The secrets i keep from my t...

[Muted]

You don’t have to.

You still remain 100% in control, no matter what

Just take a risk and open up. It could be the best thing ever.

i don’t feel like I can... I’m scared... this part is too powerful.

And there will be a lot of pieces to work on.

Ya, I know that I have a lot to work in.

 

[Friday]

For the record, the dangers involved in people knowing about my life, is one of my trauma pieces as well. From a few different places. From being held captive, if no one knows you have something or want something? They can’t take it away, or use it against you. From being stalked, if no one knows where I am? They can’t f*ck with me. From abuse, if no one knows I’m working towards something, they can’t sabotage it, or hurt me with it. List goes on, really. Same lessons over and over and over. Keep my mouth shut. Share need to know info, only.

You know what? All of that -and more- is f*cking good advice in certain kinds of trauma. It’s just plain STUPID to tell someone who is going to use information to hurt me or those I love anything, much less anything important to me.

I have to work really hard to separate out those situations from modern situations.

No, I’m not going to tell my captor where it hurts.
Yes, I am going to tell the doctor where it hurts.

No I’m not going to give my ex my address.
Yes, I’m going to give my bills my address. (Okay, technically only water/power/rent ever has that, the rest I funnel through a PO box. Which is a pain for me, but doesn’t actively hurt me.)

I get caught in these situations in my head all the time. I don’t want to tell my doctor that my collarbone is dislocated, and my ribs are cracked. Because all my instincts say to tell someone I’m injured, and where, is inviting them to make it worse. Much. Much. Worse. But? I can walk out of my doctors office and never return. He doesn’t have me under guard, or covered. (He’s also not going to yank my arm out of socket, and put his knee in my broken ribs. ) He. Has. No. Power. Over. Me. The only power he has, is what I grant him. My telling him where it hurts? Orders tests & meds. Which I don’t have to go to, or take. It’s all my choice. I’m in control. Every step of the way.

When it doesn’t feel like I’m in control? I do that reality checking.

Sometimes I’m not in control. But I’m usually in faaaaaar more control than I feel like I am.

*** ETA

Again, for me personally, what it usually comes down to is trust. NOT of the other person. They’re going to do what they’re going to do, and I may very well not like it. Trusting MYSELF to handle however they react, is usually my bottom line. (Hence the reality checking. What are they likely to do, and can I handle that / do Intrust myself to handle that? When I’m all beat up, I do NOT trust myself to handle myself in a fight. Hence, I don’t want to tell my doctor where it hurts. But I DO trust myself to handle an exam, meds, standard doctor stuff. Okay. What are my options if he doesn’t go bizarrely HULK SMASH? Things I can deal with. Okay. And, for the sake of argument, if the guy goes loco, there’s a door to a room filled with people, and a window with a 4 foot drop to the street. I might not trust myself to fight it out, but can I trust myself enough to walk out. Yep. I can do that. Okay. Deep breath. “I think I’ve busted my ribs & dislocated my collarbone, again.”

 

[EveHarrington]

Talk to the scared part. Assure her that SELF/adult you can handle whatever happens. Assure the scared part that you will protect her.

 

[Friday]

Ya, I know that I have a lot to work in.

Control. Trust. Power. Fear. Powerlessness. Autonomy. Secrets. Strength. Weakness. Agency. Sense of ones self.

These aren’t small topics. They’re huge.

And that’s probably not a compete list.

It’s not like... go eat a sandwich, you’re too thin. :rolleyes: These are big ticket items you’re wrestling with. Damn good on you for even squaring off in the ring.