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The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

Discussion in 'Trauma Diaries' started by mumstheword, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Tired of bullies,
    Lying and trying to dominate others.
    Why can't we converse, respect and reverse
    The trend that justifies hatred and devisiveness?
    Tell me why you believe what you believe?
    Releave me of this pain and help us gain clarity.
    Derisiveness is what I feel when all around unexamined actions and reactions dominate the landscape, political distractions and manipulations play out in the media and some just steer us away from the reality of production of factions that are unwitting and unwilling to read and research, figure things out. Use your own minds, contribute to finding out what is true and helps you, is what I say, but what do I know? Very little. I know my own life, my own story, my glory is surviving so far. I'm a woman with my own mind. I'll way up what I believe, I'll assess for myself. I'll be the one to decide my own values, thinking critically. Love and tolerance is fair but be accountable or lose my trust. Give me evidence, reason and transparency if you must win me over. I'm not to be swayed by the hysteria of the day, I want facts, honesty and integrity not lies and hypocrisy.
    Be free but let me be me.
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  3. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

    Think I am going to copy your post and carry it with me where ever I go... And when I run across or energy vampires land in my zone, I'll whip it out and start reading... my own truth you just shared... thank you !! Lots of hugs for all you are carrying , it gets so damned old...
  4. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Dealing with life-long despair this morning. Maybe from conception but certainly a long standing theme in my life.
    I'm pretty sure hopelessness and despair are at the root of my debilitation.
    My childhood was full of neglect and violence and being rootless and communityless, basically having no one, but being handed around from demoralized parent to demoralized parent to various strangers and then, after I was exited from a mental health "adolescent centre" - no one.
    I could go into the rapes and attacks and being preyed on sexually as a teen but I'm not ready to go there in detail but I do want to say that the rape in Tasmania was part of why I came up here at 16.
    The other part is the very dangerous drinking and s/h I was doing at that time and the fact that my mother just wasn't there for me, so I was worried I would end up dead. So I left Tassie. I thought "parents shmarents" no care there.

    My Dad had put me in the clinic but offered no follow up therapy, prior to that, in Melbourne, even though the psychologist told him I was showing all the signs of having been sexually abused (this was when I was 15).
    So I left the southern states. No money, nothing, just a lost little girl-child/woman.
    I had offered my services of sex to a drug addict heroin user that I had known from childhood because our mum's had been friends. So I hitched up with him. I got up to here, and didn't want to go any further. Basically I used him to get away from those people who abandoned me and failed me as parents.

    I didn't have a chance though. I was a walking target for sociopaths, psychopaths, sexual predators and narcissists.
    Survival is my victory which isn't that spectacular. Now I need to take this long standing demoralized abandoned child/woman, then young mother despair into therapy today.

    I live to prevent my children from having to experience that level of pain and aloneness, exploitation and brutality but I fear I have failed them and that is very hard to live with.
    littleoc, ladee, NinjaWolf and 2 others like this.
  5. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    Your survival was a hugely spectacular victory! Everything you went through and still you came out the other side alive. You were living in a nightmare and you could have ended it at anytime. But you chose not to. You chose to go on, to keep fighting, to live. You made some tough decisions along the way - like leaving the kids behind because it was what you had to do. But you survived and are now there to help guide them because you are still doing the hard work to learn how to best help you, so you can help them. You are always looking outward to where you can make someone else's life better. And that is spectacular
    mumstheword, Xena, littleoc and 2 others like this.
  6. NinjaWolf

    NinjaWolf I'm a VIP

    @mumstheword Parents just cannot prevent everything. It is very hard to come to grips with the possibility that something we did or didn't do may have negatively impacted someone we love. I think you are courageous to look at this. I'd argue you are becoming more and more there for them, as you do what you need for you. That's not failure at all. However, I understand sometimes it's about just letting it 'suck.'
    Much respect to you.
  7. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    Thank you NinjaWolf :). I spoke to my son (the one who I just went through more hell over) and he repeated something that I said to him many years ago "You can only fail if you give up" and he said "and you haven't given up, Mum"
    I said "And I will never give up."

    I'll be there for them for the long haul.

    My lonely frightened childhood haunts me on a day to day basis and I can't live with the thought of my children suffering anywhere near like I have.

    I think my shame outweighs cause. My shame is born of being a bona fide victimized person and I can't bare that. I detest risking being seen as a victim but I won't lie and pretend I'm someone I'm not.

    I have told my children various levels of what I've lived through and it's never an easy or pleasant task.

    Pride is a luxury I've not had the privilege of indulging in too much of, but I hang on too as much dignity as I'm able.

    My victimhood is humiliating in the utmost, not something I'll ever parade around or try score brownie points over. I hate telling them the world is so hazardous but to me, it is.

    I don't give up hope though. I believe it can and will get better for us. I'm prepared to work for those ends. It's not just me I'm working so hard to recover for, it's for my darling offspring.

    My boy/man child and I are ok now.
    I'm so relieved. He apologized for the way he treated me and knows I care so much about him and cherish whoever it is he wants to be, but I've worked too hard to become my own person so I'll not be bullied, maligned or silenced anymore. I'll not be manipulated or scapegoated anymore. I've hardened my sword of truth through the fire of sufferation and determination and grace.
    I stand on commitment to baring what's real and revealing what's false.
    That might sound arrogant but I'm clearing my mind. I am attempting to stand my ground and hold my space.
    Maybe I'll still be maligned, some of that is beyond my control, but I'll be damned if I don't stick to my principles and personally honed truths.
    T session today. I read her the above post. She encouraged me to support and encourage my son to get some good supports in place, other than me. He's open to that. I've got a good lead of a org that supports people with more diverse sexual and or gender orientation than hetero norm and I'm encouraging him to explore reaching out to them. They offer counselling. We'll see.
    At any rate, we are good now and I think he feels more secure than.ever about our relationship and that's very important to me.

    I shared more about myself and my past and it hurt to tell him but I think, ultimately, we are closer for it.
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2018
    Xena, NinjaWolf, littleoc and 3 others like this.
  8. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    I had a meeting with my older son's guardian and his "key worker" today.
    It went well, I think. I hadn't met her before, his "guardian", she's nice, has a lot of clients though.
    I was quite chatty, I get more talky when I'm not feeling so well, I think I came across well though. It was all on topic and focused on my son's wellbeing and aspirations, but I did tell them I'd been in hospital recently.
    I was going to go for guardianship of my son, myself (he's a young adult) but "Mental Health" convinced me to allow them to apply for an "Independant guardian" to, quote "protect you from being a target" or some such notion. My ex is a targety kind of fellow and I'm a, quote "soft target" according to my Mental Health nurse practitioner.
  9. Freida

    Freida Been There, Done That, Lived to Tell the Story Premium Member

    A dear friend of mine did that with her adult disabled son about two years ago and it has worked out really well. They still have a relationship but it keeps her at a "safe" distance. And it makes him feel more like an adult because he lives in a group home and gets to make decisions for himself - under the careful eye of the guardian of course,
  10. NinjaWolf

    NinjaWolf I'm a VIP

    Can affirm what your son said. This is enough.
    Do keep saving some for you, too. You will always be worth the investment. :hug::hug::hug:
  11. Xena

    Xena Well-Known Member

    Hi @mumstheword.... I never really knew your life story and when I read it my heart broke for you.
    And as you have said this is the first time you are taking care of you... Therapy.
    To survive what you have... To be positive and helpful to others on here... To care and support us all. Shows enormous humanity and shows what a special lady you are.
    Im so sorry that you went through that hell. But I just wanted to thank you.. Your support.. Your care.... We all support you and send big hugs.. Anytime... X
  12. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    That was too lovely and kind, sweet Xena:hug:. I can get overwhelmed and awkward:x3: when shown kindness and admiration. I really appreciate it though. Thank you:happy:
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2018 at 11:59 PM
    NinjaWolf, Xena and littleoc like this.
  13. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

    I missed this at first @Frieda. Trust you to come through with something so grounded and supportive. You're a spectacular person. You are an incredible human being, I can't believe your strength, grit, generosity of spirit, and kindness. You are a walking miracle, woman.
    Why is it that such good people, too often, get so badly treated? And we blame ourselves for what others do to us and those we can't save or protect?
    That's what we've got to work on, knowing that we are good even though we aren't invincible and we certainly aren't invulnerable.

    I used to try so hard to be super mum, Huh! Then I realised I wasn't even adequate mum:notworthy:.
    But I never stopped being caring mum, which is, in good part, what's hurt so much.

    I am reaping some harvest though. I have people who love and trust and appreciate me, in my life.
    I have a measure of self respect. I cut myself a lot more slack than I used to, and I self care rather than sabotage and hurt myself so much. I live smaller yet kinder to myself. I'm learning to stick up for myself, that's hard won.
    Lots of love, respect, appreciation and admiration to you, Frieda:smug:. To me, you are a truly heroic human being and I am utterly in awe of your spirit, wisdom, kindness and courage.
    NinjaWolf, Freida, Xena and 1 other person like this.
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