The 'i Want To Kill Myself' Story

[Digz]

So, tonight, for the what-seems-like the billionth time in my life, I'm having the thought that I want to kill myself. After years of therapy, I know it's just that - a thought - a well ingrained, well learnt, patterned reaction to stress and triggers born from a time when killing myself really was the only way out.
I was taught through therapy to tell myself, "I'm having the thought that...." or "Oh yes, that's the old 'I want to kill myself story again'", which I do. It works. I'm aware that it's not a thought I have to attach to. But when I'm feeling so horrible, the whole thing is almost too much. More than anything when I'm like this I feel vehement anger and a sense of injustice that I shouldn't have to manage these thoughts, that if I'd been born into a family of actual, decent human beings, managing my neuron-suicidal-pathways, just wouldn't be something I would even have to consider.
And generally I try not to be, 'Oh woe is me', but tonight I just want to say 'f**k the world' and be angry that I have been dealt this hand in life, until tomorrow when I will take a deep breath and be mummy and wife and teacher and pretend that last night, like so many over my lifetime, wasn't about intensity and struggles and avoidance of what my own brain falsely tells me is a super-duper idea.

 

[Ronin]

Saying f*ck the world, is good. You just need to not say it by dying. Because while that could be effective way of saying it, you couldn't say it again, and again, and in more creative ways, afterwards.

So what helps you get the anger, rage, outrage, frustration, fury, grief, done-ness with the world, and sadness for missing pieces of childhood/life you could have had, out? What lets you vent & reconnect, as opposed to imploding and crashing on your life?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

but tonight I just want to say 'f**k the world' and be angry that I have been dealt this hand in life

I am with you on that desire. I told my therapist yesterday that I just want to scream over and over to the world that this is not fair and how horrible it is. And actually scream so people can actually hear me. Because that is how angry I feel sometimes, when I consider what I and others have been through. It's not fair. But I liked what @Cashew said

Because while that could be effective way of saying it, you couldn't say it again, and again, and in more creative ways, afterwards.

- That's what I want to do, though the thought of suicide does sound tempting from time to time, I want the world to hear it again and again and again.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know, it all gets kind of jumbled for me. It was not my story or default, although there were definitely occasions it surely seemed like logically the only bearable option. But then it seemed to become the only livable option or recourse. I don't think of it (recently) now as a silly thought as much as a more deadly one now, (but still to think to say 'Frig Off'. I mean 'now' as in yesterday. Hardest part in the present is not seeing it as the best/ only choice.)

But I have a relative that gets consumed in anger (hurt?/grief?/loss?/betrayal? etc) now, & I don't know how to deal with her rage or SI thoughts/ talk. I tried to ask for help of what to do/say but none came.

I also read yesterday it's better to keep silent/ not involve anyone.

But then I also read yesterday (unrelated) that of people who served in Afghanistan from my country, 54 have died from suicide (recorded), which is 1/3 the number who lost their lives there. Of course, they are Veterans, & they didn't say they had ptsd. But I'm guessing it might be more likely. One guy profiled used to counsel troubled teens. So it's more than knowing 'what' to do, to overcome it.

(Not sure what to say exactly, maybe I shouldn't have posted. :( )

 

[Digz]

Thanks guys. No worries about actually following through on the suicide here. Probably didn't explain myself very well, too emotional. Just in the moment wanted to indulge my anger at the injustice of it all, but in the morning, back to normal - whatever that is!
The "that's the suicide story again" usually works for me, but although it works I get so sick of having to manage these thoughts. It's hard work.
All good though. Tired as hell, but today is a new day and I'm off to work with one eye open! Wonder if the kids I teach will notice if I just have a sleep at my desk?!!

 

[WillyKat]

I've spoken to my T often about f'ing the world. One thing the 60s may have had right was the concept of dropping out. By that I mean doing an inventory of friendships and relatives you want to keep close, forums (like this one), avoiding TV, avoiding everything unless it feeds your soul.

Our culture (by that I mean western culture) is so full of excrement that it poisons our mind. But we don't realize that we can tune out much of it, turn off some of it. That may sound like burying one's head in the sand but I don't mean that either.

I'm rambling, but I think you see my point. There's been so many times I've reached that "oh, SI again" moment. And then it takes some time before I realize, again, that I'm not crazy, they are.

 

[Gadgie]

Ah! the 60s what a time that was, it seems so far away now, I've been called "a refugee from the 60s, by some old friends.

But I'm afraid the world has spun a few times round since them glorious days of freedom and self expression, they were wonderful times.

Nowadays, I feel like I don't belong here any more, there is no place for me, I can keep up with the technology stuff, but I wonder about the social and political side of things?

 

[VioletButterfly]

I have never thought of suicide as screwing the world; I've always just wanted to leave the world behind. It's just too painful and overwhelming. Wish I could muster some anger, it might help me be more of a fighter. I get through the worst of the suicidal thinking by believing that this isn't really my life, that it belongs to God, so who am I to destroy it. I'm just a spirit in a human body. That doesn't mean I haven't prayed for my spirit to be called home. That's pretty much a daily thing which is sad. Thank you for sharing how you cope with this, it sounds like a good "off" switch for the negative thinking. Thoughts are with you. VB

 

[oasis2003]

yes I find it hard to be angry I just want to vacate escape become a spirit no feelings no struggle any more. My arms are numb through dissociation so when I slash my wrists I really wont feel any thing apart from peace

 

[Digz]

I don't think of suicide as 'screwing the world', more of a 'f*ck this, I'm outta here'. Having said that, I don't think of actually acting upon my suicidal thoughts at all anymore.
We must, however, remember that 'angry' is not a negative emotion, but rather just an emotion. It's quite healthy to be angry and many of us have a right to be angry. Burying anger can be damaging.

 

[PattyLynnCakes]

Saying f*ck the world, is good. You just need to not say it by dying. Because while that could be e...

You just saved me from running into dangerous chaos. thank you.

 

[Ronin]

@PattyLynnCakes, you saved yourself, knowing when to apply something potentially useful. ;)

Thanks for coming to tell us. :D