all sense of self confidence during my PTSD tenure over the past 10 years.

I wonder if anyone notices that they struggle with other's expectations and possibly why they think this occurs. Or perhaps what they have done to try to rectify it. I am still teasing this one apart, and any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Hope4Now]

Great thread!

I wonder if anyone notices that they struggle with other's expectations and possibly why they think this occurs.

YES. For me, however, the problem is usually that I am projecting my own unreasonable expectations of myself onto other people in various parts of my life. While they may have some level of expectation that is reasonable (e.g., say 'thank you', or get to work on time, etc.), I blow the expectation WAY out of proportion and actually believe they are expecting it of me (e.g., give a big present as payback for something small, get to work early and leave late and be 10 times more productive than anybody else, etc.) In the times I have "reality-checked" I am told that I am nuts and that they certainly don't expect that of me. It is I who expects it of me. That pesky little perfectionist part. So it does come out looking like people-pleasing sometimes.

Probably comes for me from having always believed I am responsible for being pretty much whatever each of my parents expected of me (and these were quite opposite things often and in conflict), and I could never be enough. And because I was adopted, there was always the threat (spoken from father, not stopped or denied by mother) that they would "turn me in for a new model because you're still under warantee...so you'd better give us our money's worth..." Lovely.

I KNOW this was whacked and I should no longer believe or feel that I have to make up for my existence by being something more and/or other than what I am, but it's a belief that's pretty much mapped into my system.

 

[ghotiff]

My mother would not ask for things directly but instead make quite subtle hints, which we would all miss and then get in trouble for. As a result, for a while I would read into everyone's actions.

Now, I've at the opposite end of this and my friends know that if they want something from me they need to ask directly and freely, with either yes or no being an acceptable anwser. This limits my friendship group, but it's far more relaxing.

 

[Chava]

For me it's not really horror, but definitely "dread" sometimes. I don't know if it relates, but for me it's that I don't know if I will be able to follow through and I hate letting people down. I hate saying no. I also hate saying yes and then having to back out because I'm not doing well or just can't do it. Generally I tolerate very few outside expectations. I do my work well and that's because it's important to me. Beyond that I'm avoidant of relationships and have backed away from taking on so many extra commitments. But I went through a period of feeling like I let a lot of people down by not taking on extra work....and started to feel how I was only important for what I could do, produce. So now I get confused between a desire to feel useful and yet not feel used. I don't think it's black and white, but I feel it that way sometimes.

 

[shimmerz]

I don't know if I will be able to follow through and I hate letting people down.

BAM! Thank.you.@Chava.

 

[scout86]

I don't know if I will be able to follow through and I hate letting people down.

That's it!

This is one of the reasons I've moved as much as I have. If I stay someplace too long, people get to thinking they know me and know what to expect. Then I have to (cognitive distortion!) worry about disappointing them, or doing things I don't want to do so I don't disappoint them. And, they never know me as well as they think they do, so I feel constrained by what they think they know. It's easier to just move and start over. Except that, if you stay someplace very long, the same thing happens again.:(

 

[shimmerz]

for a while I would read into everyone's actions.

Distortion. ^^^

the problem is usually that I am projecting my own unreasonable expectations of myself onto other people in various parts of my life. While they may have some level of expectation that is reasonable (e.g., say 'thank you', or get to work on time, etc.), I blow the expectation WAY out of proportion and actually believe they are expecting it of me

Distortion. ^^^

 

[scout86]

Funny, I never actually thought of this as a "symptom" or even a problem. So......."everyone" does think this way?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I heard a long time ago that everyone has a agenda for me. When people approach me they have a hidden agenda. It is being human I guess. But I feel dread at others expectations of me and this is where good strategic planning and having really good boundries comes into play.

For example I have a really hard time being around my sister and she is very toxic. Her only child her daughter just died recently and the expectation came out of her mouth today. She told me she would let me know when the services will be held and where and what time. She did not ask me because she is that way. I am trying to be a source of support to her because I also know how it feels to outlive a child.

So my safety plan to this expectation is I will take a taxi because this will be high anxiety for me and I would not be able to drive myself and I will have the taxi wait for me and go home after the services. Easier said than done but that is my plan and I know that she has a whole list of unwritten expectations of me. I feel the dread of having contact. But I do feel obligated to show some support.

We have not talked to each other for a year and now she is calling me and I am calling her every day. I will inform her of my plans tomorrow. And then I will get off the phone.

I am still to naive and gullible. So having good boundries really helps me so much. I hope all of this makes sense.

 

[Friday]

I wonder if anyone notices that they struggle with other's expectations and possibly why they think this occurs

Mine occurs because I never saw the purpose of a chair as being holy ;) I would sit on the floor, on the table, stand, sit backwards, lay down underneath, balance it on 2 legs, then 1.... List goes on. Chairs? Just the beginning to a day that would drive first my mom, then my teachers, absolutely batshit. ((OMFG, SIT. DOWN. Nooooo! Not there! ... Yeesh. Picky picky.)) I was always breaking other people's expectations.

Conversely, I moved all the damn time. So I had to learn all new expectations each and every single time...fast.

Upside for ME... These were just culture-shock things. Watch your hostess, and you'll be fine. My kiddo, otoh, has to live with his dad, where there is NEVER any consistency. No matter what he does? It's the wrong thing. Even if it's exactly the same as yesterday when he was praised for it. Or 5 minutes ago. So, for me, it was constantly shifting expectations due to geographical moving about -in addition to my own attitude about chairs and other things "everyone" agrees on, Social contracts; bah humbug. :p

For him? Constantly shifting expectations of an abusive prick.