" The Laundry Must Be Folded This Way", " The Floor Must Be Mopped That Way"

[scout86]

And, now that I know that I may tend to do that sort of thing, I'm trying to make better choices (or see my mistakes a lot faster!) LOL

 

[The Albatross]

Someone somewhere used to say, "and how glad am I that I know that about myself today?" Or something. Yeah. I am glad that I know that about myself.

 

[Abstract]

IMT,
I think this is probably an emotive topic for a lot of people as similar behaviour often forms part of severely abusive relationships and I think there are a lot of us answering who have experienced these.

I understand and hear you that your husband is not like that. That he is quiet and not what you can associate with the terms many people have used here.

I hope you don't throw the baby out with the dishwater though.

I challenge you to truly hear what people have said about compulsions. That stressing about them and accommodating them makes the person suffer more.

I also challenge you to hear what people are saying about you needing to set boundaries. That regardless of what you want to call it doing what you are doing is harmful for both of you.

Lastly I hope you take some action here on a wider level. Speak to him and suggest he speak about this to his therapist.

If you only want to look at this from his perspective then think of the exhaustion and awfulness of having to try to control everything around you. This is something that needs to be addressed no matter how you look at it or what it is.

 

[Hashi]

@I'll make tea, I can understand your conclusions.

I'm not sure how and why this thread became so overwhelmingly about supposed abuse and - for some reason I can't fathom - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Where did that come from? Not everyone with challenging behaviour is a narcissist, and what has been said here seems to me to barely touch even an internet list of symptoms.

A tendency to abusive behaviour is, I think, always gong to be a possibility with stuff like this. I don't think what was said merited the extent of responses regarding that.

For what it's worth, I've responded to a different thread by I'll Make Tea where she talked about getting angry with her husband and trying to control his behaviour. From what little I know from posts here, I can understand I'll Make Tea not relating her husband and her relationship to the course this thread has taken.

As someone with compulsive tendencies I think this has been a lost opportunity for more understanding around that - which was, after all, what the thread was originally about.

Just my tuppence worth.

 

[waitingforhim]

I agree with Hashi...this thread has evolved from a woman simply trying to understand how her husband was feeling to her being abused? People should be extremely careful not to jump to conclusions and specifically, not try to diagnose. Many people who suffer with PTSD have a need for a sense of order or control in their lives. And, many supporters are here specifically to try to understand (not excuse) the behavior of the one they love. I commend you, IMT, for trying to do just that.

 

[Philippa]

It kinda sounds like you are putting his needs and your own need to be needed by him ahead of your own well-being here. Bloomin' winter expanded on that to speak about co-dependency, and that is what I see as well here.

I'm not going to speculate about whether or not he is being abusive, but his behaviour screams of control issues. If he needs to control everything you do, then it is a sign that he feels so out of control within himself, and that is the only way he can derive some semblance of feeling in control again. It is very hard to live with. People like this are a giant pain in the Ass! I've lived with people like this before, and it was not fun.

I hear that you don't think he is being abusive, and frankly, asking a group of people who have been abused severely in their lives is going to get you comments pertaining to abuse being present, because abused people tend to see abuse everywhere, because their perceptions have been so skewed...due to abuse.

Having said that, I also know that constantly picking on every little thing you do wrong, or not to his standards in a relationship can really wear down your own confidence.

So, I guess the questions you may want to ask yourself are:

Are you willing to put your own sense of self-esteem and confidence second to his need for support with his issues? Is that what your idea of a "good little wife" is?

Aren't you just as important as he is? Is he going to support you once your confidence has eroded to nothing? Will you be able to support yourself and him once that happens, and it will if this keeps up...it's only a matter of time.

He can be the nicest guy in the world and still be eroding your confidence in yourself subtly, even if it is unintentionally.

 

[Samantha_38]

Just reading the way you titled it. "The Laundry Must Be Folded This way..." I definitely have that issue. I don't know if its because I have PTSD or not, but I can't stand letting my fiance' fold laundry, and yes there have been times I have refolded it. I'm not at all "belittling" towards him though. I just do it. We usually don't really argue about it, but he has told me I'm crazy for taking the time to redo it. There are other things to. When I clean, I organize much more. When he cleans he just puts things in a spot that it seems to fit. There is no logic to the way he cleans, and that can drive me crazy. The way he loads the dishwasher can drive me insane too. Wow, the more I think about this, the longer the list is getting. Maybe we have this issue too. I hope if he was feeling that I was degrading him, then he would say something. I can typically "read" him pretty well though, and he's never seemed upset over this. I definitely have reasons why I like those things done the way I do though. Clothes fit better in the places I like to put them if folded the way I fold them. If there is a logic to the way things are put away, they are easier to find, and its quicker. There's also a spot for everything at it stays cleaner for longer. The dishwasher can fit more dishes the way I load it. Maybe the fact that I state my reasons why could be why it doesn't seem to bother him as much. Either that or he just likes having me do everything.

Hopefully you can communicate it with him and get it figured out. It may be he has no idea its upsetting you, and at the same time maybe he actually has a pretty "acceptable" reason why he likes those things done in certain ways.