The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

T

This is great!!

There is so much going on for you. Just all the time. You’re surviving like a cham...

Thank you darling @littleoc :) I guess I've had a very hectic life and my default position.Is to feel shame, which doesn't help me in my recovery.
I'm a funny blend of badly humiliated and self assured, intelligent and talented woman.
That "acutely" and "highly" sensitive thing again.
I'm constantly feeling guilty for not spreading more love, empathy, validation and care around, on this site. It seems no matter what I do, I always find ways to feel so inadequate and guilty for not being "enough".
I really would like to change this default setting and give myself a break though.
I'm so, so worn out and hopeless feeling.
No, that's not true, I do have hope. And I have amazing, inspiring and beautiful people in my life, like you @littleoc .:inlove::hug::joyful: .
Sweetheart.
You give me hope and joy to see you achieve and triumph and persevere in the face of unbelievable challenges. Thank you for being you. I am humbled and in awe of your astounding spirit.:rolleyes::playful:

 

[littleoc]

I’m awed by you!

And you ARE enough. No need to be more affectionate, you haven’t hurt anyone at all. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

I’m awed by you!

And you ARE enough. No need to be more affectionate, you haven’t hurt an...

I'm crying again:cry: thinking about you and how you have touched my heart so much.
Thank you:hug:
I needed people like you, to lift me up and realize how astoundingly resilient we all are and how, still being here, is an absolute gift, despite the pain and humility of our disabilities and challenges.
I do think we are awesome. I really, really do.

I'll get out there again. Get back to uni, I'm sorta waiting for the libtard hypocrisy and insanity to die down a bit. It makes me want to:locktopic::cautious::arghh; . I used to think of myself as a lefty but I'm being cured of that. I'm definitely a classic libertarian and I believe in freedom of speech and reason and establishing facts with a passion. I love sound science. I love non-violence. I'm probably gonna be considered a heretic, by (lots of) religious types and a religious type by atheists, but I'm truly tolerant, just, not of hypocrisy and intolerant minorities, in our countries. I love the freedoms and "privileges" that we, in our secular countries, enjoy and I don't want to see us denied them, without solid reasons.

I'm so sad about the police being executed, in your country.

I'm sad about the white guilt and man shaming that's going on.

About rampant sexism towards men.

And people claiming "victimhood" like it's some badge to wear, and virtue signalling. Just craziness.

 

[littleoc]

I'm crying again:cry: thinking about you and how you be touched my heart so much.
Thank you:hug:
I...

As someone who’s about as in the middle politically as one can be — I’m glad you can pick out what wasn’t useful to you, or was harmful to others.

It’s great that you care! You’re definitely awesome!

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm constantly feeling guilty for not spreading more love, empathy, validation and care around, on this site.

No need. You're one of my rocks here. You're a mum and mums, and a good one at that. Caring, so caring. You're a wonderful human being and I'm glad I met you.

I'm leaning center lately as well, so I get it.

 

[mumstheword]

(Not so) Dear A, I wanted to write you a letter, just for myself, my process.

It's clear to me, that you do, on some level, have feelings about me. I mean of course you do, you are reminded of me, everyday, when you look into the faces of our children.

But I also know, that you don't feel for me. I get it, I believe I do get it. You once asked me "why are you such a wimp?" I was 21 and pregnant with my third child to you, singing in your band and about to have our third child, in a car park.
I don't think I was ever a wimp. You were wrong.
You are wrong about a lot of stuff.
Close to the end of our relationship, you said "you're too strong for me", lucky for our children, I am.

You didn't break me, but you damn near came close to it. I.know you hate me. You told me I wasn't honorable, because I left you, instead of dying. I am honorable.
I am here because I'm not piking out on the parenting job. Unlike you, I take the responsibility for other's lives, seriously and with care.
I can't imagine what a mess things would be without me still here. Actually I can and it's horrifying. Unfortunately, I do know how bad things can get for kids who don't have parents looking out for them.

In your f*cking mean, cold, empathyless face, I survived.

You are now an old man, your kids will figure out what you're about and most likely you will die without love, regretting that you never learnt what love is and why it's better to be an honest and responsible human being.

I hope you have some realizations before that, but I'm not holding my breath.
And yes, I would forgive you if you were truly repentant and remorseful, because I do know what love is.
But sadly, I doubt that will happen either.

At this stage, I'm kind of just waiting for you to die so there is no one getting between my children and I and causing me worry and fear everyday.

Surely 28 years of destroying someone's life is enough!
But oh well, I'm a survivor and I will endure. I've made it this far.

You are losing control over our kids. I can't wait for them to be free of you. But I will. I will wait. It will happen. Just like I got free of you. You are afraid of that, but it will happen.

 

[Freida]

I love this ^^^^

 

[mumstheword]

Once again, I'm overwhelmed by kindness here . Why am I so taken aback and shocked by kindness?

I am a kind person, I think.

I get really upset just thinking about hurting people's feelings.
I really need to work on that.
Massive charge about it, like, if I think about hurting people's feelings, it feels so dangerous.
It feels life threatening.
I need to work on this fear. It must be coming from some kind of cognitive distortion.

 

[ILoveLife]

Why am I so taken aback and shocked by kindness?

I don't know. I find it really difficult to process kindness towards my and people actually trying to help me move forward. I've thought about genuinely asking but that would be weird I suppose lol :oops:

:hug: here with you

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Pretty good day :) actually went out. My youngest daughter turned 17 at the beginning of the month and i'd been so damn symptomatic that I didn't even get it together to get her a present, so we organized to go to Bunnings, which has a big nursery/garden centre. My girl is very much into gardening :).

She rang us yesterday (she lives with me and my guy and her youngest bro, and works, is in her 2nd last year of high school and spends a lot of time at Dad's. He encouraged her to get a weed habit so she's been.smoking since 14 now and consequently spends a lot of time at Dad's, satisfying the habit and hanging out with all my other stoner kids and their Dad), said she was going to the "Gem fest" a crystal market that only happens once a year in the town I want to move to.

We met her there. I've been a few times. Most significantly, when I had just left my ex and was extremely ill. I was homeless and very manic and shattered, so today was a little reminiscent. I didn't really want to go in, but my guy decided to pay for us to go in and well, it's very beautiful and exciting. I love interesting rocks and gem fest has the best and most beautiful. He ended up buying me an amazing peice of cut and buffed sandstone from Utah. Very beautiful patterned stone. I think I'll post a pic soon.

We bumped into my 2nd born son, you know, the one with disabilities. He was so happy to see us. He was there with a support worker. A very kind-faced man who I've only met once before.

We didn't stay long and the crowds were making me a little jittery, not too bad, but my guy is very sick with flu at the mo, so we headed off for some food and bunnings.

I bought dawty so many plants and awesome terracotta and glazed pots. My guy is a horticulturalist by trade (and a computer technician) so he has heaps of good tips and knowledge to share with us.

It was a good day. She had a much needed day off from the slog of year 11 and a pizza shop job and I got to treat my gorgeous and beautiful inside-and-out daughter to some late birthday presents and we all enjoyed the plants and crystals. So much nature colour and beauty! I fantasized about moving and having room for more beautiful things in my life,i.e. plants and beautiful stones of many many hues and shapes and varieties.

My guy was so sick, he is such a champion guy, he still drove us around and taught us new things and treated us very well.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm glad you had a good day. Sounds like it was actually a really wonderful day! You deserve wonderful days :) :hug: