Thank you for this conversation. It feels amazing to literally see someone else write my thoughts and beliefs like you all have here.
ThinkingMan, you said your subconscious mind is always wanting to seek revenge. I understand that all too well. That feeling still comes back to me from time-to-time. In the last 5 years it has quieted down enough for me to recognize the source of that feeling, the belief that generates the feeling. While I understand the primitive functions that help perpetuate the cycle, it is the beliefs that were formed in the fire of the trauma that keep it from going away entirely.
Something else Thinkingman said reminded me of myself, “If I move on and forgive, it seems immoral... like a nerd once being picked on and he didn't do anything about it like a wuss.” I haven’t accepted what happened as OK, because in no way was the trauma I experienced OK. But the really hard part is knowing I didn’t do anything about it (like a wuss). It is quite normal to fear many things and know you can take action to prevent or stop them. But real trauma exists when we feel we are or were helpless to prevent it and could not stop it or make it right again. Our instincts say fight or flight and when we can’t do either we suffer.
If so many of us are dealing with the same issue, there has got to be a way to resolve what is happening to us and restore a healthy mental and emotional life. I want more than just coping strategies, I want to perform normal daily functions without past trauma invading my conscious mind. But how do I silence the past once and for all?
My first therapist went so far as to say, "Are you OK with the idea that this will never go away?" The more I obsessed about getting rid of the problem, the worse it became. So perhaps she was right, I need to be Ok with the idea it won’t go away. But does that mean those unhealthy patterns can’t change or fade away?
I believe it CAN change, because I am not the same person I was 3-5 years ago, it has changed. When things get bad now I recognize the enormous changes and improvements I have made. Believing that I am moving towards a better life (a life I truly desire) does more to improve my mental and emotional state than anything else. I can handle almost any pain, if I can see that things are improving (even if it is just a little at a time).
ThinkingMan, you said your subconscious mind is always wanting to seek revenge. I understand that all too well. That feeling still comes back to me from time-to-time. In the last 5 years it has quieted down enough for me to recognize the source of that feeling, the belief that generates the feeling. While I understand the primitive functions that help perpetuate the cycle, it is the beliefs that were formed in the fire of the trauma that keep it from going away entirely.
Something else Thinkingman said reminded me of myself, “If I move on and forgive, it seems immoral... like a nerd once being picked on and he didn't do anything about it like a wuss.” I haven’t accepted what happened as OK, because in no way was the trauma I experienced OK. But the really hard part is knowing I didn’t do anything about it (like a wuss). It is quite normal to fear many things and know you can take action to prevent or stop them. But real trauma exists when we feel we are or were helpless to prevent it and could not stop it or make it right again. Our instincts say fight or flight and when we can’t do either we suffer.
If so many of us are dealing with the same issue, there has got to be a way to resolve what is happening to us and restore a healthy mental and emotional life. I want more than just coping strategies, I want to perform normal daily functions without past trauma invading my conscious mind. But how do I silence the past once and for all?
My first therapist went so far as to say, "Are you OK with the idea that this will never go away?" The more I obsessed about getting rid of the problem, the worse it became. So perhaps she was right, I need to be Ok with the idea it won’t go away. But does that mean those unhealthy patterns can’t change or fade away?
I believe it CAN change, because I am not the same person I was 3-5 years ago, it has changed. When things get bad now I recognize the enormous changes and improvements I have made. Believing that I am moving towards a better life (a life I truly desire) does more to improve my mental and emotional state than anything else. I can handle almost any pain, if I can see that things are improving (even if it is just a little at a time).
