The Horror Story That I Survived

[Arieanna]

Not really everyone I think more so focused on emotions and it wasn't much to see what they were going through. I am going through a lot of things and it felt like my art was really strong both emotional, and symbolically. I think it's because so much abuse and tragedy is tied to me. I think it would have better if i was in a group of similar situation type people vs the mental health facility i get therapy from looping everyone together. There was even a dad there dealing with his son's death, so I know it must have been hard on him in the group too since no one was grieving such a huge loss.

Art therapy is great for people like me who have been conditioned to be quiet and not have a voice. It's hard for me to speak out how I feel and even more harder to stand up for myself. I feel choked by my own mind at times when i want to say something and I just can't. I'm not in that group anymore though, i like my one on one with my therapy so i just bring my art to her. She asked me to draw anger. I'm kind of stumped because i feel expected to draw something red and rageful but to be honest i don't see my anger as that. I usually feel a lot of pain and sadness, mixed with frustration. So i'm hoping to come up with something that symbolizes my emotions better.

I think right now one on one is best cause i don't know all of my triggers and I don't know how to control them quite yet.

 

[Arieanna]

I've been having less nightmares lately. I feel happy about that because my nightmares are always so horriffying and graphic. I'm suppose to apply for a payee soon. I'm kind of scared of that because so many people take advantage of me. Well that is why my case manager wants me to have a payee. A lot of my abuse from my family is the fact they take advantage of me financially. I've been abused severely and i know some people may have a problem with this who have had the same experiences. It is hard to say the word no. There is always a fear behind that word for me of punishment and pain. So people see that and they know i am different and take advantage of my kindness a lot. In therapy they tell me to put myself first, to build confidence etc. I try everything it's just now i've been able to say i don't like something or don't treat me like that. It seems so simple a thing when i type it, but when your faced with situations were you are frozen with words and fear it's so difficult to say.

 

[Arieanna]

Winter months here are the worst. They remind me of my life here as a child. My father was so untrusting and controlling of me he wouldn't allow me to have a key to my own home. So rain, snow, cold, whenever he left me outside to wait for him or someone else to let me in for hours. I often was either frozen or soaking wet but i would survive, sometimes a neighbor would take pity on me and let me in to their hall way. Sometimes I was able to find shelter if he left the garage open by accident. Mainly i sat in the better cold until someone arrived, often times tears frozen to my face. As an adult when i get cold now i experience my trauma all over again i start panicking and crying loudly whenever I get too cold.
Oddly enough i cannot sleep unless my room is cold. I was treated worse than a family pet in my house. While my siblings enjoyed the comfort of a bed, I was made to sleep on the floor. I wasn't allowed to have any furniture to put my things away so my clothing was stored in bags and boxes. It wasn't so bad but them my dad decided to make me sleep in the attic. It was filled with lead paint and unfinished. It had no electricity, no insulation, and the windows were broken. I had to sleep up there winter through summer and it was brutal from both heat and cold. Many times the windshield here can get below 20. I was glad that i had two of the greatest teachers in the 5th grade and I remember them saying to keep warm you need insulation and to create layers. I used blankets, clothing, curtains, anything i could find and piled them into a mound and slept under the weight every night forcing my own heat to keep me warm in the night when it was freezing. To this day i cannot sleep without feeling weight down and i can't sleep without the room being cold. Probably because during that time was when i felt the most secure and I don't even know why i felt that way.