The talk

[Calendula]

I've been dating someone for about 4 months now. This is my first relationship.

I'm starting to feel as if I should be sleeping with him. However, I know I'm not ready for that yet.

I don't want to explicitely tell him my readons yet I still want to have a conversation and see where he stands regarding further intimacy. How have you guys started this type of conversation?

 

[Ronin]

By outright asking.

Mostly because I don't believe in dancing around important issues. In light settings is fine, but I still was darned direct about the issue itself, whichever it was, when those are not trauma tangled to CannotSpeak.

In which case I would not be thinking of sleeping with them, though, because other needs and MustMeets first.

 

[EveHarrington]

Can I ask how old you are?

 

[blackemerald1]

yet I still want to have a conversation and see where he stands regarding further intimacy.

Hi @Calendula - the best way of starting this conversation is to find a place where you both feel comfortable, will not be interrupted and are not engaged in doing something else.

This is an important conversation to have and well done you for understanding your own feelings and knowing that:-
a) you do not want to proceed with more intimacy right now and,
b) understanding that having this conversation with him is important

If you make your feelings and thoughts on this topic clear - both of you may feel much more relaxed and get on with having a good relationship.

Remember you are in charge of your body and regardless of whether or not your boyfriend agrees with you or not...it is always your decision if and when you have intimate relations and what they are.

Don't allow him to hold the relationship over your head - if he wants more and you do not. It's not worth it. If he does this regarding your wishes over this issue, imagine what he might do for other situations that are also very important.

 

[Calendula]

Can I ask how old you are?

I'm 20

 

[Friday]

There’s no “should” when it comes to sex. It’s all about personal preference.

Thing is, when you’re new? You don’t know what your preference is yet. So it makes sense you’re looking for outside “what’s normal” as kind of a baseline. Problem here is? There really isn’t one. Unless you’re in a subgroup with clearly defined sexual schtuff (like no sex before marriage, or oral is moral but as for the rest marriage is best, or BDSM with details worked out in advance to the Nth degree, etc.).

My suggestion? If you want to know? Ask. Him. Her. Whomever you’re planning on sleeping with. Because the only 2 opinions that matter as to when you will be having sex? Are yours.

And if you don’t want to know? Life Hack - Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. Seriously. It’s perfectly fine to table some things until later, and either you want to know, or it comes up on its own. It’s okay to simply enjoy what you have.

 

[chipman]

I've been dating someone for about 4 months now. This is my first relationship.

I'm starting to feel as if I should be sleeping with him. However, I know I'm not ready for that yet.

I don't want to explicitely tell him my readons yet I still want to have a conversation and see where he stands regarding further intimacy. How have you guys started this type of conversation?

Don't be pressured into something you don't want right now. Just face to face tell your other party that no means no. If that is a deal breaker then so be it. You will know when it is right. Trust yourself.

 

[Calendula]

Don't be pressured into something you don't want right now. Just face to face tell your other party that no means no. If that is a deal breaker then so be it. You will know when it is right. Trust yourself.

Funny enough, he brought up the topic and asked if there was a reason why I was hesitant to move forward. I think he picked up that something was bothering me... I only told him about a recent sexual assault, I didn't want to talk about more intense traumas. He was very nice about it and asked if I ever felt like he was pressuring me or making me feel unsafe. He's okay with taking things as slow as I need them to be. His reaction was better than I could imagine.

 

[blackemerald1]

I'm pleased he was nice about it and so he should be btw :unsure: :)

I am really pleased you felt confident enough to express how you feel about this. Well done you! :)