Sexual Assault The urge to bite

[Sweetleaf]

My new psychiatrist said something so f*cked up. She asked in a considerate way about my sexuality (I'm a gay chick), saying that people who are sexually abused as kids generally go for the opposite gender to their abuser.

You know, by all outward signs, I had given the impression that I was just straight, but I've been asked about my sexual orientation by both my pdoc and my T. No childhood sexual abuse (theres something thats kind of like down that path but it was more about exposing me to things, rather than actually -doing- things to me. its nothing compared to what happened to me as an adult so I basically minimize it into oblivion)

I said "asexual" both times. Seeing as I was being asked like, not even 2 months after my last sexual assault, I was very much in a "f*ck ALL THAT SEX SHIT" mode of thinking. Now, I have no f*cking idea what to say, because my orientation was something that was incredibly confusing to me -before- I ever met my abuser.

Now, it's even more confusing.

At least EMDR is improving my aversion to all that.

"you were passed around, then."
I wish I could tell you I did something incredibly badass in response, but no. It was like a punch to the chest. I played it cool and changed the subject.

I know that punched in the chest feeling, from hearing just the right line.

I was never passed around, but I very much get the feeling of your therapist uttering a line, and having that kind of reaction to it. When you hear something that you weren't ready to hear, or that seems really shocking to you to hear, and it has to do with very traumatic things that happened to you, it really does make you think "what the f*ck are you thinking saying something like that???"

The best way I've rationalized it is that she was shocked and literally just blurted it out. I kinda think she should have had more control given she's a f*cking psychiatrist, but everyone's human.

I think when my T does stuff like that, she's trying to point out to me how bad my situation was, by saying something that very bluntly just slams me over the head with what happened.

I also wonder whether she just doesn't realize what happens to me when she says things in that sort of way, and just kinda is trying to matter-of-factly put stuff out there, without realizing that laying out the facts like that, so bluntly, can really "punch me in the chest"

I would just ask her. I really like my therapist so I would ask her if a thing like that happened.

I like my therapist, I just have a very hard time asking things like that sometimes. I keep wanting to, but I don't do it.

I really should feel less afraid to ask why she says things sometimes.

I think it's a little late to ask about the laughing though. I did tell her about that a while ago.

 

[Freida]

Well on a side note I must be getting better because if I had read this post 3 months ago I would have had a complete panic attack. Now I read it and think - hmmm... guess it wasn't just me. And then I think that's enough of that conversation for now....

As for the laughing? yea....I do that. I laugh at the most inappropriate times and it has bitten me on the ass a time or two. It's a nervous response when something comes up that surprises me. I think asking your T is the best option - because if she's like me she may have no idea she did it.

You are so incredibly brave for posting this! I can guess how horrible it was to put it in words on the screen and then hit the button to send it out to us. Hopefully what you will now see is that you are not alone in this and that you have the support of those who know what you are going through

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Freida , EMDR is what makes me able to even talk about it at all. I have had it used on another incident, one that was less about the course of it (when I would want to bite) and more about the very ending of it. It was an oral sexual assault incident, too.

A lot of what I wrote was really really hard to put into words though, and I am definitely going to be talking about it with my therapist next week, because I think some of it is a good EMDR target.

It is so helpful to know I'm not alone in it. It's great to have peoples support. I'm glad you got to notice some healing :) it's nice when that happens. Makes the difficulty of therapy feel worth it.