The Need For Comfort

[honeypie058]

I understand that I am supposed to help myself get through symptoms like a champ. I can't expect others to hold my hand when I'm in a bad spot. I wanted to know if anyone wishes to have someone to comfort you while processing traumatic experiences?

I know that one of my biggest wishes is that I had someone to comfort me while going through my trauma. I thought I needed to handle everything by myself and not involve others in my mess. Now I wish I had that comfort while I'm dealing with memories and symptom overload.

My trauma memories are extremely painful and I fall back on the old coping by checking out of body then sitting in a depressive state for days. I can't expect therapists to do that for me as they are only there to help move through it. My husband is incapable of providing that for me because he's part of the problem. The rest of my family do not want to be involved.

I'm tired of feeling alone when memories and symptoms pop up in the middle of the night or when I'm distracted with my children. Sorry for the ranting and the list of excuses. I guess I'm in a self pity mode which is not my best quality. Thank you for reading.

 

[hodge]

Welcome, honeypie. I've been where you are. It's a bad place to be in, but you can get out of there with therapy. Not all at once, but gradually. I don't want to encourage you to set your expectations too high for very soon. This does take time and effort. But I think we on the forum can help you through this horribly difficult time, as many of us have been through it. Take care.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wanted to know if anyone wishes to have someone to comfort you while processing traumatic experiences?

Hell yes! Actually right now Im very very hurt by something said meant to put a smile on someone's face in a hard moment but wasnt taken that way and would love for someone just to hold me at the moment.

I wake up at night and would love to be comforted. Its a very human need and its completely normal.

 

[sun seeker]

I can't expect others to hold my hand when I'm in a bad spot.

Why not?

"Expect" might be a problem, because those others may have other things going on and not always be able to be there. But to need others is human. To reach out for help when we need it is good, and normal, and right. I think it's so sad and misguided how we've set up our society so we think it's weak to need other people, when needing other people is part of being human. A big part.

Do you ever hold other people's hands when they are in a bad spot? Do you feel judgemental or taken advantage of? Or do you rather feel glad that they were able to ask and that you were able to help? Could it be that others feel the same?

The difference is with PTSD, most people don't know how to be there for us, and we end up being the ones blamed. That's not our fault, that's just the ignorance of the general public.

Now I wish I had that comfort while I'm dealing with memories and symptom overload.

That's normal and just fine to wish for, and that is a big part of what you do in trauma therapy. I'm not quite sure I get the difference between this and what you feel they can't help you with. Is it the intensity of the symptoms when you are at home (not in therapy)? It does happen like that; unfortunately when at our most symptomatic it's hard to contain the symptoms to the time we spend in therapy. Some have supporters at home and others of us don't. That's what this forum is good for. It's not the same, but it's supportive nonetheless.

 

[GWhizz]

Welcome. I think it's a good sign that you're actually beginning to realise the need for support. I'm at the point where I still want to do it alone. I hate if my partner tries to comfort me during a flashback or wants to try talking about things. My T uses an attachment model with multiple aspects, 2 of which are caregiving and careseeking. I still struggle with careseeking even in therapy. Have you a friend you can reach out to or could you even consider a group therapy setting? Remember we're always here whenever you need support.

 

[EveHarrington]

Yes, modern society teaches us that needing other people is undesirable, it makes you weak, etc.

This is only the experience of the last .000001% of "human" existence. We evolved depending on each other. (Our survival depended on it!)

No judgment though-----I constantly beat myself up for not being able to do everything on my own.

 

[mamachick]

I think that it would be nice and comforting and productive to have that support when processing trauma. I dont like to use the word "should" but it doesnt seem too much to expect. We do need to ask for comfort. I think non ptsd people have a much lesser response than ptsd people when we ask and are denied. I asked for comfort from my husband 25 yrs ago when processing ACOA stuff and husband denied-he just couldnt handle it. I think he lacks the ability to empathize. I asked in everyday life but was shut down before ptsd. He did hug me once when he discovered that my nephew was shot to death. It seemed genuine and without asking or resistance. I yearn that comfort at times but would never ask anyone. That might be why I am so unconsciously resistant to process it though I want to. Now I could not stand his attempt at comfort, I would never want him to hold me and would never feel safe with him. When I even mention my feelings or thoughts he yells at me and I return to stuffing them. I am too old to be seeking people who safely comfort, but if you are not, I sure hope you find it.

 

[honeypie058]

Thanks for all the kind and supportive responses. Taking care of my own needs and asking for it is a work in progress.

To answer sun seeker's question, the only support I have is from my therapist and it's only for 1 hour once a week. I have been told that it's unhealthy and I tend to agree a little bit. I just don't feel safe enough to ask my family for support. I guess I crave a little physical comfort, especially in the middle of the night when I'm at my worst.

I'm thinking about using the forum and gathering some courage to start an introduction. Thanks all for the encouragement.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Hell yes! Actually right now Im very very hurt by something said meant to put a smile on som...

Oh my gosh YES! I have 1 woman who chose to walk this journey with me. Not related at all. I do have to apply what I've learned as far as coping tools go for high anxiety, depression and sometimes going places and facing triggers - she can't be with me all the time - but sometimes I need someone to go with me and sometimes a simple hug. I also need someone to bounce ideas or questions off of even if she doesn't have the answers.

My husband is also part of the problem and doesn't even own up to it. My family aren't helpful for the most part either. Like has already been said. They don't know or understand PTSD at all and so don't know how to be involved. As a result, they choose not to be. It's a very painful experience. You seem able to relate.

All I can say is hang in there. You're a lot stronger than you thing/feel. Keep posting. Cyber hugs are not the same but still helpful and encouraging.

 

[mamachick]

I think that people do need people and it is not any sort of weakness. Without getting into "lifes purpose", if not about relating to others, then what is it all about. I think that lack of comfort, of support, of any understanding in the real world and my eventual isolation has led to my finding my own comfort, and unhealthy one, I sleep 16 hours per day. I hate waking up. When I awake and turn over and successfully sleep another hour or two or four, but eventually lie there awake and think, well I have to pee, its another day. Glancing at the clock as time passes and I go in and out of sleep for as long as I can. Nothing to look forward to in this life. I guess sleep is my comfort even though not a person.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There are comfort things you can do for yourself although it does not meet your need for physical contact and all I have is cyber hugs.

Learning what you really need and want is a very hard thing to learn about it was for me because I realized that I did not know what I needed or wanted.

So I have Pajama days when I do things for met that comfort me and soothe me, even sleeping with stuffies has been a huge comfort to me.

I sure hope that wherever you are in your process you will get more good physical comforting touch. I have a friend and we hug each other other when we see each other and then when we say goodbye and also say I love you.

She would do anything for me if I needed something and I for her but it sure took a hell of a long time in my life to find her.

Just keep on reaching out to safe others either here or those that you find along the way that are safe and good. :hug:

 

[mamachick]

I agree with gizmo about comfort things not being same as a human hug. My sister use to give me a big bear hug sometimes and even though we were 500 miles apart, I knew I could call her, and her me, anytime even if middle of the night. I know she never treated me like a burden, and I believe and hope she felt the same. She passed away June 2015. She could be a pain in the butt too, but the love was always there, even when we got mad at each other. I miss her so much.

I do not trust when men want to be comforting, there is always something else. Sorry in advance to any sincere men here. Just my experience