The Wonderful Joys Of Shame

[mamachick]

Phillippa-I understand the pain of having to leave and walk away from toxic family. Most of my family is pretty toxic.

 

[Shellbell]

Yes, most of my family is toxic, I have a very distant relationsip with my siblings and that's it.

It's a very hard and personal decision to estrange yourself from family. Not an easy choice at all. Sometimes there is no choice though as they are hindering our recovery and healing.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou shellbell and brat, for acknowledging this. It certainly isn't an easy decision, nor is it easy to carry out without feeling so many difficult emotions...shame being one of them.

I tried all the "empowered" ways of transforming myself so I could communicate better with them, but it didn't really help to change the way they treat me, and if I'm to survive and heal, I need to not have them around me.

A friend described it as being forced to cut a cancerous growth out, and that is exactly what it is like.

 

[DazedandAbused]

I'm just learning more about shame. I think I shut this part out of my awareness until recently reading more about it. I have been shamed and guilt tripped through out my childhood and didn't know that I was...just thought I was bad. I continued to bring it into my adult life and used to get into bad relationships and hang with bad crowds.

Thankfully I've learned that I'm not bad, but I'm still so critical of myself and hang onto nearly every mistake. I'm always watching every move I make to make sure I don't do something shameful. I'm more aware and not give it as much energy than I used to be but it still feels like something is going to jump out from behind me and tell me I'm wrong and that it's all my fault. I try to tell myself this is silly, but the feelings are real. The more I read about shame the more I see how much of a strangle hold it has on us suffers.

 

[zymogram]

When I read all of your sharing thoughts about shame, I feel very sad that you all experience it. I can feel your pain and it makes me cry. I cry for what you have survived and cry that I too share this.

Are we all our worst enemies? I beat myself up constantly, I always feel like a failure. Knowing I am not alone in this helps me. Thank you all for sharing and willing to be vulnerable and exposed. I have the shame of what happened and carry the shame of negative coping mechanisms I use or have used,

 

[mamachick]

One of the difficulties is, even when we remove those who caused the shame from our lives, the shame lives on. Even when we know others are responsible, the shame does not disappear. I think some of us seek a nurturing partner to be the parent that was not nurturing and that shamed us. When we dont get what we need or are further abused, we instinctively put it back on ourselves. I think the shame is deeply tied to negative self talk, such as not being worthy, lovable, etc. When we get these messages long enough from outsiders, we question, and then dont expect our basic needs to be met. May feel selfish for needing anything.

Little by little, we confront our positive attributes. For example, I have always been a very honest person. I dont feel that way about myself anymore because my ex hides money and will watch me do without necessities. So I have to be a bit dishonest just to get necessities-because he does not have any real idea of what food costs. Recently, we had a money discussion and he said that I use the money he gives me for other than what I am suppose to. I got my checkbook out and started listing the checks to the pharmacy, the vet, the doctors appointments, counseling, lightbulbs paper towels and toilet paper, etc. When I was done blasting him, I felt more honest. I asked him which items I should forego, medication, toilet paper, or dog food. It was clear that luxuries do not exist.

It just seems like a vicious cycle.

 

[Philippa]

I think that's how it really is too brat.

And if we do dare to think we might deserve better, someone always seems to show up in our external reality to knock us off our pedestal and tell us otherwise.

It's a very hard thing to move past. I wonder if anyone ever really does?

 

[mamachick]

Exactly right.....they are waiting in line....and no paranoai here.

I dont know if anyone ever moves past. There are other things that have brought me shame too. I know its not legitimate. My (now 36 yr old daughter) is a druggie and has been repeatedly involved in criminal behavior. Most have been drugs and stealing and schemes. However, a few yrs ago she was with her bf when he shot a man (drug dealer). She only spend 6 months in jail but withing 2 yrs, she was with another group (4 altogether) and 2 men mugged and 85 yr old woman. This caused her to fall and break her hip. She had been her husbands caretaker and even went to the gym a few times a week. Following this, she had 2 surgeries, they both needed nursing care as she could not even go to the bathroom on her own. It disgusted me, yet I took on her shame. She spent a year and half in prison.

Her father is bi polar and she suffers it as well. Actually, she has brought shame to much of my life. Ignorant people say things that blame parents for everything their kids do. Even though I had her in counseling from 11-15, I finally had her removed from my home when I knew she was abusing my other 2 duaghters.

Funny how I do not take credit for the others 2 successes and good moral judgement. I have felt proud of them though.

I spent the first 25 yrs of life being ashamed of being the product of my mothers affair.

Its insanity when you think about it.

 

[maddog]

I am constantly horrified by the power of shame and its ability to outmuscle even the strongest binds of logic and reason, and to prevail, even when there is not a shred of objective evidence to support it.

I actually feel as though it is a core part of my personality and a building block of my entire self concept. Removing it is akin to destroying the heart and soul of me, and I don't know how that's even done.

For that reason, I wonder often if it ever truly leaves us, or if somehow, bit by bit, we just learn to fight it situationally, and to somehow try to score points against it where we can. I know that for me, the events and circumstances which reinforce that shame are a thousand times more long lasting and impactful than those which disprove it, and so the battle against it always feels so unfair and unbalanced.

I fear I am sometimes quite defeatist in my battle against shame - it has that ability to drain courage and energy and belief the longer you fight against it, like a cancer.

Maddog

 

[Britt.f7]

I notice, when my depression is in full swing, that the feeling of shame is closer to the surface. Minor infractions will bring it on. Such as when I was recently edited for a post and they found fault. I immediately felt bad even though I know, realistically, it is nothing I should feel bad about.

Lately I have had a fear of going out. I realize that I am ashamed of my physical appearance. Of course that is only one of the reasons, but, the fact is, it is there.

Shame is suppose to be part of the conscious to make you aware when you have done something wrong. I think, with depression and low self esteem, it is broken. It makes you feel bad even when you shouldn't.

I'm trying to conquer by talking to myself. Trying to replace the negative with the positive, but it is a constant struggle.