It's of course extremely difficult to divine anothers motivations, regardless of the situation or how well you know them. So trying to do so without knowing him at all, hearing his tone, witnessing the body language, "attitude", or knowing what lead up to it...makes it fairly impossible.
But it is controlling and insensitive, in my opinion...whatever his motivation may happen to be/have been. And it is demeaning. I've encountered people who do exactly this sort of thing...but as with most behaviors...out of more than one motivation/intention. While it is an attempt to "put someone under their thumb", so to speak...it is as much an attempt to test them...is it someone who is willing to stand up for themselves, and not take their crap? Many times, I've found, that when you do exactly that...not only are they not negative, and do not "lash out" as a result...but give a kind of smile as though to say "allright, so you past the test...you're someone worthy of respect...I see that, and am now willing to be your friend, and give you the credit you're due". Oftentimes, I believe, people test others as a matter of determining who they'll be close to/friends with...as people don't generally consider someone they don't respect as friend/relationship material. Unfortunately, the same people who see the world in terms of such tests being justified, often see it in terms of being justified in mistreating/using those who don't pass the tests. It seems the rationale is "the world's a challenging place, where the weak get eaten--a dog eat dog world"...in other words, if you don't prove you're not willing to be "eaten"...it's your own fault when they eat you.
Unfortunately, people with a history of trauma often see conflict as something to be avoided at all costs...after all, we have an outsized reaction to stress, due to changed neurophysiology, we are "adrenalized"...sensitive. So it's no surprise, therefore.
But the rest of the world sees conflict as natural, and just "part of a normal day", from their perspectives, generally, it seems.
...And in a way, it is. You can't get far if you're not willing to engage conflict. Conflict is as natural as friction...it's everywhere all the time, from the minutiae, to the major versions.
The way I've come to look at things like these are as "opportunities for growth"---I don't want to be the kind of person who avoids conflict, and so, is beaten by it, before I even engage it. So in order to do that, I have to be presented with it, for a chance to practice. Right? That's how we get better at things. So having the opportunity to practice on someone who (hopefully) isn't going to fire you or hit you, is actually a safer situation in which to do so (of course, if he's physically abusive, that's another thing entirely, and I hope you'll just get out asap).
So when it comes up, I "label" it...recognize it as "opportunity to practice"...and engage it...and don't care how badly I do. Just give it my best. Maybe I end up shaking and stuttering. Getting laughter and ridicule. So who cares? I still won....I engaged it rather than running from it. So next time, I'll have a little more practice, and do a little better. That's how getting good at something works.
The real loss, I've found, though...is accepting the feeling of shame and diminishment of doing nothing whatsoever, and just taking it.
Every time I do that, I feel as though I must deserve it. And that makes sense, when I think about it...in a way...I've "earned" that kind of treatment...simply by virtue of verifying that I deserve it...because I didn't prove that I don't think that I do deserve it, by refusing to accept it. So I've kind of verified that it was legitimate, in a way. And so it gets even harder when it comes up, the next time. It's as though I've set a precedent, myself--and I think...well, I must deserve it...I seemed to last time...I guess I do now, as well.
And each time, I slide further down the ladder...until saying something effectively becomes well-nigh impossible.
I've gone through such "periods", and climbed out again, often enough to know that that's how to do it (at least for me)...when I'd have to spend any time with my parents, for example--more than a few days---when I was younger---I'd develop a stutter. Until I began to "detach" from it...by just seeing it as an opportunity to practice...it affected me too much to engage it.
Hope that helps, in some way.
