The Impact Of Childhood Sexual Abuse On My Sexuality

[Hope4Now]

I completely respect your slowing down on this piece of things. I am looking forward to continuing to converse with you on other threads, @Echo.

I still don't think I am particularly good, disappointingly, at knowing what was normal and acceptable and what wasn't. I keep getting tripped up by it all.

You're not alone in this.

I only ever wanted a loving, mutually supporting relationship and to be settled and married. Probably too late now at my great age, but I'm going to give it my best shot without making it the be-and-end-all of my recovery (there are so many other things I have missed out on and I'm going do my best to have a shot at those too).

It's never ever too late. And a loving, mutually supporting relationship certainly doesn't have to be marriage. (Marriage is a hell of a lot of work...exhausting to me many times...and to my spouse too). My heart is wishing for you to find what you want and need on your healing journey.

I am sending you virtual safe, loving, supportive hugs if you're willing to receive them.

 

[monsterme]

When I read these comments I see myself in everyone of you.

I was molested at three by a male cousin that I trusted, molested at nine or ten by a female cousin that I trusted, molested at nine or ten sitting in the dentist's chair, violently sexually assaulted, by the Sunday school teacher's son, in my bedroom closet, while playing hide and seek, raped twice as a teenager and have dissociated myself from sex forever. My head was always somewhere else while my body enjoyed itself.

My husband and I have been together for 40 years and have averaged about one sexual connection per year. That means that there have been very long dry spells. I feel very bad about this, but I can not change the past.

Recently, which is basically, the last year, I have been working extremely hard at connecting and it is only with the last two sexual encounters that I have kept myself connected. I finally get 'it'. The intimacy thing. This is me encouraging you.

Just for the record, my dad was horrible. I haven't figured out if he was a psychopath, a narcissist, or just an asshole but he made me feel like I didn't matter and that being a girl was second rate. My mom was sort of just there. She was fourteen years younger than him and always stuck up for him.

I wanted to be a boy, I had boy friends, I dressed like a boy, and used a derivative of my given name that was androgynous. If anyone remembers Twiggy, that was my ideal figure shape for a female. At times I love my female body, old and wrinkly as it is and at times I feel like filth, but I've decided that the past does not define me. It might want to pop up and scare the shit out of me but it no longer owns me.

 

[Hatechild]

I was sexually abused from a young age by a female (I am male). It was discovered early on (though it did not stop until I was old enough and big enough to fight back) and treatment was attempted to make sure I knew what was happening to me and that I knew it was the wrong thing and not my fault so on so forth.

The only witness I had who could have provided a solid testimony is no longer among the living, so I can never bring the abuser to justice. So far I haven't found anyone I would feel comfortable talking to about it. I've tried bringing it up in counselling but it's one issue that has consistently been neglected.

I've noticed I can get incredibly irritable as a result and I just don't want to be touched at all and certain kinds of contact will be repulsive to me. Not all the time and not with everybody, but sometimes. Other times I'll get incredibly upset and kick and scream over minor inconveniences.

I don't know how I know what caused it, I just do. I can feel it deep down beneath everything.

 

[Lionheart]

I don't usually talk much on this site, about the fact that some of the abuse I suffered was sexual in nature. That is because sex is only the form it took and the bottom line is that it was abuse.

However, I will say that I too repressed the memories for about 20 years. I am a man and I was abused by males. I hated being a man and was ashamed of the fact that I was male for a long time. I wondered if I was too effeminate and if that "caused" the abuse.

I grew up with the belief that there were two types of people, abusers and victims.

In an effort to control and understand the abuse, I began subconsciously acting out the abuse ...over and over. This re-enactment is a process addiction known as "abuse-specific repetition compulsion" and it led me to expose myself to HIV/AIDS. This behavior was coupled with cutting (self-harm) and alcoholism...so that I was one white hot mess for many years.

Anyways, I had to see a trauma specialist to get myself worked out. I learned that I am in fact heterosexual. I thought for the longest time that I was gay because my body responded to the abuse stimulation

Anyway, I was feeling especially suicidal one day and decided to get help. I took myself to A.A. meetings, got a sponser and sobered up.

I then got a psychiatric evaluation and began therapy. I became ill in 1998 and by the year 2000 it was decided that I was disabled with PTSD and Depression.

That was 14-16 years ago and I can talk about it now. I have healed so that I can now enjoy my sexuality and my life in general so if you have any questions you wish to ask me please feel free.

I hope that my sharing has been helpful to you in some way,

Peace and healing hugs,
Lion

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, I don't see controversy in what you've said. It's taken me awhile to wander in here because this cuts so close to home.

My views are a bit more out there and yes, would be considered offensive to some although I've researched the topic and have found studies that actually support my belief. (As in, actual scientific studies that have been published.) I've shared my views here on the forum before in the past but don't feel like getting into it yet again. And, to be honest, I would be surprised if more studies along the same vein were conducted as it would be very polarizing and could be construed as hateful, which in this day and age, I have no doubt of that happening.

Sorry this is so cryptic. I still struggle with these issues as I can't talk to ANYONE about it without fear of being accused of being a hateful, prejudiced person.

 

[Loveneverfails]

My own experiences seemed to make me almost hypersexual for a very long time. I simply thought everyone was this way because I was surrounded by and used by so many. It wasn't a large number, but it still had a lasting effect. Being molested and raped at four(I have a memory of the setting, the pain and fear, but not the actual act so I'm not entirely sure that is correct) and then forced to endure being watched while I was showered with and instructed to clean myself until I was around the age of ten(and then watched until sixteen after that) by my female care giver and then for all intents and purposes 'pimped' to her boss at that age made it so that for a very long time, I could not be touched without it being processed by my body as sexual. It was as if my body reacted on the defensive, every touch was too much for me and it resulted in my not wanting to be touched at all for a great many years. It's only been within the last year that I've truly begun to feel safe enough to touch and be touched and that it can actually be a positive, safe and comforting experience.

What experiences I had in childhood also made it so I have a very hard time enjoying myself if there is no physical pain involved. Since that's a very common fetish in today's society, no one raises an eyebrow or asks the uncomfortable questions. The arousal at any touch also for a very long time had me believing I was bisexual, as my body responded to any touch whether by male or female. Slowly, with therapy and books on the matter, I've decoded a lot of the dysfunction as pertains to the subject of my sexuality. But as of recently I seem to have either given up hope for there being such thing as decent men in the world, or just have no desire to look for one and I know that is based on the abuse I survived.