The Truth Of The Matter

[adeline]

Heres what works best for me,,dont get full satisfaction from it but its the best I get and its taken 15 yrs to work it out...If hes got that "I'm on a downer look" then I just leave him the hell alone other than asking simple questions such as if he wants dinner or would like to join in on a family activity,that way you don't get it in the neck for excluding him as he is excluding himself.somedays we can go the whole day with him just giving me yes/no answers.
I found the other trick is not to engage in arguments,if you feel an exchange is headed that way then either apologise for the fact that hes finding the subject a little sensitive at the moment(not your views) and offer to continue the conversation another time before leaving the room or if he is shouting at you,tell him you arent going to discuss it until he calms down and treats you with the respect you deserve "as a peer,never mind your wife" Hubby due to his training is reacting like he is higher up the chain of command so how dare you challenge his authority will be somewhere in his thinking and if you let him get away with it then it just become accepted behaviour and nothing will change..I know its hard to shield the kids from all this I managed to keep most of it hidden from ours for 14 years,they just thought dad had bad tempered days...

I need to try these more consistently honestly. I tend to meet the max after a few confrontations in the house. See he is med boarding from the Army and honestly hes home ALL DAY EVERYDAY. I am a stay at home mom, up until Dec I was finishing up my degree. I think things would get better if I had a job because then he wouldn't become annoyed with me. But then it would honestly put even more work on me than I already have. I suppose I need to stop looking at all of it as work and just accept that this is something I will have to continue to do until he gets better at managing everything. I just am unsure about keeping him at home all day , if hes home with the kids and only has to take care of them then hes ok but the house will suffer so after working then relieve him of the kids then i get the pleasure of getting our house in order . Thank you so much for the information. I do need to have him view me as an equal. I never thought of it like he was viewing me as a chain of command. seriously. It is amazing. Thank you so much

 

[wife of]

Hunny,its just me speaking from experiance but It might not be a good idea to leave him looking after the kids on his own for long periods,both for thier sake and his,if you do go back to work then try to get child care.I have spent the last 15 yrs at home 24/7 looking after the hubby and it is very isolating for both of us,once I decided to get my act together I also encouraged him to take up a hobby (photography in the hubs case),which gave him the opportunity to spend time with like minded people,relaxing and taking his mind off things.It gives him a sense of purpose and some job satisfaction at having created something beautiful,which feeds his self worth.I also have a hobby(making handmade greetings cards) which not only gives me the same kick but also enables me to get out and spend some time doing something purely selfish,Having seperate hobbies gives us something to discuss other than kids/bills/chores and is handy to use as safe grounds when trying to judge his mood for the day!!! Remember as well that most Dads who "Have to " stay at home suddenly as opposed to opting to be house husbands are going to struggle to look after kids and the house at once,they need some time to adjust to things that you probably find quite effortless,but hey think back to those first few weeks of being a stay at home mum,how overwhelming was that??? and thats without ptsd!Don't let him play on it though,its hard sometimes but I've got very good at stepping back when issues arise and deciding wether its a ptsd issue or something that "Normal"(I hate that phrase) couples might encounter,either way issues need acting upon and clearing asap and with appropriate tact otherwise they fester and get repeated and compounded.To be honest,(sorry if this offends anyone)if he has days when he is acting like a child then you need to treat it the same way as you would if it was one of your children,do not let him disrespect you and remember that they are watching all this and if they think you can be walked all over then you are in for one hell of a ride once they are teenagers!!! I'll be here anytime you want an ear but please remember that I can only tell you what works for me....if anything helps thats great,but I have no idea of how rough your path is going to get and not all smoothing techniques work on all surfaces!!!

 

[willis williams]

Adeline, In the case of anger do the oppesite you wouldn't throw gas on a fire. The verbal abuse is a persons way of winning and hitting your spouse should never be an option for winning and the military don't train loosers. It may benifit you to attend a support group to learn or even a PTSD class with your vet. I am not saying that you should lay down and take it just be smarter. When a person is mad they are not using thier hole brain because adrenelin is kicking in so rationalising is some what out of the question. It is always good to catch them off gaurd. Like he is being verbally abusive just look at him and say you know what I love you and walk away. When caught off gaurd it generally brakes the rant because he has to stop to asses the situation. If you use your head to manipulate the situation instead of fight back what good is fighting if you got know one to fight. Sometimes people with PTSD pick fights to stimulate adrenelin it is addictive I used to use just bad thaughts to trigger mine. After months or years of full stimulation you are an addict it is an awsome drug and just like any junky you want it. If a person is generally unhappy with themselves they tend to try to bring others down to thier level so is not to feel inadiquit or lower than others. You have to use smarts and brush off most of it so you don't end up in similar shape that he is in. Just remember throw it off balance while not fighting back and he may learn a new way to comunicate. Comunication is a learned trate and the military way is not a good way for home and then add PTSD it is bad. New ways will come with time but it is hard and to be honest it took a divorce to wake me up and a strong woman to keep me awake. TEX

 

[wife of]

Agree with all the above,thats kind of what I was trying to say about stopping arguments before they start,I also use the "I love you " line and then leave the room or if necessary the house for a while to allow some thinking space.Its hard to treat someone who is haranging you with the respect they are not showing back and to act with dignity but it will pay off in the end.You do need to use your smarts and take a step back,breathe deep and you will learn what works best for you to diffuse things.

 

[Steph_F]

You guys rock!! My guy is going through one of his "stressful slums" as he calls them and I had forgotten about the adrenaline thing until I read Willis' post. In the summer, my guy races stock cars on a small local track, its not NASCAR or anything, but it revs him up and lets him experience the thrill that he needs to get out of his system. He had to sell his car, he's lost his house, moved into what he calls a "dump" (I think its fine) and took a lower paying job for better hours and more time with his kids, oh and we got engaged and we are thinking of moving in together. STRESS!! LOTS OF IT! both good and bad, but I understand for someone that has PTSD, all stress is bad. I might need some help thinking of something "exciting" (but cheap) for him to get into to keep that adrendine pumping...any ideas? :)

 

[willis williams]

Skydiving, It worked for me till I got to broke to do anymore. He will find it for himself when it comes. Maybe RC cars or planes. None will replace stock cars though. Good luck. TEX

 

[Steph_F]

Thanks!! somedays I wish I could just push him out of a plane! haha! no that's horrible...I love that man to pieces...even when he's in pieces from his terrible mood swings and bouts of depression. I'm so glad I found this website to give me some "insider info" on what he may be dealing with...he says that I understand him better than anyone, even more than himself because I can give names for his distraught feelings and tell him while they may not be "normal" for just anyone, they are perfectly normal for someone with PTSD and I'm ready and willing to deal with the roller coaster. I have you guys here to vent to and to learn from and although I have studied PTSD, the friends in this forum have been the ones that have taught me the most. Thank you, Thank you, from both of us!

 

[Jimmy1]

We are all normal people. Just normal people with PTSD.
Its like a person with Diabetes or Asthma. It can be managed.