The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

I hope so to. Always remember that safety of you and family comes first, without compromise.

Just as likely, you may find that your community ends up having to open it's heart to people from surrounding areas.

Either way, there's a common humanity to everyone going through this epic bushfire season, and we're in it together.

Yep, we've already had people camping up here, in a bus, in our common yard (we have a tiny community of community housing residents that share a common yard/ kid's play area, car park and the show ground is the avacuees go-to. It's downgraded to a "watch and act" level at the moment, but, as the wind has picked up, we might see an upgrade to an emergency level. It looks close to my daughters house, over near mullumbimby, as well as, potentially, our communities at Tuntable falls and Terania creek.Extra Scary for the residents there. Especially as tomorrow is forecast to be so much worse, weather wise.

I want to donate, even though broke as, at the moment, to help out fire victims.

I'm having trouble functioning, somewhat, back to a milder version of my freeze, dissociate and be scattered mode, with high anxiety and inability to plan, act or organize thrown in.

We will be heading up to Brisbane Wednesday morning, to pick up my daughter and drop off my dad, but tomorrow is forecast to be the doozie for worsening fire conditions. It's the unknown, unpredictable nature of the thing that I'm finding really difficult to deal, but, I'm no more so than many, many other Aussies and family members and friends of us nth east Australians.
Like you say @Sideways, we are all in.this hairy, scary, weather-condition-with-rampant-fires thing together.

 

[mumstheword]

The smoke has cleared up alot, and even.though the fires is still deemed "out of control" it's not moving toward residental areas and is still at "watch and act", which means keep your eyes on updates, get prepared and be ready to evacuate if it gets upgraded to "emergency".

All my fam, that I've spoken to, are feeling less on edge, as it seems like we aren't in danger, other than, perhaps tomorrow, when it's forecast to be worst, in terms of heat, and wind, we might get spot fires from travelling embers.

I'm kinda exhausted from the low level "on edge"ness of it all, but it beats yesterday and the day before, when I had fullblown, and extremly painful, meltdowns after minor conflicts with my guy, but in which he got very angry and left for a time. My abandonment programming got severely activated and I cried and cried and felt terrible.

I realised, my guy is my absolute rock. He's my security, in the world. God/Yeshua/Jesus is my inner security, but my guy is my worldly security, without which I am pretty lost, scared and miserable. That's just how it is. I've grown very dependant on him, coz I don't have anyone else. I don't have [much] money, a job or family to ground me like he does, although my kid's are coming along and learning to be much more solid people, these days.

My folks let me down, I don't have "a tribe", he's my best friend, my bodyguard, my chauffeur, my "carer" and I'm his carer.
I feel so vulnerable without his tender love and care.
Yesterday, when he left, after, what I thought was a very minor disagreement, I got terrified that he was not going to come back (even though he had my daughter's car, because we are currently unregistered, and she lent us her car while she's in the USA). I was scared that we, my dad and teenage son, would be left to burn in the bushfires. Totally irrational, because, nothing he has even done indicates that he would do such a thing.

I get terrified that he's going to abandon me to, potentially, die, like everyone else has (namely, my mum, my dad, my ex, even my kids and, I guess, at least, one of my rapists?).

Two days in a row, that happened, that I had a massive, hysterical meltdown, after a minor arguement, but one in which my guy left, to cool down, coz he's been under a lot of pressure. We are unregistered, his mum just had an operation, that he tried to get to Canberra for, but he broke down, in his bosses work ute, and spent many, hard-earned dollars, getting the vehicle towed back up here, that he'd earned, while suffering cracked ribs (he's a removalist, only casual, though), my Aspie dad is staying here and my guy doesn't want to air our stresses around my dad.
I didn't know that yesterday though, I thought, maybe he's just like everybody else? Who leaves me to [almost] die?!!!! Trauma-brain cray cray.

 

[Freida]

:hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Picked up dawty from the Brizzy airport. Dropped my Dad off to catch a plane back to Melbourne, coz too many out-of-control fires to get home his usual way, by train.

She loved, loved, LOVED nuu yark city.:-) especially central park :-). Said she's DEFINITELY going back and for longer.
She did some "trauma release" type stuff at her workshop/mini course thingy, breathwork and primal scream/angee release, which she got a lot out of.

 

[mumstheword]

So, I had my first session with my new T. I'm not sure what to make of it, or her yet, but she agreed to take me on. I don't have to pay, as it is funded by "victim services" which is a branch of gov.
She is english, new to the area, from Sydney, and admits she's more of an academic than a counsellor. I told her that I'm a little bit intellectual and my father is an academic. She admitted that she thinks I am too.
She does seem to listen properly, although she cuts me off and asks me questions, sometimes, she challenged me, which I don't mind, I think, not fully sure yet.

Most of my councellors have been, what I call "softy, wafty" doing the acceptance, approval kind of councelling, which I am a bit over, to be honesty, this woman is a sharp, intellectual, and a little scatty, like me and my Dad, probably due to being a more cerebral type person, perhaps. She has many, many degrees and a Ph D.

My Dad is currently doing a Ph D. Her's is around forensics, family law and family dysfunction and how her social service peers practice law and family support in the face of that stuff.
Kinda relevant to my family dynamics, I think. We shall see.
We aren't out of fire danger yet. There is some rain forecast for sunday, I hope we gets lots as we are in a drought, and on top of that, have an out-of-control bushfire not too far from here, and it spreads all the way over to close to my daughter's place as well.
The fire fighters are doing an.outstanding, heroic job of keeping houses and people safe.
The heartbreaking thing is that a lot of these fires have been found to be deliberately lit, and I'm not sure that it's a coincidence that a rabid, extreme left, feminist called for people to commit arson on national tv a day or two before most of these fires started.
Most of those who know me here know how I feel about 3 wave, feminism, in the West. I'm not a fan. Having been raised by abusive women, my mother, stepmother, and grandmother's, who demoralised my grandfather's and father, and my stepfather and myself, my brother and sister's I have no belief in some evil "patriarchy", not in my world, and yes I've read plenty of the literature, gone to uni and studied the rhetoric, bought into it for years, been abused and underminded for years in a very unequal, ephebophilic relationship, been raped plenty of times by male people, so I'm no protected, "privileged" female (other than I got to go and study this cultural marxism at university, now I have a debt for being propagandaized at). I just detest narcissistic ploys, dishonesty, hypocrisy, victim identity politics (based on over generalisations), politician types who are very selective of actual historical and cultural context, people who claim to represent me who actually don't and people who try to shut down alternative views and deny other's freedom of speech, that and those who advocate violence toward people based on some arbitrary characteristic, which is what those toxic feminists were doing on gov funded national TV.
I'm pretty livid about that. Thinking of writing to the appropriate minister to complain about the terrroristic, arson- encouraging, sexist, arsehole who the country paid to be hate-speeched at.

 

[Sideways]

those toxic feminists were doing on gov funded national TV.
I'm pretty livid about that

Is this a general statement or referencing the absolute sh!tshow that Q&A was when they had that panel of extreme feminists?

If it's the latter? You don't need to worry - the entire show is being investigated because of some of the outrageous, extremist views that were expressed.

 

[mumstheword]

Is this a general statement or referencing the absolute sh!tshow that Q&A was when they had that panel of extreme feminists?

If it's the latter? You don't need to worry - the entire show is being investigated because of some of the outrageous, extremist views that were expressed.

Yep, direct reference to the above mentioned q&a show @Sideways. Thanks, the arson encourager and the Egyptian lady I found particularly noxious. I wish the Egypian feminist would address her genetic homeland, where they actual have "rape culture" problems, rather than project onto the West where most men are decent and would happily protect vulnerable women from actual rapists, not including corrupt individuals in positions of power who are a problem in every culture and political and judicial system.

 

[mumstheword]

I felt like a stooopid buthead dumbum poohead tonight. It's my oldest son's bday, I texted him, bought him a present, but do you think I could walk or get across my very small village to give him his prezzie and a birthday hug???? Noooooo, that would be someone less traumatized by the father of one's own children. Someone who isn't Aspie and cptsdy and who has a normal type of family.
I saw my big daughter and second born Autistic son though, my dawty said my oldest son had a good day. That's good because he wasn't well for a long time and was a bit psychotic the other day. In fact the other day he was in a pretty bad way and told me something that was very hard to hear, about something he did, that I can't even speak of yet, that he went to the police to confess to.
I handled it well. I got him to the hospital. He saw a nice dr.
It was a moral injury that he was suffering from.
It hurts me to think about it.
But today he had a good 29th birthday. Even though I wasn't part of it.

 

[mumstheword]

Feeling crupy (said with a scottish accent)
I hope tomorrow brings me peace of mind.
I'm ok though. I'm ok.

 

[mumstheword]

Yup, feeling a bit better today.
Did I mention my 21yr old son has a boyfriend now? He's also in counseling for his dysphoria. He is pretty happy these days.

His boyfriend is a lovely, lovely boy. He even mother's me, he's such a nurturer. He gets on well with my Aspie Dad too, as my dad's special interest's are history, Russia and languages and this kid (he's 19) wants to.learn Russian and become a historian too. He's also a very intelligent Aspie guy.

So that's good.
My youngest daughter is still with her boyfriend too and they are still happy together. I am happy with my special guy. I love him so much.
He's been through so much, still dealing with abusive crap towards his son's from their chronically unwell and borderline, untreated mother.
They are amazing men, all three of them. Having a good man for a father really, really shows.
My kid's don't have that. It makes me very sad. All the stuff in the news abput Jeffrey Epstein reminds me of what my ex put me through. They are both ephebophiles. Not pedophiles, because they like having sex with actual children, not hebophiles because that is children just beginning puberty, ephobophiles are people who want sex or have sex with teens, who have developed bodies, but are still children in their minds. That was what I was. In fact, I was already a very broken, terrified but zombied, raped, homeless, discarded, cptsdy young teenager when we started using me for sex and, status, I guess. He used to say gleefully "you're only as young as the one you're looking at" or something like that. I had value because I was a young teenager, not for myself though.

He frightened me and left me in terrible states with no care, no care at all, he manipulated me in so many ways, he demoralized and drugged me, he stopped me from learning to drive. He enslaved me, sexually, mentally, physically. He kept me homeless for years, kept me isolated.

I suffered from, I guess, the accurate term is "selective mutism", so I was selectively non verbal, for the most part when he first started having sex with me. That is common with autistic people. It's not really "selective" though, it just means that we can talk but not much and only occasionally.

People asked him who I was, and for three months of having sex with me, he didn't even bother knowing my name. He told me.

He just said "I don't know, but she's cool". I wasn't "cool" I was really young, I was autistic and I was super traumatized and demoralized. I was all alone in the world, I had been very badly treated, and I was always either permanently terrified or utterly numb and dissociated.

He kept me prisoner for 21 years because he made me pregnant 7 times and then threatened to keep my children from me. He said "If you leave, you will never see your children. You are crazy, you will never get your children".

 

[mumstheword]

So, what messes me up is knowing and having experienced such long term cruelty. Mine wasn't blatant physical torture like some peoples, it was slow cook narcissism. It was insanity inducing, leave you in utter pain, untreated for any condition negligence, but then drugging you to keep you docile, never to feel human wholistic slowly, slowly kill you cruelty.

It was "well he doesn't hit me, so it's not abuse" denial inducing gaslighting. It was keep me up at night, everynight, chronically overexhausted, tell me the chronic pain (physical pain) isn't real and that I'm just a hypochondriac, constant narcy abuse crazy making.

No, he didn't need to hit me, and he was clever enough to not step over that line, he kept me sick and gaslit enough to just explain.that he was doing me a favour by keeping me out of the psych hospital. He kept me drugged and unslept and starving and malnourished enough so that I did actually become psychotic. And then, when I was deeply in psychosis, he would have sex with me and make me pregnant again.

Having my children kept me alive, but his neglect of me and the added workload and responsibility of so many kid's was constantly terrifying and exhausting and meant my needs, whether psychological, physical, developmental, emotional, health, rest, never got met.

I was never excited to tell him I was pregnant again, but inside, I felt validated by my body's amazing ability to produce people and the sorely needed oxytocin produced was a boon for my chronically deprived hormonal system. It's been discovered that one of the key physiological markers of Aspergers/Autism 1 is a compromised ability of the body to produce oxytocin.). I think I was a bit addicted to the hormonal boon that pregnancy and birthing and breastfeeding provides. Im not proud of that, but I'm such an Aspie, I didn't know how to do something differently, and I love, love LOVE all my children, SO MUCH.

He eventually used my fertility to validate himself "I don't shoot blanks" and I think, he sees our kids as an.extension of himself and a superannuation fund for his old age. He's said "You have to be nice to your kid's because they choose your nursing home". But he isn't capable of "nice".

He's a narcy criminal.

I am still mentally tortured by his contact and influence over them, especially the two unwell young men.

I know, technically, by "society's" standards, it was wrong of me to have children, but they are the best thing I ever did. Their wellbeing is my life's purpose and it always has been. I have an IQ of 145, and I'm goodlooking enough to have produced beautiful looking children, who have kind and caring hearts,(some, most have) highly intelligent minds and a deeply thoughtful outlook, despite their and my difficulties.

I wish my self esteem could let me feel like a valid human, and not an illigitimate human.

Why am I encouraged to feel like being a mum is something I did wrong? That I am not enough of a valid person to bring more humans into the world?

Sorry, I think this is coming up in response to how the new T questioned me about wanting another child while having unwell grown children, as if I am totally irresponsible for contemplating bringing more life into the world. As if "people like me already made enough life- producing mistakes".
I find secularists, whether lefty or blatant capitalists, to be the most misanthropic, misandryous, ideological folk of the modern day. Most (humanities and social "scientists") academics (in my experience) are leftys, are elitists and look down on Christian-type people.

I mentioned that I am "a woman of faith" which she wanted to know more about, but I could talk about trauma much more easily than my faith as it has far more social acceptance, here (in Australia/the nrth east coast of nsw), to mention rape and abuse than it is to be a believer in Christ and the validity of Biblical-gleaned Knowledge.

I won't be sharing this, most precious and tenderly revered part of myself to anyone else who is dismissive, condescending, sneering, diminishing or who who jumps to distorted conclusions about what I mean, by my religious convictions.

 

[mumstheword]

Not doing too great today. Not very functional. I managed to make some food for my sweetheart and I. That's it. It's 2.00 in the afternoon and the wind is waaaayyyy tooo whipped up for comfort. The fire in the hills not-too-far-from-here is still out of control. It's nearly 5000 hectares now.
I haven't texted my birthday boy after not managing to go down and give him his present and a birthday hug.
It's doing me in a bit.
I feel like a fake, lame, shit person and shit mum.
I'm undone thinking about my ex and my mum again. Her disgust for me was palpable last sunday.
His complete contempt for me is still.hard to stomach.
The new T is scaring me shitless.
My son's confession is a doozie, like a real, life tearing apart, tear me up and devastate me and I won't tell anyone, I did mention it to the T, vaguely, but I haven't told my guy and I tell him EVERYTHING. I don't want people looking at my suffering son in the way people would look at people who have done that sort of thing. He went to the police and confessed, so he's repentant. He knows it was wrong. Very wrong.
I have compassion for my kid, but at the same time, I feel devasted about what he did.
Damn, no wonder he's been so ill for so long. He's not a bad person, not a monster, he just got abused very young, I did a bad job, I think, because I should have taught him.That was wrong. But his dad did that kind of thing to me, but I wasn't that young and I went along with it for 20 years so I'm complicit. It makes me ill that I, my existence and my offspring has perpetuated that most shameful of things and I was a victim, my children have been victims and someone else's child was too. Someone else I didn't protect.
Bit pathetic. Big time. Shameful. Very shameful.