Relationship The Silent Treatment?

[Go Hungry]

It probably has something to do with insecurities on her part. Sometimes people feel like they have no control over their own life, so instead they'll try to control someone else's. That's what one person did to me. She felt utterly powerless in her own life, but she knew she had me wrapped about her fingers, so she destroyed me in order to have a sense of power. It happens. Like I said, not super-villain stuff, but close enough. Again, Don't ask her for closure.. You won't get it. It'll end in tears. Every. Damn. Time.

And dude, things are never great and healthy when you're together. You're seeing a gilded image, a honeyed deception. The way you've described her before, she's always chill and cool about things until suddenly she explodes and dumps you and then drags you back and forth. The word 'healthy' cannot even remotely be applied to that kind of dynamic. "Pleasant" sure, but healthy.. no way.
The relationship is toxic, through and through.. Run like hell.[DOUBLEPOST=1404420858,1404420637][/DOUBLEPOST]*may be projecting a little bit* :mask:

 

[blue_eyes18]

Silkleaves, that was fantastic advice. Incredibly helpful and perhaps how she feels. And I do get the devil's advocate. I see exactly what you're saying. I suppose that's why I phrased it to her as asking for a relative time frame of when it could be for me peace of mind. It didn't have to be right then. I suppose it was my way of compromising. I had already gone two weeks without understanding, and given her that space. So when she asked for more time, I was willing to grant it. I even said I would. I just said for the sake of compromise, so I can continue to give her space and she can give me peace of mind, what span of time are we looking at? I didn't want her to sacrifice her well-being for me. I didn't ask for that. :/ I tried to be fair. I really did. I felt that asking for the compromise got me ripped apart instead of what I intended.

As for the closure - I really am the type of person who can handle a conversation between two adults and get my head in the right place. It's happened before when her and I broke up, actually. I asked for us to speak about it calmly and just talk. She granted me that and I felt immense relief afterwards. It helped me finalize the situation and fully process it. From there, it took so much of my edge off and I actually started to heal. But then she came back and wanted to reconcile. But my point being that I truly really knkw myself and that I really just needed to talk to get my head where it needed to be and find my peace of mind. She also knows that's how I operate. Any time we have split, I have expressed a need for this, and she has seen that it's legit and not just a tactic to get her back.

As for what you said, silkleaves, about the desire for space. It makes perfect sense. The thing that confuses me is that SHE broke up with me, not the other way around. So why does she need so much space if it was her decision? I guess that baffles me and just hurts even more. Because she's the one who broke up with me and then what feels like to add insult to injury, she won't speak to me. Hard to understand.

Go Hungry, you may be right about that. Maybe it is about a sense of control. She always says she feels like she's not in control of her life or the things that happen to her. Maybe this is her way of gaining control - by rippong my control away and controlling me. And about the healthy relationship thing. True story. You're right - that's not healthy at all. I pictured a shark tearing something back and forth in it's jaws when you said she dumps me and drags me back and forth. That's exactly how it feels. Like I'm being blindsided and ripped back and forth and I'm just along for the ride. I have no control in the situation. She has all the control.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Silkleaves, you said, "Had he given me time, instead of making me feel like my needs weren't important and I should just do what he wants, im guessing after a couple months, I would have sortes through me feelings and been able to talk to him. Instead he pushed me so far that I snapped, and I really dont care to talk to or see him again."

I recognize that you are referencing her desire for space and that I should grant it. But I guess that's also how I feel, too. That my feelings should be recognized, also. That had she granted me what I was askong for - closure - then I would have no problem being her friend. But she didn't grante that simple respect. And now, I am really angry.

Being that I was the dumpee and that she blindsided me, I felt I did deserve to have my feelings acknowledged. I felt I did deserve the respect of simple closure. Seemed like the least she could do. Being the dumpee, you had a lot of emotions going on inside and hurt. You decided you needed space. Well for me, being dumped and devastated, I have the need for being communicated with. It truly will allow me to move on. I know myself very well. It's what I feel I needed to be given (like your desire for space) in order to get to where I needed to be. And then we could have been friends again. And I feel that she intentionally hindered my ability to move on needlessly, much in the same way your ex did. Does that make Amy sense?

 

[maryiscontrary]

It sounds like you need to have someone who appreciates you as much as you do them. Remember, you can't get orange juice from a hardware store. I know once I was able to internalize this on a deep level, it gave me the permission to detach from people who just could not reciprocate much more easily. Now, I can detach from problematic relationships real pronto. One of my 3 rules...detach from people who have issues with empathy...period. If someone will not--or cannot--care for your feelings....this is a big assed red flag.

I am sorry she was shitty...take the bag of dicks attitude exactly at face value.

 

[silkleaves]

On timelines: consider when you are going through a moment. Would you be able to give someone a timeline for when you will be okay again? Personally speaking, when I'm having a moment it can last a few minutes up to several months. The more pressure I get to decide on when I will be all good, the longer it takes for me to be all good. It's just not something that can be penciled into a calendar.

Better than that, and what helps takes the pressure off of me, is for someone to say, get in touch when you're ready... as opposed to, so when will you be done with your mood swing? Then I feel like me taking time out for me is an inconvenience to them. Mental illness or not, I'm not sure anyone would be encouraged to be pressured to get over it or to set an end date to when they should be over it. Know what I mean?

On closure: though she is the one who broke up with you, that doesn't mean it was done from a place in her heart where she purposely wanted to see you in pain and did this just got that reason, making her out to be heartless and cruel. Unless she generally is a heartless and cruel person, but then the breakup wouldn't have been such a shock or nearly as painful I'd guess since you'd be happy to have get out of you life.... though I've never been the one to end a relationship, I can see how it would be hard on someone to end a relationship that seems great, but for whatever reason, it's no longer right for them to be in. Would you prefer she just be unhappy and stay with you out of obligation and to avoid hurting your feelings because get reasons for wanting to go separate ways are not "good enough" likely not right? We want in our relationships not just to love, but also to be loved in return.

So if she is a half decent person, abd I'm guessing she was at least that since you are not happy the relationship is over, then yeah, odds are pretty high that she is having a hard time with having to make the decision the end the relationship, knowing how much it will hurt you. And then also, your need to know when she will be over it so that you two can talk about it, having to face how much she hurt you by not just staying in the relationship to make you happy. She looks like a jerk for doing what she feels is right for herself in lieu of staying with you and / or giving you what you need instead. That can be hard to deal with too...

Really though, she can't give you closure. Not now anyway when, from way you describe, she's trying to sort through her own closure as it is, abd especially not when emotions are running so high that everything is tense and strained. And hey I don't blame you, I think I spent the first several months after my breakup just wanting to know why.

He strung me strung me along for months while seeing other women for several months, was telling other people we already broke up, introduced a girl to his family, all this time telling me we were going to marry. He broke up with me two weeks after traveling with me to meet my sister and two days after thanksgiving where he met my whole family. I was sure that by Christmas I'd get a proposal. Instead, he was spending it with another girl and meeting get family.

When I asked him why, competed devastated, he'd always say he doesn't know, then he'd run through a checklist of everything he hated about me, then he'd say I'm a wonderful person abd will meet someone who deserves me, then he'd say he never could stand me and was never happy with me. Nothing. ... Nothing at all he said was closure for me. I kept pushing for the "real" reason and I don't think he actually even knows, just kept trying to come up with anything, any way for me to stop asking.

It was nearly 3 years later, way after I gave up, that he said he stayed with me out of obligation, that he just didn't feel it anymore but had no logical reason for not wanting to be with me, so he resigned himself to it that he was stuck with me. That was such a horrible feeling, and still yet, that was not enough closure for me.I'm still incredibly hurt and I still don't get it.

He's now married with a new baby, still asks friends about me and will email to say he misses me. So yeah, I know he feels a ton of guilt over what he did, I know he doesn't understand it himself. But if I was still depending on him for closure and didn't block him so that o could get a moments peace to create my own closure, I'd still be a nervous wreck four years later. I actually think he's worse off than I am, the amount of guilt he feels for breaking things off, plus to this day friends and even his own family tell him what a jerk he was for what he did to me.

Would've been better if he was upfront abd told me before finding someone else, or instead of stringing me along because he was afraid to hurt my feelings, but even if he had, he'd still be a jerk for not wanting to be with me. I've had to explain to people, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me... no difference, because he didn't just try to stay regardless of how he felt about the relationship, he's a jerk.

Okay I went on a bit of a tangent there lol yes, if it's not obvious, it does still hurt. But all the same, breakups are not easy, not for the dumped or the dumper, if she was so heartless that the breakup would be easy for her, you wouldn't feel anything either, except happy to be rid of her. And that's not what's happening here.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Of course I would never want her to stay with me out of obligation. And I don't feel that she's a jerk for ending things. In fact, it's not the ending of the relationship that hurts the most. Because I've accepted at this point that it's over. However, it is the way she has gone about it that has utterly crushed my spirit and really hurt me. In a way, I feel betrayed. We were supposed to be each others best friend before anything else. Yet when I asked her to at least explain better to me what happened because not having that was really hurting me, she was no where to be found. She shut me out. She ignored my plea for helping me get my head to where it needed to be. And she should have known me well enough to know that's how I operate. That all I needed was a simple talk.

I see what you're saying about the whole "get in touch when you're ready" thing. And that's usually how I always am. I was always selfless in our relationship. If she were here right now, I'm certain she would agree. I put her needs well before my own all the time. However, in this situation, she breaks up with me out of the blue, then I'm still supposed to not care about my feelings and only hers? Of course I care about her feelings. I care about ours equally. But not 100% hers over mine anymore. I honestly placed her feelings so far ahead of mine, it became unhealthy. To say come to me when you're ready is great. I do agree. But that also completely disregards any of my feelings and forces me to have no say as to what I need. That's basically saying, you have all the control. Do with it as you wish and take no mind for what I am feeling. At least that's how it feels.

I try very hard to be selfless. And I feel I've done a really good job of that in this relationship. But I do have needs sometimes. And this was certainly one of those times. I needed something. And I clearly expressed them and they got ignored. I wasn't trying to insinuate to her that when she's done with her mood swing, to talk to me. I don't take this to be a mood swing. I take it all very seriously. I know she's struggling. Not just with me but life as a whole. If I had my way, I'd be right there with her during these struggles. But I dont have that choice. So I just wanted a talk so I could get my closure and heal. That's it. That way we could both be on our way to moving on. But I felt I deserved an hour conversation, after all we've been through, to help ease my pain. Then we both could have had space. But as a friend, she bailed on me and disappeared. That's how I feel and that's the hurt and anger I'm experiencing. She should have known me well enough to know I wasn't pushing her or asking for something I don't need.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I wasn't expecting her to just get over it and deal with it. What I meant was can we just have one heart felt convo between two people who cared about each other before we take space so I can wrap my head properly around things and be in a good place? Because when she broke up with me, she left it with her hanging up the phone on me while I was still asking questions. Not necessary in my book. And that's how she left me.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Thank you Maryiscontrary. It does seem to lack empathy. After all the times I bent over backwards to accomodate her feelings, I felt I deserved some empathy, too. :/

 

[maryiscontrary]

Can you read up on codependency? Bending over backwards is not healthy dynamics for any relationship. It is a narcissist and sociopath magnet. Trust me, I was the biggest doormat on earth. Not anymore. I am a Judge Judy style bitch when it comes to those type of behaviors as you described. Real serious. If a person cannot process empathy, they are not able to have a balanced, fair relationship. It is like expecting a quadriplegic person to do backflips, if that reframes with compassion. Orange juice from a hardware store....just remember that.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Makes a lot of sense, Mary. And I definitely know a lot about codependency. And I definitely think I displayed many codependent tendencies during our relationship. I always just wanted to protect her and take care of her.[DOUBLEPOST=1404443586,1404443454][/DOUBLEPOST]I never viewed it as codependent while we were together. I always viewed it as loving her so much I just wanted to protect her. But I do see it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @blue_eyes. I don't know if this helps to mention, but reading these posts I can see ALL of them as correct- given each person's experiences. What I can say is, only you two know, and you know best her heart & your own. I don't mean that in a rose-coloured glasses sort of way, I mean in the real-fundamental-reality kind of way. (With the caveat we never know everything about one another). What is her nature, what is she like, who does she put first, does she feel entitled, does she have empathy (etc etc).

I think @silkleaves summarized how you both are looking for different things, or need mutually exclusive ways to achieve them. I also think silkleaves is right in saying it's hard to give a time-line when you are really messed up or confused or falling apart. I think @Go Hungry & silkleaves & @maryiscontrary described bad relationships most of us have been in, or relationships lacking love or empathy or honesty or regard that were harmful for us but for which we fought for longer than we should, or realized after heartache how it was actually preferable that they ended. I think we all are attempting in our own ways to spare you the potential heartache.

I am probably not much of an authority on this subject being neither married nor divorced. But speaking from my own experiences only & experiencing ptsd, I think it's safe to say she doesn't 'mean' to hurt you. But, if she is angry she 'may' want to, even at some level. From what you've said she certainly feels 'justified' or 'in the right', so to speak, so that would make me wonder if you are seeing this in opposite ways & she is angry. With maturity & regard & lack of self-justification we learn to speak what we mean when we disagree or are hurt, with respect for each other however.

But, people are all different. Even what appears as similar behaviours may have vastly different motivations. I think her anger & justification do result in more hurt than if she were trying to spare you for example.

I think the only thing you can't blame her for is 'making' you feel anything. Don't get me wrong- I certainly understand why you feel as you do, & I think 99% of people would feel the same. But that is where co-dependency can come in. We simply have to learn to not be connected to the pull of others' emotions when they are negative. We also have to dig deeper. If we are sad, then why? Is it because one feels their rights are violated, or because their expectations are disappointed, or because they truly miss the person? Whatever that answer is, one can start to work on themself from there. For example, I was with an abusive man wherein somewhere it occurred to me that I felt if I could get 'him' to tell me I was worthy of love or lovable then I would/ could be with anyone else. Of course, that was never going to happen.

But as I said everyone is different. I learned a lot from asking my mom why on certain occasions she cut my dad some slack, other times she took quite concrete action to be direct & not as kind, as it were (not really the right way to put it but..). She nearly left him once, & I have no doubt she would never have returned. What I came to understand was that she really knew my dad, & she listened to her heart & gut & followed it each step of their lives together. (My dad seemed from what I know now to have ptsd by the way). They "shouldn't" have made it but they did, but with much to contend with as well. But very much madly & deeply in love.

It is always up to the person with ptsd to change our (their) lives. We've done what we've had to & likely the best we could to survive, but we're lying to ourselves if we think we can outrun ptsd, or live a non-controlled ptsd lifestyle within a ptsd-free-zone (the world). It is easier for us to 'remove' people & things that are frightening & challenging, but we end up either with not-very-nice people or with a life that has more holes than swiss cheese. I think the not-so-nice reality of ptsd is that despite the exhaustion & grief we sometimes need a wake-up call to decide to go out on a limb & work on the things that are not very nice about ourselves. Some times that means caring for other's more (or first, despite the ways it may be a challenge for someone with ptsd), or it may be not accepting abuse ourselves.

I wish for you the same as my mom had: the guidance, patience, intuition, courage, fortitude, wisdom, strength, love, forgiveness, maturity & self-love to have the most understanding possible & to make the choices true to your heart & for your well-being.

Hugs.

 

[silkleaves]

You know @blue_eyes18 ... reading through your response, definitely brought back a lot of what I was feeling during my breakup... and honestly, I hope to not ever feel that way or be in a relationship like that again. @Junebug is totally right, I really am coming from a place of "save yourself! dont go down the same path I did!!" :)

I mean, you are in the thick of it right now so you are overcome with your emotions of the situation you are in, and hey, it took me nearly 2 years before I even tried to date again, and when I did start dating, I was forcing myself to "get out there..." my heart wasn't into it until earlier this year..almost 4 years after a breakup that still hurts whenever I think about it.

But the stuff you said that I really do get, is that feeling of, I did everything for you, I put you above my own needs, whatever you wanted, I was there...the least you could do is be there for me too, and just do this thing to help me through this. That's me 100% Like I said, my ex would waver back and forth between kind and cruel, and whenever I brought that line of thinking up, he would go between saying, yes and I really appreciate that you did that, it's one of the things I love about you and why I can't understand why I don't feel the same way...to, I never told you to do all that, you took on on yourself to make me your whole world, that's part of the problem why I can't be with you, you need to get a life.

Again though, like I said before, it really didn't matter what he said, I kept pushing for answers, so he was giving me answers...maybe there was some genuine "this is how I feel" in there, but there was also a lot of "maybe if Im really mean you will stop needing to talk about this and finally move on and leave me alone"

Anyway....it took me *years* to get to this point, of deciding I dont ever again want to be in a relationship where I'm the one doing everything, where I put myself, my needs, what is important to me last in the relationship and set the guy Im with up on a pedestal. I want something where we are taking care of *each other* where we are more equal in our efforts for the relationship. Just because I know it though, doesn't mean that I'm ready..or even capable of actually acting on it.

But for the first time in my life, after doing it in my marriage, and in my last two relationships... I realized..hey, I need to stop doing that. I need to be as loved and respected and for my needs to carry some sort of weight and importance in a relationship too. Like I said, and I mean it for me too, something I need always to remind my own self... I want to be in a relationship not just to love, but also be loved. And I don't want to be in a situation where I'm even able to hold it over someone's head all the things I did for them while asking for nothing in return as a reason for them to just this once be there for me.

Anyway, I think this is something though that will only become clearer in time... Like I said, it took me years to get past my feelings of needing answers, to come to terms with it that I could not depend on him for closure or my emotional well-being, and being able to even think about moving on, and still even now after 4 years it still hurts. So I don't expect you to turn on a dime or anything...just hope that all the stuff we are collectively saying about our experiences in relationships like this, and breakups like this, that it gives you something to think about.