Sufferer The Inability To Act

[Rebel Girl]

Have lost trust in nearly everyone I know. Hate leave the house if I expect to have to talk to more than one or two people at a time and then only in very safe social situations. Hate obligations and expectations. Can't handle day to day demands of life outside of basic self care. Been through many cycles of abuse, the most traumatic being 4th grade which included entire days in what was essentially a closet for having late work and being emotionally abused by professors in grad school until I developed a physical disability (90+ hour work weeks and little sleep, unending and extreme stress/criticism). I had been pursuing a masters in teaching with the hopes of giving students the kind of help I never receive and feel like I was punished for even trying to make a difference in the world. I suffer nearly constant chronic pain and have pretty much lost all faith in humanity. Living back and home and parents are heavily pressuring me to go back to school and work. They are very against going on disability and have always controlled much of my finances. I am also trans feel extremely vulnerable to unprompted and sudden emotional/physical attack when I am in public.

 

[sun seeker]

Welcome to the forum @Rebel Girl. You will find a lot of people here who can identify with what you are going through.

I feel indignant on behalf of that child that you were, locked in a closet. What is it with people who think it's all right to do these things to innocent children??!

 

[Rebel Girl]

Well, my second grade teacher told her I was a trouble maker. Don't remember much of being in her class, but I know the principal pulled me out as much as he could so I didn't always have to be in there.

 

[shimmerz]

The principal knew this was happening? Holy mother of god! So glad you are here @Rebel Girl . Have you got support from anyone? Therapist? Friends? Welcome.... :hug:

 

[Rebel Girl]

Actually 4th grade was at a new school that had just been built. That principal was far less sympathetic. Haven't seen a therapist in quite a while. Have one in mind but can't keep appointments these days. My local friend group has always felt more competitive than compassionate and I've cut off contact with quite a number of them I felt weren't good for me. I just get so exhausted constantly monitoring myself in social situations and I can't really relax or switch off since grad school. I'm constantly needing stimuli, often from multiple sources.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi @Rebel Girl and welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry for all that you've endured. I'm also sorry that your parents aren't more supportive of you. I think that many people have the idea that disability is forever, but that isn't necessarily the case. My dad was the one who was pushing for me to go on disability (actually he did all of the work as I was hospitalized through much of the application period). Not once has anyone ever said to me that disability is forever. Ok, so statistics tend to say the opposite, but the thing about PTSD is that it seems (at least to me) to be a disability that one can heal from (as opposed to others which one must simply learn to cope with). In fact, the attitude has been "you were done wrong, you paid into the system (SSDI) and now that you need it, you deserve extra help while you are unable to work so that you can heal". You mention that you have a physical disability as well, so I'm not sure about that, but my main point is that it can be a temporary tool that you use to help you heal. The ultimate goal is to get off of disability one day, and I'm well on my way to getting there. It may never happen as I can't predict the future, but that's one of my big goals in life. I don't mean to sound like I'm pushing disability, but I think that it can be extremely helpful for those who are unable to work. I've actually been told by people that they envy that I can pretty much take all the time I need to heal without having to deal with other life stressors, ie working 40+ hours a week, etc. I understand why your parents are pushing you to get back to school/work, but at the same time, this sort of attitude can really be unhelpful if one isn't capable of working.

 

[Rebel Girl]

Thanks for all the warm welcomes. I do my best to work on getting better. The disability I referenced is thoracic outlet syndrome, which isn't super fun. I definitely feel like if retirement were based on how much crap you've had to deal with I should be on an island somewhere warm.

 

[sun seeker]

The disability I referenced is thoracic outlet syndrome, which isn't super fun.

Hey, I have that. It's surprising how few people have even heard of it. For me it isn't bad enough to be disabling but it sure cuts down on the possibilities. Massage helps some but it would take more of it than I can afford to actually cure it.

 

[Rebel Girl]

Massages help some but are very painful.

 

[Tanishq]

Welcome to the forums Rebel Girl, I assure you here you will find lots of helpful information, lots of thread which help you to learn what you are going through. :)

 

[Rebel Girl]

Thanks. :)

 

[joeylittle]

welcome to the forum!