The "i wont call you until you call me first" syndrom

[Rani G2]

This is nothing severe, nothing which creates suffering.

Just something I have become more aware of during the last few years. I have met many people in my life who are ( Me included)very scared of the fact that they might appear as needy. This could be a selective perception as I am dealing with it as well.

Its always the " well i wont get in touch first before you Do". A first impression of this could be a deep insecurity. Fear of getting hurt because we dont want to be seen as needy humans.

Same is happening with relatives of mine. Its always a "not showing interest" rather being distant to stay in a dominant position?
Why Do we Do this?
Now I am very very angry because I dont want to be in the position of "I need something from them". Urghhh I am going to erase them all off! Idiots

 

[Tinyflame]

When I've tried to get in touch (but I am poor at it) often there is no reply. For friends I don't hold it against them but it speaks volumes. But then I've brought it on myself, also.

Same is happening with relatives of mine. Its always a "not showing interest" rather being distant to stay in a dominant position?

In my FOO no, they were never interested in anyone but themself. Well, not interested in me.

The one relative I have, she will, but in anger will say she hates texts from me.

The only people who consistently call/ text are men that want to go out, but I don't. But, it stands to reason to me if there's enough motivation there people make the effort, just as I must. But it depends on the motivation, and the motivation may not be for caring one bit about me anyway.

Like apologizing , I often do it first, but not with much expectation, but responsibilty for my part which is never a loss then. Depending on the receptivity or feedback I am encouraged or discouraged for calling however. Mostly for me I don't think it's pride(?) stopping me but low expectation of the other caring or responding. Definitely not dominance as that's not my style.

 

[scout86]

Its always a "not showing interest" rather being distant to stay in a dominant position?

Maybe the distance has nothing to do with wanting to be dominant? I can think of other reasons. Like "fear of saying or doing the wrong thing". Actually, I can think of a lot of fear based reasons why someone might not reach out to someone else. It's hard to know what something means to someone else. It doesn't always mean the same thing to everyone.

 

[Rani G2]

Mostly for me I don't think it's pride(?) stopping me but low expectation of the other caring or responding. Definitely not dominance as that's not my style.

Thanks Junebug, makes sense.

It's hard to know what something means to someone else. It doesn't always mean th

Scout86, no it isnt always the same. I always had one major perspective on this. Its a pride based "I dont need your attention I have my own thing going". This too from experience but that doesnt mean everyone is the same.

 

[Tinyflame]

I apologize, this may be neither interesting nor useful or TLDR.

I think there is a certain degree of mutual communication expected from each person to have any relationship at all. Though I understand what @scout86 means, a person can also say, 'I wasn't sure what to say or if it is ok to call..' Otherwise the person is left without, same end result as zero care. It is as much mind-reading to wonder if it's ok, if they are ok, if it's a sign of caring (trust), or total disregard. Could be any of the above. And they are polar opposites.

Scout86, no it isnt always the same. I always had one major perspective on this. Its a pride based "I dont need your attention I have my own thing going". This too from experience but that doesnt mean everyone is the same.

I assume others have their own thing going, as do I. What degree of importance is it to me to call or communicate? Or to them? How thoughtful is it of others? If you were in need, wouldn't they want to know? If they were in need, wouldn't you want to know? If not, why continue the relationship?

Now I am very very angry because I dont want to be in the position of "I need something from them". Urghhh I am going to erase them all off! Idiots

^^^ This is probably the most common (and arguably even healthier) response of people in general, when others do not communicate. Unfortunately, I tend to think nothing less or more of them, but worse of myself. Bearing in mind it comes with my own perspective, own history, own thoughts and my own cognitive distortions, I was raised with neglect, so I was not 'worth' feeding, watching or protecting. Abusive interactions and relationships et al. showed me I was not worth care or time, or even living.

I've also been left worrying about others who don't call, or having my own worries and no call back.

I've also been told by abusive people, 'See, where are your friends now?'

I do know FOO were saddled with responsibilities they avoided but potentially should not have had. I am also well-familiar with being on the receiving end of that avoidance, and rejection. But I did not have the opportunity to escape that avoidance and rejection, nor did they have the opportunity to escape the responsibility without avoidance. As a consequence, I do not want to put any other in that same position, of being burdened by me and needing to avoid. Including avoiding communication.

The way I see it, caring or being cared for/ about, are gifts, not an obligation. If they are required, there is no freedom of choice. Including initiating calling, or for others calling you. But if they don't occur, you have to ask yourself what it indicates, because actions speak volumes, and proceed as you feel best.

Best wishes.