The Journey Of A Thousand Miles . . . My First Step

[TakeTheBaggage]

I am in my forties and suffered from PTSD from my childhood in silence. When I was in my mid-20s, a super man asked me to marry him. Instead of joining in the excitement of planning my wedding, I completely disassociated from it. I think my brain was in too much trauma to accept happiness. I really don't know. My fiancé wanted to go to therapy, which I refused. I wasn't ready yet. We broke up. He tried to reconcile, but I refused. He is married today, probably very happy. Eventually, when my biological clock was ticking, I married someone else and had a child. It was at this point that I started to talk about my childhood experiences and the effects it had on my life, to my husband. Eventually, the marriage fell apart. While my ex husband possesses some very good qualities, he was unable to match my expectations. I guess my ex fiancé put the bar rather high. At the end, the marriage became physically abusive. I had to get a protection from abuse order, which he violated, hit me, and was put in jail. All of that is water under the bridge for me. But, what lingers is that he shared all my PTSD experiences with people, to 'get back at me' for leaving him and putting him in jail. So, instead of getting over my PTSD, it is worse . . . Today, I am with a man who cares for me like no one before him. I have never known love so pure and true. It makes me cry to know that someone thinks I'm so worthy. His is more than I could ever hoped to find. But, the PTSD has put me back to where I was with my ex fiancé, and I don't know why. I can't stay stable in a job. Any stress is magnified a thousand times. I'm always in flight mode.

Has anyone worked through PTSD sabotaging you?

Also, how do I get closure on my past? For years, I thought that time would solve the matter . . . .that karma would deal with the people who hurt me. But, instead, I see those people rising higher in society, while I continue to struggle with PTSD.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you in therapy?

 

[tillybee]

Hello & welcome! I'm new here too! I'm just at diagnosis so I can't begin to match your experience or answer your question. However, I wanted you to know that I took the time to read your post. There are a vast range of people on this forum that will be able to advise you and also those that offer support like me - nice to have met you!

 

[TakeTheBaggage]

I went to one therapy session. The PTSD was too much to handle. I was working as a Business Office Manager and felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't stand being by myself in that big office but couldn't stand to be around other people either. I felt a lot better after the therapy session and didn't follow up. The therapist said that the only way I could tell every person that hurt me the pain they caused it by tracking each one down and confronting them individually. She said they would think I'm insane. She said that a lot of people who achieve happiness with horrible childhoods seek therapy.

But, when she asked for the name of my alma mater, I couldn't say it. It's was as though I was so terrified of the people from my past that merely mentioning their names or the name of the school would bring all their awful wrath back down on me. I avoid places, situations, and live with terrified thoughts.

A couple of months ago, I drove by my childhood home. I did the same thing about two years ago. Before that, I hadn't been down that way in fifteen years. I keep thinking that I will find closure there. But, I don't. I think the last time I was down that way, I saw one of the people from my past. I think she was giving me a death glare. If so, I wished she would have approached me, so I could have gotten closure. But, I am probably still too traumatized to be approached. I'd go into fight or flight mode. Today, it's probably fight, and I'd start throwing punches. But, I don't know for sure.

The people don't look the same anymore.

I have made appointments with therapists only to cancel them because, at the time of the appointment, I was coping. I want to be able to cope every day.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Make the appointment and don't cancel.

 

[Bedbug]

Has anyone worked through PTSD sabotaging you?

I think we're all trying to work through that. Some are further along on the journey than others, and we all take different paths. I can't offer much advice as I am just starting out too, but I have been helped enormously by knowing that I am not alone. Welcome to the forum, @TakeTheBaggage, I am sure you will find support and companionship here.

 

[desiderata310]

I'm with solara, make the appointment and keep it.