The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

And this is a good opportunity to practice 'act as if'... to act as if you are confident about the outcom...

Thank you ladee! Yes acting "as if" has been a default mode for me for more of my life than I care to admit :barefoot:;).

I have it down pat.:)
The guy we saw ended up being a nice man, so we were in luck. My application had just been sitting there for nearly half a year and nobody had done anything about it, so getting all my supporting letters from counsellors, clinicians and support orgs is really going to push me to the top of the list.
He was a kindly, most likely gay, very effeminate man and I even joked to him "You're not scary at all!".

He seemed to like my guy too, which is good because he is a very tall, perhaps slightly intimidating-looking, bald, white man and many people seem to judge him (lots and lots of overly PC people and extreme "feminists" around here). He is always delighted when people are friendly, because he gets so much of the hostile judgey receptions.

We are trying to move separately as we both need room for our children, who are living with abuse-neglector other parents.

Hopefully the fact that where I am now is soooo rough and problematic and my guy is a security for the neighbor women and children here, will help him get approved to take over the lease.

I took him in only because he had nowhere else to go because I was no way ready for a live in relationship. The fact that we are still together and still like each other is kind of a miracle:woot:!!!!

If we didn't have all these children I think we would be fine to continue living together but the very real threat of serious
intergenerational trauma, for our kids, just cannot be ignored.

I can hardly believe we have 10 children between us! Mine were a product of neural damage, entrapment, brainwashing and mental unwellness. My guy has (had) a serious brain injury - TBI, and all his children were conceived after the fact too, so we were both, literally, not in our right mind when we co-made all these children.

To top it all off we are both deeply empathetic, perhaps much more so because of our neural impairments. The kid's welfare have to come first.

 

[Swift]

Great work!
I hope it works out for you.

 

[mumstheword]

Epic day of three fights with my guy yesterday.
I got defensive over him being kinda judgey about my kid's gender-bending fashion and make up style.
Ok, I'm just in kinda shell shock right now. My son just told me he was.... well, he got raped by his "friend" a kid who used to come over a lot. My son was sexually assaulted when he was 11, he's 20 in a couple of weeks, he's been carrying this around for 9 years. I'm in shock. f*cking hell. I hugged him for a long time. I told I was sorry I wasn't there for him.
f*ck! f*cking interf*cking generational f*cking trauma just keeps happening. I know my oldest has been molested as a toddler and incesty shit happened with my younger sisters and him as a child too. He's had some psychosis that relates to his sexuality and I haven't even told him about him being orally raped as a two year old (it was by another child).

My oldest triggered this son (he's my second youngest son, third youngest child) when he was a bit psychotic last year and paranoid and did something defensive towards my 20 year old in relation to his genital region and my sweet queer adorable boy got triggered and cried a lot and told his brother and Dad what had happened, this was earlier this year.
Anyway he just told me. I'm starting to feel emotion build up but at first I was in numb shock but still managed to extend some sound support and comforted him. We had been talking about a lot of issues related to trauma and victimization and gender and sexuality and rape prior to him confiding in me. f*ck f*ck f*ck! Uuuuuugghhhhh.

He said his Dad hugged him what he told him, I'm surprised actually, but at least he did that.
I don't think he wants to lose any children. even though he wanted me dead. Ok I'm starting to get tears. My kid(s) have been through so much too! So glad I can devote myself full-time to my own recovery and parenting. The fallout from shitty trauma-abuse-family-nightmare just keeps on revealing it's f*cking f*cked surprises. Uuuuuuugghhhhhhh.:arghh;:cry::eek::confused::coffee:

 

[mumstheword]

I knew there was a reason I cried so much over losing connection with my kid and I was so, so worried about him last year. I couldn't even grieve my dead unborn foetuses.
When I first moved over here I invited him over and he made excuses and wouldn't come over. I was so upset I would cry myself to sleep and wake up in the morning with my face wet with tears I'd cried while asleep.

I think we inadvertently triggered him once when he slept over at my partners old house. Actually he's there now as one of his close friends has just moved into the house. Anyway, he was in the next room, in the opposite side of the wall once when I forgot myself and made sex noises while he was just on the other side of the wall. I bet that triggered him. f*ck I'm gross.

Anyway, that was a long time ago. I basically lost contact with him for about 5 and a half to 6 years. I was waaay too traumatised to go around to the house or call them.
It's taken a lot of therapy to make the inroads I have and there is a long way to go yet.
I may have him living with me for many years yet as he's had his childhood stolen too and is pretty child like now. He even told me that himself, that he feels he didn't get to be a child. Man, shit's just not fair and keeps happening and reoccurring patterns, generation following generation, when will it stop ?

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm so sorry mums. That's so terribly awful.
I wish we could help you more but I'm sitting here with you giving you support, however you want to receive it.

A million hugs and a blanket and a fort to hide out for the time being for little you. :hug:

Love you.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm so sorry mums. That's so terribly awful.
I wish we could help you more but I'm sitting here with you...

Thank you dear sweet Sietz:cry: Thank you! It means alot. You comfort me all the way from Portugal.:hug: I'm feeling sad and crying. I'm a big sook, I cry a lot, mostly when I'm alone now though. My guy is out working and my two boys are busy, thank God, I think I'll cope ok but no wonder he was suicidal earlier this year!
Even when I didn't get to see him, my kinda "Stepson" and he were best friends and stepson lived here with me and his father for 4 years. I comforted myself that I had, at least, supported that to happen. Stepson was a good support and friend to my son but I bet he hasn't told him either. Just his Dad, oldest brother and now me.
I just want to go back in time and take care of my boy when he was a younger boy, hurting and not getting the care he needed. I love him so much! This hurts.:cry:

 

[ILoveLife]

Can you help him get help, a trauma T?
Or is that a financial strain?
Maybe you being the stepping stone for his recovery might make you all feel relatively better.

 

[mumstheword]

Can you help him get help, a trauma T?
Or is that a financial strain?
Maybe you being the stepping ston...

I want to get him a T, we've talked about it quite a bit. Even before I knew about this I knew he had been through enough to warrant seeking out a good T. We'll definitely be exploring our options around that in the near future. I told him it's really important to get support around processing these kinds of traumas.
I'm just so grateful I've dealt with my stuff so proactively and had good T's for myself.

 

[ILoveLife]

About your ex hugging your son... My ex R loved his son. If what R did to me happened to his son he would go bezerk. He had no problem in his kid becoming like him though.
And at 5yo the kid already made fun of me crying. Something to ponder.

We'll definitely be exploring our options

That's great. :)

We'll be here supporting that part of your journey as always :) :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

T

About your ex hugging your son... My ex R loved his son. If what R did to me happened to his son he would...

This is one of the reason, I believe. that he avoided me for so long. He actually came to live with me when was in the Woman's Refuge. I had my youngest daughter with me too. He was always riding her, criticising her, being a mini his Dad and I wouldn't condone it or let it slide. I'll admit, it was heaps triggery. I was way unwell and I think, intolerant of anything resembling his Dad's abusive behaviour.
They are good friends now though, he's a staunch feminist and closer to his sisters and I than his brothers and Dad.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yep. The hardest thing for me when leaving the relationship was leaving the kid too.
Him existing in our lives was what kept me from doing drugs. His mother was a drug addict from good families, his father was a deadbeat "artist" abuser. Both their families protected them. I just turned my back and hoped for the best for that kid.
They loved him so maybe that would open their eyes for their behavior eventually. Mostly hers.

 

[Swift]

Oh lordy I'm so, so, so, so sorry beyond words, mums.
I am also so, so, so, so glad he has you.
This must feel horrible. I can't begin to imagine.
But it is not your fault.
It's that f*cking rapist's fault.
And it's also not your fault he hasn't disclosed til now, either.
Speaking as a gay person with a same gender abuser, there was a whole clusterf*ck of shit I needed to sort out in my head about the abuse and my, er, non-mainstream sexuality, before I told anyone about either. Coming out is tough, and living as visibly queer is tougher. I'd be surprised if your son didn't have similar issues. Coming out as abused and queer, if the abuse was queer, is probably the most difficult thing.
There are lots of good, free resources, sometimes counselling etc available at your local queer centres. We did a lot of work with abused men, gay or not gay. I reckon that was the most important thing we did.
Is there anything you can do to let him be a kid? Take him on an outing as his mum?
My heart hurts for both of you.