What could’ve brought you comfort with the trauma?

[Charbella]

First I had no idea where to put this so if it needs to be moved, have at it.

I was thinking about how so many people struggle with the care they didn’t receive when the trauma happened. Then I started wondering, What would that look like? I mean what kinds of words of comfort can anyone provide that helps a 10 year old CSA victim feel anything but terrible?

What do you say to a victim of rape that somehow could help them be whole again?

It’s kind of like what can anyone say to the war vet that could bring them comfort for the people they killed and the comrades they lost?

How do you bring comfort to someone who’s been through something so terrible? I honestly can’t think of anything. Like nothing would be significant enough to actually make any sort of difference.

Maybe it’s a symptom of the issue that I can think of nothing that would change how that memory is held.

Hopefully someone has something that can help me see it differently.

 

[Mabb]

Telling me I was right, and that I didn’t deserve that. Telling me that I wasn’t crazy, it really was a traumatic experience. Helping find a future solution. Part of the reason that some traumas become PTSD is that we are not helped or rescued or believed at the time. If someone does that for us albeit retrospectively, at least we know we are being heard now x

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Does anyone else struggle with people who try to provide comfort? Like, I hear it, I can tell the intent of the words, they just fall flat. I have zero emotional connection to it. Which only gives me more reason to over analyze the situation. What response are they looking for? What do they want me to say or do in response to their words? I end up staring blankly into space with no words…

Depends what they’re saying. If they’re trying to make me feel better, quite likely. If they’re trying to comfort me… maybe not. Big difference. In my mind.

Different feel in things which are to say “I want you to stop being sad” and “I want to support you while things are tough, (so maybe it isn’t so constant)”


Therapy can be comforting because someone is acknowledging the terribleness with me, without becoming uncomfortable with the horribleness of how it feels and what it is. There’s a sense of understanding, with my current T, which feels nice. Comforting because whatever it is, is being seen and given room on an emotional level, without the intensity of someone trying to bandaid it over because it’s uncomfortable and feels bad. I think.



I think in general, these conversations are hard with people you don’t know really closely. The thought is there but the (perceived) options are limited, to them. Especially if to me it’s something that’s always been there VS for them it’s big and shocking, so has to be met with something un-casual, which I’m not often up for.

It’s weird, the ratio of serious and emotionally calm that I’m comfortable with.



I guess this is a very longwinded way of saying that someone mainly listening is much more comforting, and I find actions mean more, and are often more comfortable, than words.

 

[Sideways]

The only thing I can come up with is “do you want to go for coffee?”.

I don’t need people to feel sorry for me (I don’t cope with that well), ask me about what I’ve been through, how I’m doing now (I’ll flat out lie to give the socially-appropriate response if need be), or even understand my experience (very unlikely they could, even if they had the facts).

But offering to just spend time with me, be a friend, even if I’m not an easy person to be around in that moment - I think that would help. At the very least, with the isolation.

Interestingly, I do outreach with the homeless, and that’s where we start. Exchanging names, then asking if they want a coffee or tea. The message is, “I’m here, I’m ready to listen”, but if all the person wants is a coffee, then we do that. Sit and have a coffee together. That alone is often a huge win.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

The only thing I can come up with is “do you want to go for coffee?”.

I don’t need people to feel sorry for me (I don’t cope with that well), ask me about what I’ve been through, how I’m doing now (I’ll flat out lie to give the socially-appropriate response if need be), or even understand my experience (very unlikely they could, even if they had the facts).

But offering to just spend time with me, be a friend, even if I’m not an easy person to be around in that moment - I think that would help. At the very least, with the isolation.

Interestingly, I do outreach with the homeless, and that’s where we start. Exchanging names, then asking if they want a coffee or tea. The message is, “I’m here, I’m ready to listen”, but if all the person wants is a coffee, then we do that. Sit and have a coffee together. That alone is often a huge win.

This.

“Do you want to go for a walk with me tomorrow?”
“If you need to buy groceries, I can come with you.”
“I need to go to town, if you want we can go together and get a treat before your therapy”

Some of the best stuff when I’m really deep in it, is thoughtful offers like the above. Doesn’t make it go away, but that’s not the point of comfort, anyway. It’s to make it easier, which is does.

 

[Charbella]

But offering to just spend time with me, be a friend, even if I’m not an easy person to be around in that moment - I think that would help. At the very least, with the isolation.

I could see this being helpful. I suck at letting people know anything has happened now. I guess I did then too though. Friends who sense common it try to do this and tend to get me strong tone NO or just ignoring phone calls and texts.

I’d like to say hearing this from you guys that I maybe should let people in but I also can’t see myself doing it.

 

[Sideways]

I’d like to say hearing this from you guys that I maybe should let people in but I also can’t see myself doing it.

Yeah, it takes practice. And start small.

Letting people know I’m in any way vulnerable, sharing any kind of personal information, or giving the impression I could use assistance or support of any kind is something I still need to do mindfully. It isn’t something I can just waltz into in full tra-lah-tra-lah mode.

If someone offers you time, socially, try and notice and practice saying yes. And when you have the time and are feeling not at your worst, practice asking - my suggestion is start small, with options that include easy quick exits (the easier the exit, the less likely you are to use it prematurely IME).

 

[pamcoco]

It was like people expected me to shake it off after a month when in reality the trauma took about a year to really hit after the assaults. I would’ve loved someone to just hang out with me, tell me and mean that they weren’t going anywhere. With just a quick internet search they would’ve become more informed about what to expect from me.
What really didn’t help was being considered maladaptive by people that had never experienced anything similar.

 

[Applecore]

First I had no idea where to put this so if it needs to be moved, have at it.

I was thinking about how so many people struggle with the care they didn’t receive when the trauma happened. Then I started wondering, What would that look like? I mean what kinds of words of comfort can anyone provide that helps a 10 year old CSA victim feel anything but terrible?

What do you say to a victim of rape that somehow could help them be whole again?

It’s kind of like what can anyone say to the war vet that could bring them comfort for the people they killed and the comrades they lost?

How do you bring comfort to someone who’s been through something so terrible? I honestly can’t think of anything. Like nothing would be significant enough to actually make any sort of difference.

Maybe it’s a symptom of the issue that I can think of nothing that would change how that memory is held.

Hopefully someone has something that can help me see it differently.

Hugs, taking them on walks in nature, encouraging them to enjoy other things in life that they get gratification and satisfaction from, showering them with love and believing in them. Not telling them fairy tails. Not manipulating them.

 

[Applecore]

What really didn’t help was being considered maladaptive by people that had never experienced anything similar.

In my experience, most people don't care, don't want to know, and can't handle it when we tell them our story and call us "toxic" for doing so. Last time I told a friend about the suicide in my family, he impulsively got up to leave. Thank goodness I didn't tell him about the copycat suicide, the rapes, child abuse, incest and cult membership. We have to learn to cope ourselves. Joking about it helps me: I mean, it could be worse - at least I'm not a celebrity!

 

[thursday]

It would have helped me when after I told my mother about the abuse, she didn't say; "are you talking about it again?"
That she listened to me, when I had the need. She brushed it off as something that happened in the past and why are you not able to get over it? Just that some one listens to you and not give advice. Give a child or adult the space to talk, the way they are able. Things are coming out in one episode. A blockbuster. Don't judge and say, oh that, how long ago is it now?

 

[thursday]

I could see this being helpful. I suck at letting people know anything has happened now. I guess I did then too though. Friends who sense common it try to do this and tend to get me strong tone NO or just ignoring phone calls and texts.

I don't even know how to describe the feeling, but with me it's something similar. I avoid people, who are concerned. They make me feels uncomfortable, they stand too far away from my reality. When I don't want to play happy go lucky and everything is going to be alright. It's 46 years ago. Things have been oke ish for periods, but than you have a crash landing again. That's what people don't understand. That you can have relatively good periods and (nearly) fall back to the beginning. And have to back to therapy. It's like Snake and Ladders.

 

[Applecore]

It would have helped me when after I told my mother about the abuse, she didn't say; "are you talking about it again?"
That she listened to me, when I had the need. She brushed it off as something that happened in the past and why are you not able to get over it? Just that some one listens to you and not give advice. Give a child or adult the space to talk, the way they are able. Things are coming out in one episode. A blockbuster. Don't judge and say, oh that, how long ago is it now?

The reply to that is "are you diminishing it again" or "are you feeling guilty about it again?" Sorry but sometimes parents need to be brought down a peg, and we need to get some distance from them. As much as we love them.