The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Soul calls me to talk to that child,

the one I carry within,

to tell her, I'm here, she's not alone,

anymore.

She's needy and asking "Is it safe?".

I'm still not sure, but I'm here with her.

She wants to make things with her hands, have friends and laugh, she wants people to see who she is.

She's tired of hiding, performing, pretending. She's tired of hostility, her sense of powerlessness and mind games.

She wants to feel safe!!!!! Will it happen?

I hope so.

 

[Freida]

Actually, I'm going to correct myself - progress is slower than I would like it to be.
But, progress is progress, and I am healing.

Someone with ptsd saying recovery is not going as fast as they want? Gasp - say it's not so! :laugh: :hug:
I fuss at my ts all the time about this -- why aren't I getting better faster? And they remind me, again, that there is a lot of injury that will need a lot of time to heal. I don't get to set the pace -- my brain does.
and oh ya -- hating that. Want brain to cooperate. Brain don't care.

So I look at the little progresses and try to call those wins. And slowly, oh soooo slowly, I see them.
Progress is progress. No matter how small :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So I got into the group. It starts next thursday.
I'm feeling good about it.
One of the ladies who runs it asked me about this website. I'm guessing she might refer people to it.

I had a pretty good day. I've been taking Ashwaganda, I think it's helping, with my energy levels. I'm feeling a bit less half dead.

The ladies seem nice. The psychologist has the same name as me, which is funny, strange, as I have a very unusual name. It's an Australian name too, so I doubt there are many of us outside the country either.
I liked her vibe.
Oh, and I started a blog on Aspie central website, yesterday.
I gave up alcohol, again. I'm paring back on anything empty calorie, getting ready for a serious low carb weight loss regime, but I'm not starting til bext month, officially, just gradually building up for it. I had a delicious dinner based on mixed seafood, zuchetti and green beans, so yum!
Also, going to start gym after group, on thursday.

 

[Freida]

So happy you got in!

 

[mumstheword]

So happy you got in!

Thank you @Freida! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

 

[mumstheword]

Someone with ptsd saying recovery is not going as fast as they want? Gasp - say it's not so! :laugh: :hug:
I fuss at my ts all the time about this -- why aren't I getting better faster? And they remind me, again, that there is a lot of injury that will need a lot of time to heal. I don't get to set the pace -- my brain does.
and oh ya -- hating that. Want brain to cooperate. Brain don't care.

So I look at the little progresses and try to call those wins. And slowly, oh soooo slowly, I see them.
Progress is progress. No matter how small :hug:

Haha :laugh: I know, right?!!
Another reality check from my awesome friend, Freida.:-)

 

[mumstheword]

So lacklustre today.

I'm hating myself a bit, 'cause of weight gain that's happened over Christmas and my birthday month.

On thursday, I start group and from there, catch the bus down to the gym.

It's been intensely hot and bright and dry here over the summer holidays and festive season, and I've been a lethargic cow. I'm looking forward to an exercise regime, again. The (plan is, it will be the) best one since moving back to this "trauma site" town that has knocked me for six, these past few years.

I resent that I am witness to daily domestic abuse and child abuse, hear, sure it's only hearing it, but still.

It's complicated, the people doing it are aboriginal people, just about everyone around us, in this complex is. I don't want to be part of more disempowering and invasive intervention, by calling the authorities, and it's likely, the authorities will do nothing to help, only serve to frighten and "persecute" them, even more.

People here are often embroiled in "ice" use and they act crazy and paranoid, as it is. I don't live right next the the family, in crisis, (the current one, it's been just about every household taking turns, and there are 6 households in the complex) but I still hear their daily domestic meltdowns and bullyfests.

I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything.
I sure feel uncomfortable and as result I rarely go outside. Couple that with a very "race" fuelled prejudice towards us. Despite the fact that my partner has an aboriginal daughter (not a widely know fact) and that I worked with many, many aboriginal performers, activists, events organisers and cultural educators in my formative career, we are simply (seem to be) seen as the resident "white c*nts", and my guy seems to elicit a bit of fear, being very tall and pretty formidable looking (muscular and alpha, he's been around and lived through more violence and adversity than the average "white fella" bar, perhaps vets and serving military), so we are looked upon pretty suspiciously, it appears.

We tend to keep out of the constant dramas that unfold around here, especially me, I am so burnt out of drug fuelled and abuse fuelled drama.

My guy always makes sure no woman and children are in direct threat though and will intervene if they are.

The mental and emotional abuse is hard to listen to though, it just reminds me of too much of my prior life; triggery as f*ck.

The result? I'm housebound, on the whole.

My dude friend is working today.

What is a "sensitive" Aspie type, like me, to do? Move, I guess. One day. I certainly want to.

I'm so tired of unreasonable drug addicts and alcoholics and racists and hypocrites and ignorant insensitive personality disordered people. Like really, really, really tired and kind of defeated by it, result of too many years trying to help, connect, show care, set an example, get through to, and put up with that sort of crap.

It seems I'm "too" sensitive, affected, sad, hurt, stumped and under resourced to try to "make a difference" anymore.

I tried, I really did, for many, many years, but these sorts of cultural and health issues (problems) are just too big, entrenched, and endemic for me to deal with. I want to help, but I just don't know how, don't have the energy and feel too discouraged these days.

 

[Freida]

I want to help, but I just don't know how, don't have the energy and feel too discouraged these days.

I think this might be self-preservation kicking in. You are watching all these huge problems unfold around you and not only are they triggering you, but they are things you can't fix. So you try to turn it on yourself as "I should be able to help!" instead of letting yourself be ok with no being able to do anything to change it. I get this because i ran into the same thing at dispatch. There were so many times I heard the same people over and over and I wanted to help. But. I had to accept that sometimes the problems are unfixable without some kind of major societal intervention So I had to walk away to save my own sanity --- and that feels crappy.

I don't really have any words of wisdom - just hoping it helps to know it's not just you,

 

[mumstheword]

Not a very "good" or well day. It was going fine, and then I made the mistake of telling my guy my "good" dream about the neighbors. I was a their party and felt really awkward (this is the ones next door who's young mum almost sent me into breakdown mode after treating me callously when I was miscarrying and then proceeded to come over, for stuff she wanted, one, two, sometimes three times a day for, literally months and months, because my partner feels sorry for her and offered to help her with varous things) anyway then I started playing with her little girl (in the dream) and I had a lovely time hanging out with this small child. I told my partner about the dream, in a positive way and that opened the door for a huge, long winded fight, because I was a little curt last they came over wanting him and they said something to him and now, apparently, they want to leave (the inference here is, because of me) . Anyway it was horrible. I'm so stressed I've stopped eating and I plan to not eat, ongoingly, for, maybe a couple of weeks.
This is terrible for my shaky self esteem. I said to him, maybe you could have told them "You know how ____(my name) has PTSD? Well she also has Aspergers. It makes it challenging for her to be social, sometimes". But he didn't really explain anything to them, I think he's ashamed of me.

Update; I asked him if he was ashamed of me and he said no, he loves me and he hates that I'm feeling bad.

So yeah, it wasn't good and I've stressed right out and now my head feels heavy and painful and dull and my eyes are cried-out piss holes.

But we, eventually stopped fighting coz I couldn't bare it and I just hugged him and he stopped shouting at me. I wish we could just TALK and not get all emotional and triggered about this issue. But I don't like him telling me they are OUR friends, when both the mother/grandmother and daughter/mother have been.really awful to me in the past, and I don't seem to be able to just "let it go" like he tells me to.

Anyway, if she hadn't of taken advantage, and taxed us so heavily with wantung stuff constantly for month's on end, I wouldn't have gotten so stressed about it and ended up being curt and sounding "rude" is what he said to me. So I said I would try to be "courteous" and "cordial" but it feels fake, coz I don't feel "courteous" and "cordial" especially after he's shouted at me so much about them and now, I'm getting the blame for them wanting to move.
So I'm so stressed and ashamed and feeling backed in a corner that I'm going to not eat for a couple of weeks, if I can, and then do a keto/low carb diet for 8 weeks and at least I will lose weight and I don't have to feel miserable and low self esteem about my overweightness anymore. There is only so much a person can.bare and I've reached my limit.

Keto diets are said to help with brain injury caused by PTSD trauma, epilepsy, Autism and mood regulation. So let's hope getting into some serious long term Ketosis helps me feel better, lose weight and gain self esteem and self confidence.

 

[Freida]

But I don't like him telling me they are OUR friends, when both the mother/grandmother and daughter/mother have been.really awful to me in the past, and I don't seem to be able to just "let it go" like he tells me to.

This would be a huge issue for me too. Hubby has his friends, I have mine and then we have shared friends. But him seeing others treating me like crap and then says I have to be nice to them? ya... no. I can do cordial if I have to -- I think about them like customers at work. Not necessarily fake, just good customer service. But i would be really pissed if he sided with them instead of me just because he felt sorry for them.

 

[mumstheword]

This would be a huge issue for me too. Hubby has his friends, I have mine and then we have shared friends. But him seeing others treating me like crap and then says I have to be nice to them? ya... no. I can do cordial if I have to -- I think about them like customers at work. Not necessarily fake, just good customer service. But i would be really pissed if he sided with them instead of me just because he felt sorry for them.

Thanks @Freida. That helps. I will be cordial. I'm actually so relieved that they don't feel so comfortable popping over for all manner of things anytime of the day or night, anymore. I wasn't comfortable with them doing it.

I caught them in my front carport area, when I got out of hospital, they were looking for their cat, and I was very warm and cordial.

The mother/grandmother was warm but the daughter/mother was cool and avoidant. I think she feels a bit guilty for her over-the-top neediness and maybe she's overheard one or more of our fights about her, anyway,

I made a big effort, but she did not. She's not very social herself, neither of them are, that's why I can't understand the lack of consideration for me, all that time. There's no way they would have handled that level of interruption and visitation in their home.

I think it's coz my guy is so great and helpful and accommodating, but a bit loose with his boundaries.

His main argument is that he doesn't have many friends and they are some of the few friends he has.
It's lop sided though, because he doesn't expect anything from them, he helps them and they tax me.

I don't mind him being friends with them though, he's still talking to them over the fence.

In the end I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, it's just too emotive for both of us.

But thanks to you @Frieda, I feel I can be cordial in an impersonal, gracious manner, if it's not too often. After all, they live in the same building, just a wall away, and I have major trust issues with just about all humans.

Both of them have already destroyed mine, but if I can keep them at bay, or if they ever care enough about my feelings to come clean with me, over the way they've treated me, I might be able to be more open to them.

 

[Juso]

I think it's coz my guy is so great and helpful and accommodating, but a bit loose with his boundaries.

And a bit loose with your boundaries too, it seems? I don't know, I'd be mad at my partner if he would defend/spend time with people who so obviously hurt me. I understand your frustration and sadness very well. So sorry that you have to deal with this situation.