The Prison I Built

[bemental]

JarHed, so much good stuff in your post.

And Sarg, you give me hope! Like a savant of sorts. Comparing PTSD to cancer is probably the most succinct way of saying what took me paragraphs.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

I went through CPT at the American Lake VA. Good people there, and an effective program. My only prpblems with it was it was very structured. And, that's not all bad. But, it left me with lots more questions. The book that Spock recommended, Once A Warrior Always A Warrior, helped fill in many of the gaps. It's an excellent book.

But, I still have many triggers I haven't identified yet. They may come from periods of time during combat that I don't remember. Those times are a complete blank. I wasn't sure I wanted to explore them, and may not be able to see behind that door anyway. But, I trust the guy at the Vet's Center, and am willing to give it a try with his help.

The comparison to cancer is a good one Sarg. I have prostate cancer as a result of Agent Orange exposure. So, I definately get that.

Ya know, it's crazy but I still have a hard time admitting that post traumatic stress is such a big problem. After all this time I still find myself hearing. "Suck it up buttercup". Guess it's always gonna be tough to admit vulnerability.

Anyway, thanks my Brothers. Knew I could depend on you.

SD

 

[JarHed]

I think if you've had a long time since being deployed, you have a greater number of 'triggers' locked away with all those memories. I always find it interesting how we learn or teach ourselves how to block that stuff out. The more you explore these things through individual or group therapy, reading or in some other way the more doors we seem to open, for good or bad.

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

One more quick thought. CPT is one of the toughest processes I've ever been through. The fifth and sixth week are a son-of-a-bitch. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

 

[bemental]

The more you explore these things through individual or group therapy, reading or in some other way the more doors we seem to open, for good or bad.

Correctamundo JarHed, makes the discussions about seeing the VA or other docs for reevaluation and putting "your worst foot forward" even easier, especially with the extremely transitory nature of PTSD. Collection your thoughts n paper beforehand and not treating it like an interview are great pieces of advice from the forums as well.

One more quick thought. CPT is one of the toughest processes I've ever been through. The fifth and sixth week are a son-of-a-bitch. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

This is my second round of CPT, lucky me I'm going into the 5th session on Friday. While it is a structured program, each counselor has their own flair.

For my first round I didn't even know I was doing CPT, the women was so familiar with the structure that she made it seem effortless, even added and removed from the program as she saw fit for treatment.

For my current round the guy is literally reading straight from his course materials. Detracts a bit from the interpersonal relations we have but I'm still getting a fair amount from it.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

One more quick thought. CPT is one of the toughest processes I've ever been through. The fifth and sixth week are a son-of-a-bitch. But, ya gotta do what ya gotta do.

Hey SD, are you talking about the American Lake VA in Tacoma? If so, I did an Drug and Alcohol inpatient thing there in 82.
When I was there they had a 9 hole golf course, that was fun (I had never played golf) Also there was a school for the blind at that time. I did like the lake, I would spend a lot of my free time there....

My counselor wanted me to do the CPT, he said it would be hard. Anyway I did not do it, I did start it, but when he said I had to write everything by hand, I ask why? He says because it's part of the program, you can't use use a computer you have to hand write it. I said BS, you know most of us vets with PTSD can not stand STUPID!!! Thats just stupid so I will not play.....Last I heard he has only had about 5 guys finish the program, 30+ have quit in the 3-5 weeks. I talked with one of the guys that quit (he's about my age) said he did not like the idea of waking up old shit he did not remember after all these years. After hearing that, I was glad I did not start, as I feel the same way. I have enough on my plate as it is, why would I want to remember shit I have forgotten? I maybe wrong in that, but it's a 50% chance it could make it worse, I don't want to take the chance!!! I am getting to old for this shit and I am tired.......

J R

 

[bemental]

My counselor wanted me to do the CPT, he said it would be hard. Anyway I did not do it, I did start it, but when he said I had to write everything by hand, I ask why? He says because it's part of the program, you can't use use a computer you have to hand write it.

That's what my Friday session will be JR, I have to write everything out by hand.

Growing up straddling the writing/computer line (I'm 30) I find that writing is definitively different than typing. Personally, I spend way more time editing the content when I type, but when I write things just flow - specifically in the manner that when I type it's more of a stream of consciousness (since I can type as fast I can think), and when I write I'm a bit more deliberate (and my mind seems to wander a bit more at that slower pace).

I said BS, you know most of us vets with PTSD can not stand STUPID!!! Thats just stupid so I will not play.....Last I heard he has only had about 5 guys finish the program, 30+ have quit in the 3-5 weeks. I talked with one of the guys that quit (he's about my age) said he did not like the idea of waking up old shit he did not remember after all these years. After hearing that, I was glad I did not start, as I feel the same way. I have enough on my plate as it is, why would I want to remember shit I have forgotten? I maybe wrong in that, but it's a 50% chance it could make it worse, I don't want to take the chance!!! I am getting to old for this shit and I am tired.......
J R

I'll have to call your bluff on the handwriting versus typing though JR. Out of all of the reasons you could've given to quit, that's not a a very good one to quit a third of the way through the program.

I will give you 100% legitimacy that waking up old things when you have a full plate is probably not a good idea. As I've said elsewhere, it's been a year and a half since I could enter into another session of CPT, and I still remember the old sessions like it was yesterday.

I can only imagine how tired you guys must be. I only suppressed the beast for 8 years before seeking help. You old breed have lived my entire life with it.

JR, I truly support CBT/CPT and if you ever get the chance to attempt it again I hope you consider it. It's kind of like investing in the stock market - there will be good days, and bad days, but as long as we're making nets in the positive direction it's all good. I'm sure there is always the possibility that just won't work for you, and I'll succeed to that.



The only way out is through.

 

[OldDoorGunner]

That's what my Friday session will be JR, I have to write everything out by hand.

Growing up straddling the writing/computer line (I'm 30) I find that writing is definitively different than typing. Personally, I spend way more time editing the content when I type, but when I write things just flow - specifically in the manner that when I type it's more of a stream of consciousness (since I can type as fast I can think), and when I write I'm a bit more deliberate (and my mind seems to wander a bit more at that slower pace).



I'll have to call your bluff on the handwriting versus typing though JR, out of all of the reasons you could've given, that's not a a very good one to quit a third of the way through the program.

I will give you 100% legitimacy that waking up old things when you have a full plate is probably not a good idea. As I've said elsewhere it's been a year and a half since I could enter into another session of CPT and I still remember the old sessions like it was yesterday.

I can only imagine how tired you guys must be. I only suppressed the beast for 8 years before seeking help. You old breed have lived my entire life with it.

Hi bemental,

Just so you know, I did not even start the CPT program...What you said about the handwriting I agree with what you said. (kind of) In my case I type on the computer slow, as in 2 fingers (LOL) and my spelling sucks, so the spell checker gets a work out. So when I type on the putter, I re-read what I have written a lot. (That makes me think about it even more) It would be nice if I could type as fast as you!!! Now as to my hand handwriting, it's just not up to par anymore gets hard to read. Add in all the correctins I would be making, it would just add to my anxiety. Hell I even thought of writing it on the putter and then just copying it paper. That just seemed like a lot extra work for me and to me falls under Stupid, I just can not handle Stupid. I am sure you understand the why of it.....in combat...........

Back to my (kind of);

As for the shrinks that make up programs like CPT. I feel they think that by making us vets with the beast, hand write this stuff, we will somehow tell them more...When if fact we will only tell them what we want to tell them. I do the same thing in working with my counselor, I have told him a lot, (more than I ever thought I would) but there are things I will never share with him or anyone....

Thank you for your coments bemental......

J R

 

[Sleeping Dragon]

The timing and situation have to be right my Brothers. My first two tries at outside help failed miserably. And, I'm not blaming those who I worked with or myself. I wasn't in tune with the program, and they weren't in tune with me.

One of the things that keeps me trying is the fact that I change a little each and every day. So, what doesn't work now may fit like a glove later on. And, the things I depend upon today may not help much tomorrow.

I truly believe that improvement is a journey not a destination. Thanks for your help along the way.

SD

 

[bemental]

I truly believe that improvement is a journey not a destination. Thanks for your help along the way.

SD

You've got the right attitude. We're here for you.

 

[bemental]

Hi bemental,

Just so you know, I did not even start the CPT program...What you said about the handwriting I agree with what you said. (kind of) In my case I type on the computer slow, as in 2 fingers (LOL) and my spelling sucks, so the spell checker gets a work out. So when I type on the putter, I re-read what I have written a lot. (That makes me think about it even more) It would be nice if I could type as fast as you!!! Now as to my hand handwriting, it's just not up to par anymore gets hard to read. Add in all the correctins I would be making, it would just add to my anxiety. Hell I even thought of writing it on the putter and then just copying it paper. That just seemed like a lot extra work for me and to me falls under Stupid, I just can not handle Stupid. I am sure you understand the why of it.....in combat...........

Back to my (kind of);

As for the shrinks that make up programs like CPT. I feel they think that by making us vets with the beast, hand write this stuff, we will somehow tell them more...When if fact we will only tell them what we want to tell them. I do the same thing in working with my counselor, I have told him a lot, (more than I ever thought I would) but there are things I will never share with him or anyone....

Thank you for your coments bemental......

J R

Now that I think about it more JR, when I write for therapy I don't re-read, and I only make minor spelling and grammatical corrections. These memoirs don't go into my file, in fact they never leave my possession. They're merely tools to get my thoughts across succinctly to the provider.

I've got to point out specifically that comment you made about ....in combat.....; I know exactly what you mean, but we've got to stop using that as an excuse! I'm sure you meant no harm, but I'm going to point it out just in case.

I used to get angry about the stupidest things, and then start going off on these asinine rants. I compared my wife's leaving the mailbox flag up after she got the mail to marking IEDs and marines getting killed. As if it really mattered.

In the end she did something nice (got the mail - which I didn't thank her for), made a small mistake (which I turned into a knockdown drag out argument for hours), and all because I was pissed I had to walk out to the mailbox and put the flag down after finding no mail.

---

Regarding the therapy, you need trust, and both parties need to realize that only so much 'truth' can be had. It takes time, and a relationship, to really share the deep stuff. Sometimes these providers don't get that, and when I was told by one lady that she typically labels her patients with a "working diagnosis" after knowing them for 20-30 minutes... you better believe I told her that I didn't trust her (she responded by threatening me with the MMPI to disprove that I had PTSD).

Anyway, I haven't slept all night and have to get ready for the day. I appreciate the feedback and comments JR, please keep them coming.

 

[JarHed]

We all fail at times. You can't be fearful of doing it. It's part of the process of succeeding, if you fail enough times you will succeed.

As far as therapy goes, I went the Prolonged Exposure route. It was tough but I think all therapy is. My Doctor told me it always gets harder before it gets easier. She was right.

I think the thing that kept me going was I didn't want to stay where I was and in the state I was in. The desire to do just about anything to feel even a little bit better than the shitful state I was in was a motivator for me. It's also the structure and discipline thing for me. Both are something I need and understand. What ever you can do to move forward towards a better life for yourself is worth investing in.