The Mood Thread

[rmf3175]

The Mood Thread

Complete darkness or a glimmer of light, how are u right now.



I'm physically, mentally wiped out, and think maybe I can get some sleep. The usual psycho dreams are a given, but I think i'm gonna pop some ambien, and tizanidine and hope for the best. I'm unusually optimistic about it.

I know it sounds corny, but I get excited about the possibility of getting some rest.

We shall see.

 

[anthony]

I am wiped out physically right now, because I had a full day cutting and laying pavers today... hence why I am wiped right now. Another two days to get the job finished...

Apart from being physically drained, I am mentally ok at the moment.

 

[rmf3175]

Had a pos. day for the most part today, but am drained all the way to feeling as giddy as a school girl. Been crunching paperwork (past employment verifications) to get approved for IU through the VA. Am at 70% combat related (Serv. Conn.) ptsd through them, and on ssd. Going tomorrow to get more done.....hopefully.

Bettter food might help. Blood pressure is up, and I need to go into hardcore anxiety management mode to head it off at the pass, as I can feel it creeping up on me.

 

[rmf3175]

Heavily medicated.........cannot turn my brain off. Time for the greens.Then I'll go bye bye for a few hours hopefully.

 

[anthony]

That is something I no longer miss.... medication. Thought I was doing ok with them, until I tried offing myself and got off them, went through withdrawals and well... life again with feelings.

 

[rmf3175]

Doing alright today mentally. Rather scattterbrained though. Stomach is really messed up. Need rest which I just cannot get as usual. Life goes on either way.

 

[rmf3175]

I know it's been a few days since posting, and I appologize for that, but I've been experiencing what I know to be reality.

It's not good.

There are alot of really messed up people out there that have no connection to the millitary. I look at myself and others, and am quite perplexed as to how far the inabilaty of civilians to understand the extremety of civil unrest can be. Some, as I experienced tonight, are living in a world were things can't go wrong. My take is this.......things can go wrong, and those who will survive will be those who prepare. I believe that civil unrest for America is just right around the corner, and is inevitable given current geopolitical data. It's always hanging by a thread IMHO.

I really dig deep as to the current comparisons to what I experienced in Somalia, and what the city I live in now can come to given extreme measures. It's not that all unsimilar given the human nature, and instinct to survive. People really are blind as to the reality of what could be. Am I being too proactive as to what could be? Is this the "look at every angle, and cover every Possible avenue mentality?" If it is.....than that's fine by me.......this means I have the ablity to survive, and if that's what it takes...........then so be it. I'll still be standing when it's all said, and done because I don't lose. I can't lose...it's not an option.

The sick part is I fantasize about this coming true again. I want it to happen. I wait in great anticipation, and I also I pray that God forgives me when it comes time to be accountable.

 

[rmf3175]

Doin better today. Still mean what I said in my last post though. I have good news from the VA. I pretty much have nailed the IU coffin down. Here is an recent entry adding to a c&p exam I had 5 months ago.......

*After reviewing Dr. F's exam, it is my opinion that the Veteran would have difficulty doing simple work tasks in a loosely supervised environment. Anxiety, and depression were impacting many areas of his functioning. He would have difficulty performing work tasks in a sustained manner, and anxiety / depression would also likely interfere with interpersonal relationships.*

This was an addendum that was entered into my record 10 days after my packet with a VCAA letter asking to get info from past employers. Just had a c&p yesterday for other orthopedic, so I'm willing to bet this was the answer to regional from C&P dept at the VAMC, otherwise thay would have done another C&P for ptsd then. Sounds like they are going to make it pretty clear cut.

Not always been this easy though. I fought through the maze of headgames, and finally threatened to sue a C&P shrink if she provided info in my c&p that contradicted my med records. (happened the first time 2 years ago from the original, but they were willing to give me service connected with a low ball rating) The VA turned into my new enemy, and that's what it takes to get it done IMHO.

 

[rmf3175]

Tryed a new med. Mirtazapine (Remeron). Been sick as a dog. Thinkin' I should just stick to greens, and whiskey. At least a hangover is predictable.

 

[Jimmy1]

Well moods I suppose for us that other people don't understand. I wake every morning at first light, call it conditioning.

Medication has no effect. I have tried Stilnox, Valium, and Immovane. All they do is get me off to sleep, but do not keep me asleep.

I also tried to be a pharmacist myself and believed alcohol and that leafy green substance were a great substitute for chemical prescribed medication. derrrr.

I now don't drink or use other self medication and am experiencing trying to find a medication that will ease my depression and moods. The problem I have is the people that do not understand the disorder at all and get in my face. It takes so much self control as I have a very very short fuse not to knock their heads off or worse.

My children keep me going though as they do not deserve to see my anger outbursts.

Probably just waffling, but today I am having an indifferent day.
;)

 

[Jimmy1]

Really, really, Angry

Well today I am having one of the shittiest days I have had in a long time.
I am over the wankers pushing their way through the Christmas crowd, I try to stay away from there, but being a single dad you have to shop sometimes.

I am also in the middle of changing from Zoloft to Lexapro, which does not help, as well as waiting for a blood test for dengue, ross river fever, or one of the others as they picked up a viral infection in my blood.

I can't sleep at the moment well not for long and everything is pissing me off, even just my kids tapping or making noises as they do. Call it agitated.

And this morning, I pitty anyone who confronts me as I am in the mood for some dancing (If you get my meaning).

 

[anthony]

Hey mate... I get the single dad thing. Did it for a while myself, and it is tough at the best of times, let alone with PTSD. The best thing though... is kids are innocent. This is why kids are often the best thing for us with PTSD, because if you keep that in the back of your mind, regardless how much they piss us off... we come to the same conclusion, that they are innocent and we are there to protect them, to help them learn and grow. Sounds to me like your actually doing ok as a single dad... as frustration is perfectly normal. If you weren't frustrated at times, I would be worried.

Mate, I will send you my home number if you just want to chat. I will be in Brisbane actually mid Jan, going up for the weekend to see the family, as they all live around the Caboolture area. Looking forward to a bit of Qld time again... even if it is just a couple of days... Melbourne weather can be a little disturbing day to day.