The Stress Of Strangers And Large Groups

[Meli]

I took a trip this weekend with a woman I've only met once. She has been in my family for 14 years as the step-mother of my niece. I wasn't afraid to travel with her, and accepted her invitation quickly. She needed the help driving the 13 hours to Minnesota, and I'd never been there. I based my decision on my niece's adoration of her, whom I know intimately and trust. After accepting the invitation, she informed me that I 'might' have to share a bed with her, and that we were staying with a woman in her organization that she had spoken to on the phone for several years.

Again, I wasn't afraid to do this, even though the circumstances had become uncomfortable a bit. I figured I could paste on my 'everything is great' smile, and use my social skills to make it through the trip. I didn't factor in that I would be exhausted from the drive when I arrived in Minneapolis and met yet two more strangers. The women were personable and friendly, but very confident and aggressive in conversation. The exhaustion had caused me to want to withdraw, I couldn't excuse myself because there was no where to go, and I felt it would be rude to not interract with them. I felt trapped with three strangers.

I began to feel depressed and losing control of my environment, which furthered the anxiety, and caused me to focus on that 'everything is great' smile. I had to have looked like a deer in the headlights, and that embarassed me. I couldn't engage in conversation unless spoken to, and only to give a direct answer. The smile was hurting my face. When we finally made it to the restaurant that night, I was all too anxious to order the strongest drink they had. I was completely scatter brained; thoughts jumping around in my head in fractional form. I forgot to take my nightclothes to the shower with me, and nearly panicked when I realized it. I had to coach myself into peeking my head out the door and asking her to hand my intimates to me. I was naked, wet, and completely vulnerable.

At the convention where she needed to drop off her animals, I felt invisible in the midst of hundreds of people busy setting up their animals for showing. Everyone knew each other, and I pasted on the smile again. They were all so comfortable with each other; their postures relaxed, their greetings genuine, and conversations flowling smoothly. At this point, invisibility turned into a hyper awareness that my anxiety was obvious. It wasn't exactly uncomfortable, as much as it was shameful. I began to criticise myself internally; "Why can't I just be normal in these situations? Why do I have to be the wall flower?"

Relieved that the business was done, we left for home. We had wonderful conversations in a one on one environment, each taking our turns driving and doing for the other one as we went; opening pop bottles and navigating. She hugged me when she dropped me off at home. As soon as I closed the door, I slumped onto the couch and began to cry for a second. It was like I had held my breath the whole 48 hours, and it was now time to exhale. I didn't realize how emotionally exhausted I was until my boyfriend came down the stairs, and the look on my face caused him to think I was unapproachable. Later he asked me why I was stressed, and I had thought about his reaction, and came to the conclusion that I absolutely was unapproachable this morning.

There's no logical reason for my all day depression today, I had a great trip. I met interesting people, and got to see a part of the U.S. I'd never seen before. I made a friend that I believe will be there for years to come, we really hit it off. So why have I spent the whole day feeling hopeless and shameful and unable to find that real smile. The physical exhaustion shouldn't make it impossible to be happy (it's never easy to drive 26 out of 48 hours for anyone), but I feel like the new people and lack of an escape route added more exhaustion. I slept all day, and now I'm disappointed that I haven't gotten anything done today. I really needed to catch up; I have quite a few important things to take care of.

I have to find a way to interract with strangers and large groups, other than that fake smile and shutting out the world when it's all said and done. Any suggestions?

~Meli

 

[Toxickitten]

Hi Meli,

I am new here, and have no real advice, but I did just want to say I experience similar feelings and anxieties in social situations right down to the internal dialogue. Up to now I have used alcohol as a crutch and even controlled it well for a while, but that's no longer a realistic option for me.

I just wanted to offer you a word of support, and say I understand, and I wish I could wave a magic wand for everyone who feels like this.

Best wishes

Vicci

 

[Meli]

Thank you Vicci,

I think positive support is very important, even if one doesn't have advice. A major problem with PTSD is feeling so alone and weird all the time. We watch other people go about their business with no ill effects, and it tears down self esteem to know that we struggle with simple things. I'm interesting, intelligent, cultured, and personable; but I still have a great deal of anxiety when forced to mingle with strangers. I worry about judgement and acceptance, and I also worry about messing up with speach or ethics. All this worry contradicts a lot of my personality traits. I like people, and experiencing different cultures, even if it's just a couple states away. I love listening to stories. I have no problem speaking to public service employees; asking for help in a store or approaching officials. I'm confident that way, but when it comes to parties, festivals, or the strange situation I described; it's very stressful and exhausting.

I think control over my environment is possibly the key. Maybe the fact that an escape route is not clear makes the experience stressful. It gets even worse when I try to speak, and no one hears me because I can't raise my voice. Or if they do hear me, it doesn't interest them, and no one responds to my comment. That sets me off immediately, and I think 'where's the door'. I find it much easier to communicate with acquaintences through email. That way I don't have to see them in person, they won't catch on to my anxiety, and there's no need for the escape route.

It seems there's always that little voice inside of me, asking questions and telling me danger is lurking. I over-analyze everything; something I've been working on lately, but have not been successful with yet. When my little voice can't figure it out, then my mouth opens up, and that's when I start offending people. I come off as accusing or over-sensitive. I really do need clear and precise acknowledgment and reinforcement, but in today's society, they tend to insinuate or imply everything. The days of rigid manners and clarity are long gone. I'm having lots of trouble acclamating to that.

I'm glad you've joined Vicci, I hope you find satisfaction in some way here. I appreciate your response, just to say you care. That's a good feeling.

Thank you,
~Meli

 

[intothelight]

Hi Meli,

It is really hard to interact with a stranger, let alone a room full of strangers. But as you said, you did really well one-on-one, and it turned into a positive experience.

I cannot go into a group situation, without having a friend with me. It is weird, because when I get anxious, I cannot understand what people are saying (language doesn't register), cannot follow conversations, and usually end up disassociating. I need someone I know with me, so I can keep myself grounded.

You are not alone in this, and it is really great that you are recognizing the issues, and working on them. You should be proud of yourself for making the trip, it sounds like you did a fantastic job.

ITL

 

[Manic11]

There's no logical reason for my all day depression today, I had a great trip. I met interesting people, and got to see a part of the U.S. I'd never seen before. I made a friend that I believe will be there for years to come, we really hit it off. So why have I spent the whole day feeling hopeless and shameful and unable to find that real smile. The physical exhaustion shouldn't make it impossible to be happy (it's never easy to drive 26 out of 48 hours for anyone), but I feel like the new people and lack of an escape route added more exhaustion. I slept all day, and now I'm disappointed that I haven't gotten anything done today. I really needed to catch up; I have quite a few important things to take care of.

I say the same thing constantly! 'Why can't I just be normal like everyone else? Why is this so hard for me? It's not this hard for everyone outside to leave the house (for example)." You aren't alone here at all. That's PTSD...Hell...That's anxiety.
I've had really great outings then come home and I know that breath of relief...the one that feels like you've been holding your breath the whole time, whether it's 5 minutes or two weeks. I get depressed as well and I think it's emotional exhaustion, the PTSD (duh) but also because as sufferers, we're being way too hard on ourselves all the time. Such as you feeling disappointed that you didn't get anything done that day. I do the same thing and some days I do a lot and still feel that I've failed and/or done nothing. I bet if your anxiety was never there that whole trip you would have been happier. It's like you're mad or disappointed in yourself for not being 'normal'.
You're too hard on yourself, hun. Do something nice for yourself...like a hot bath or a bowl of your favorite ice cream or just time to do whatever it is YOU love to do. Moderators orders....LOL!

Hope you feel better soon.
Manic

 

[Manic11]

Also would like to add that I agree with everyone else when they said you are very brave for facing that. You should be proud of yourself. That takes a lot of courage!

Manic

 

[Shiloh]

I can so relate to everything that you said. I always need a day off after a big social time. I get burnt out from it, regardless of the type of experience or even how fun it was. Anything out of my "safety" zone causes an awful lot of stress and anxiety.

 

[jesse]

Hi Meli I am so glad you posted this thread because I feel the exact same way and it has gotten much worse over the past year. I didn't realize it was a symptom of PTSD and am so thankful that you shared this info. I have really been thinking I have gone crazy and the isolation is terrible but comforting at the same time. It is almost like you feel self conscious but not quite that exactly. I find it actually emotionally painful to interact in groups, even with family gatherings. Its this weird cycle because I want friends but then withdraw when I am trying to socialize. I don't know how to overcome it but I just quit trying to put myself down for it and accept that it will get better eventually. A lot of this was triggered when I moved and all the great friends I loved so much turned their backs on me and I heard they called me crazy, etc. It was very painful and now I know I am better off without them but it has made me very distrustful and guarded. This is a form of self-preservation which I realize is not healthy but maybe it is a form of healing? I believe it will pass with time but the more I put myself down for it the harder and worse it gets. So all I can say is stop trying to analyze it and just be OK with having those feelings and let it be a comfort for now. I think for me it is part of being hypersensitive, which I used to think was bad but now realize it can be a gift because it gives you the ability to read people well. So being around a lot of them is like sensory overload. Hope this helps. Thanks again for sharing it has enlightened me.
Jesse

 

[PTSDT]

I am always comparing the me before the trauma times to the me I am now. I always see my ability glass as half empty. It is extremely frustrating and I go through the depression and feeling bad about myself for not doing/being/acting good enough. Then, after a time, I try to think of the things I did that were healthy and showed a little bit of self capability. It is a struggle. I would never have accepted the invitation to begin with so I hope you recognize that is a big accomplishment someone could even fathom.

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope that I might be able to handle more some day, go through some down feelings and reach out for comforting words afterward.

 

[just me here]

I just wanted to add to the number of people saying they feel the same way alot. I am better now than I have been, but probably only because I have had a few years off from constantly being forced into new social situations not of my choosing.

As a parent of 3 highschool age kids that were very involved in music performance, dance competitions, football, soccer, FFA and other stuff, I was constantly forced into contact with other parents, ride sharing, hotel stays and after the game dinners. I hated all of it but put on the happy face and survived all of it.

Point is, I never got better at it. Only now after a few years since my youngest graduated, I can almost enjoy the college parent interactions I find myself in. It's like the constant situation after situation I was in during the highschool years just made it worse and worse, and the less frequent and less demanding college parent role has become tolerable.

I remember times when it became so bad and I was so tired of interacting with society, I even quit going to the library to avoid the check out interaction until I found out there was a self service line, and wouldn't go grocery shopping alone so I could be bagging the groceries while my wife did the clerk interaction.

Strangers are hard for me to deal with and groups that are already established friends are especially hard, even intolerable most of the time. I know what you are talking about.

 

[anthony]

I have moved this from the CPTSD forum as its not about CPTSD, its about being depressed from stress created during a specific event. The CPTSD forum is for the exclusive discussion of the CPTSD diagnosis and surrounding attributes, not for those with CPTSD to discuss anything.

 

[Meli]

I have moved this from the CPTSD forum as its not about CPTSD, its about being depressed from stress created during a specific event. The CPTSD forum is for the exclusive discussion of the CPTSD diagnosis and surrounding attributes, not for those with CPTSD to discuss anything.

Thank you Anthony for redirecting my post. I'm a new member, and wish to comply completely. I appreciate your guidence in the matter of topic and category.

Have a wonderful afternoon,
~Meli