The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Ok, :-) Back already :-).

I realized, I am a deeply political person.

I am PASSIONATELY political.

I get SO UPSET and frightened sometimes.
I get ANGRY. I don't feel guilt anymore, though. I KNOW I'm a decent and honourable person. I try to be fair, tolerant, honest, kind and compassionate. I see TOO MANY inconvenient truths. Too many unpopular realities. Too many painful failures and deficits, it frightens me, sometimes.
I am very intelligent. It doesn't make me any kind of better person, it's often a burden, an alienating thing. I am deeply sensitive. I am autistic. I am soulfully creative. I am an artist, but not a "successful" one, I had too many children.for that, too many disadvantages and too much (invisible) autism and struggles. I need to EMBRACE my disadvantages, it makes me more SOULFUL. I ACCEPT my difficulties, the limitations and struggles, the "house arrest" that I find my condition puts me under, the sense of HOSTILITY and threat I feel in my community and my own reticence to reach out, these days. That's on me, I guess and in part, a failure of my community and family, to accomodate me, to protect me, to love me, to give me acceptance and hope, but WHO SAID life was fair? Who said life owed me anything? SO WHAT if I feel I'm owed more, if life has been rough on me? I am GRATEFUL just to be alive, to have a roof over my head, to have my art, family and no violence perpetuated on me anymore. I still have dreams, plans and goals. I AM the master of my destiny! It's not my time to shine like I have before, when I STRUGGLED for my life, for my children and too live non-violently, soulfully, loudly, and passionately. But I beam quietly, now, a bit sadly, wistfully, creative still, and I LOVE deeply.

I am trying to get into a group therapy for childhood sexual abuse survivors. If I get into the group, I will catch two buses to get there and two buses to get home, once a week. I have been to the group orientation and have been asked back for a one on one interview, next thursday.
It will get me out of the house. It will keep me from isolating and avoiding people.

I can't stay away, from here, it seems.
Thank you @Juso, @somerandomguy and @Freida!

 

[Freida]

Welcome back!! :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thanks @Freida! :-)

 

[mumstheword]

One thing with me these days ... I am kinda zombiey, physically. Emotionally, I am quite good, but physically? Not very functional, at all.

I am waiting on seeing if I am accepted into the childhood sexual abuse group, I think I will be. I suspect there is a whole layer of stuff I haven't really addressed at all around the sex abuse/being sexually abused stuff as well as my "mother wounds" . And I'm thinking, that as I start to peel off those layers, maybe I will come back to life again, physically.

I'm considerable heavier than I would like to be. I am still pretty agoraphobic and I socially isolate A LOT still. Although I have my son (the one who tells me he would be a "psychopath" if it wasn't for me, and he's serious, scarily, deadly serious) and my guy, around, and things are good with both of them, so I'm not too, terribly isolated, but, I won't even go out the front if anyone else is around, let alone go down to the shops or the post office. Occasionally I can psyche myself up for it, but, yeah, not often.

I have figured out that the extra weight I'm carrying is a way to keep dissociating from and rejecting my body and I'm pretty sure the sexual abuse and wounded female/mum stuff is at the root of it.

I prefer to live in my head, but, I am much better at sitting with myself, now. I'm not "on the run" anymore, instead I've placed myself under house arrest, or maybe just "hiding out" for my own protection and laying low, while my psyche wounds heal.

I feel a lot calmer, these days. Hiding is working for me. I got sooooo tired of being anxious and unhappy! I'm barely even worrying and angsting over my children, any more. I feel like I'm in a time/age bubble. I'm about thirteen/fourteen/fifteen and I'm living the life that my that-age self would have liked. I read, watch stuff, research, paint, mainly. I sleep too much. I don't go out, hardly at all. I have no desire to. It might not be, exactly, healthy, but it's where I'm at, right now. No more pushing me, I'm too soul-weary, for that.

My equine therapy sessions ran out, late last year, they were fun, but, hopefully, this group therapy thing; it's an 18 week, once a week, course, kind-of-thing, does the trick.

Childhood, adolescence and child-rearing are still all baring down on me, hard. It's time I got out from under the yoke of my past and simply, deepened my soulfulness with it all, rather than letting it keep me stuck, hiding, fat and lethargic.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm just immobilized and I'm past feeling guilty. I'm past feeling like a failure, coz it all got on top of me.
I think I did ok, I got this far, my children are all still alive, I'm still alive ... I've been addressing stuff.

I don't hate my life.

I feel a lot of gratitude.

I DO feel like there is a future (maybe ...I'm hoping so).

 

[mumstheword]

... But to be honest, this is what I think of myself, at the moment ... I'm a "lazy arsehole" is what I call myself. Uni didn't work out, I'm not looking for a job, heck, I'm not even working on my driver's license. Ok, I'm not busy destroying my own or anybody else's life, but I'm doing f*ck all at the moment. Just ... immobalized, still knocked for six.
Yeah, a dark moment of excruciating honesty. Not sure where my outside "career" life is going. I miss my music career, but, I don't have the social energy or even tolerance for what's the present day fad in all things trendy-but-devoid-of-genuineness. I know, now, that the Aspieness and the near genius IQ are now what set me back, socially, and locally, and, of course, the trauma crapola. I can't even go to uni as PC agendas destroyed social science and the sense of "safe space" that real science gives me, so, I'm a bit bitter and disillusioned with the world.

You know what? Jordan Peterson is restoring my faith in the world of academia and giving me faith that social science hasn't completely been sabotaged by political propagandists. Oh and Janice Fiamengo; Canada, obviously, hasn't totally gone to the crazy minority PC police.

What happened to valuing real science and not allowing it to be hijacked by political lobbiests? Out the window, it seems, but Jordan is helping me feel "safe" again; intelligent discourse is still a real thing, at least with what he's involved in.

 

[somerandomguy]

You're not lazy! You're healing!!

 

[mumstheword]

You're not lazy! You're healing!!

I am! It's true! Thanks for the feedback SRG :-)! I called you SRW @somerandomguy ! Why did I do that? Sorry for that!

 

[mumstheword]

So so, exceedingly tired! And yet I havent been doing anything. Maybe I'm tired of my do nothing lifestyle?
Admittedly, this place I'm living in is far from ideal, every day and I mean EVERYDAY people around here scream and yell in truly horrible and disturbing ways. I'm PTSed out of even going out my front door. I feel like society is falling apart around me. Honestly? this is a drug town and I feel no sense of sanctuary here. What's good is the nature around me.

I grew up "hippy" and it was frightening and disadvantageous and this is the hippyest town in this country.. I, actually, never wanted to live here.
I know I didn't drink enough water yesterday, and then I drank some wine -big mistake, I didn't think I drank that much, but it hit me hard. Today I am worse than usual. I feel like my usual state these days, is semi comotose, maybe that's hyperbolic, but it's the best description for it. Oh, now I'm listening to an abusive neighbor, a real dickhead, yelling, probably at his baby mama, next their tiny boys will start screaming.

Last night, in the middle of the night I got woken up from screaming and yelling, I thought it was them, but it was someone else. I considered calling FACS on them (family and child services) those little boys haven't got much of a chance. It's depressing, to say the least. My neighbors are, mostly, horrible people, immoral bullies and abusers, drug dealers, thieves, drunks, just horrible people.

 

[mumstheword]

So that's dark ...


But today we will take a pleasant trip to a very nice town, closer to the coast, to take 20-year-old to the dentist, again.

I am frustrated with my health though. It seems that all those years, living on adrenaline, has taken a big toll. I know I need to commit to living much healthier, even though my diet is pretty stellar, I need to upgrade. I don't take any psych drugs, only occasional benzos, I eat pretty keto, I don't smoke, no party drugs, lots of whole foods.

But this frozen and comatoseness is lingering and lingering. I guess I stayed in a terrible, terrible situation for so many years, now it is taking so many years to come back from that nearly-not-here-total-shattering-and-losing-my-mind-place. Progress is slow.

 

[mumstheword]

Actually, I'm going to correct myself - progress is slower than I would like it to be.
But, progress is progress, and I am healing. I am a woman of soul and heart and endurance and I am steadily progressing up the mountain of my own self-freeing actualization.

I needed to put a positive spin on my whinge.:-)

 

[Juso]

Go easy on yourself dear mums. ❤ One thing at a time. You are processing and processing and processing. One of the causes of PTSD is the lack of emotional processing. So you just have to catch up. No wonder you're so tired!
Hugs and much love :hug: