Therapist hugged me!

[RoadtoHappy]

I don’t know where to start. The past 3 weeks in therapy have been very difficult. But something has changed. My T opened up to me about her experience with OCD in the past and it changed everything. I had put her on a pedal stool. In my eyes although as she says I am human, she was amazing. Very caring, kind, gentle, very beautiful, full of empathy and understanding and what I imagined to be an incredible mother and wife. When she disclosed this after a year of therapy it changes how I saw myself, how I saw myself overcoming my PTSD and ocd. it opened a doorway to more trust than I could imagine. Two weeks ago I had a panic attack In her office. I asked her to hold my hand for the first time ever. She did. This week I let myself go even more into my emotions and she asked could she hold my hand and touch me, I said yes and while In a state of panic she hugged me. Yesterday, I tried avoid feeling that fear panic and pain, instead as usual I vomited. My body seems to reject me experiencing that level of emotion. I projectile puked (apologies TMI) in the toilet and didn’t have time to lock the door. After a few moments she came into the bathroom, she kindly pulled me up and we went back to the room. I started to freak out, hyperventilating shaking and feeling back in the worst moments of my trauma. My mind knew where I was but my body and the feelings and emotions were back there and I could t escape. She held both my hands the whole way through, continuously reassured me I am
Safe. I am
Not there. I am safe and I am loved. She hugged me. She held my pain and she sat with me through it all. I spent the whole next day on the verge of tears. But I have felt little fear. I felt the tears for how lucky I am after two other t’s I didn’t connect with, to be so blessed with such an amazing T. I would never cross boundaries. Boundaries are very important for both of us. But she has showed me the other side of humanity. She has shown me her incredible kindness and love. I know I am her job, I am not stupid and fully aware she cares because it’s her job to do so and that’s why she is a therapist but that’s why she is such a great therapist. I know how lucky I am
To have her as my T. I feel so validated. I felt very soothed and comforted in a moment of incredible pain shame and hurt. She gave to me what I now believe to be why I developed my PTSD. The night I was brutally raped and assaluted, I was alone, I told no one not a soul. At 14 I held that dirty secret so tight. I did not speak
Of it for over 5 years. I pushed it so far down in my soul that eventually it exploded. I Lead a life of drugs and disassociation because I couldn’t cope with any of it but in the Past year I have told my family, I reported it to the police, I now tell people I go to therapy, I am
Getting better at telling them why. She has given me so much of myself back and I cannot thank her enough. I know how lucky I am with all the amazing blessings I have in my life and I really do appreciate them
All. Everyday I am thankful. I know the road is not walked. I know there are still many many obstacles in front of me but I just have to note my progress and my blessings. And I have to say thank you to my T. To all the great T’s, that really make such a difference every day in people’s lives. I have a T that was not afraid to hug me or hold me when it was so badly needed. She made me feel normal. Sad and scared but normal and not disgusting and shameful. I am
Emotional
All day because I feel
So validated in my pain.

Can anyone else relate???

 

[littleoc]

No — the idea of that absolutely terrifies me.

But I’m glad you’re thankful and that’s it is working out well :)

 

[Still Standing]

I am glad that you have been able to accept the encouraging touch your therapist offered you. I hope it helps to open the closed doors in your emotional life. It is not easy to accept touch after traumas. It is something some of us have to relearn in a safe and healthy manner. However, for me, I have given strong directions for mine to never touch me. That is a subject to addressed later in therapy, if needed. But, I can relate to you in that there are certain people who can hug me. And these are from people I know and trust. To have someone you trust and who can be nurturing to you is a good step in your healing. I am happy that you were able to accept this attention from your T.

 

[PDH]

I’ve had a kind similar experience with my T in regards to touch. She is trained in Hakomi. It’s a long story of what led to this moment, but she sat next to me with her hand on my stomach where I was experiencing pain, and I had my hand placed over hers. We sat there and I just let go and cried and cried.
She obviously asked permission before any touch or coming closer to me, and it was very respectful.
But for that moment it was like whatever memory by body was having at the time was being met with compassion and non judgement.
That session opened a lot of doors for me.

 

[Existentialanalyst]

If my therapist hugged me I’d appreciate it in a moment of despair if I needed a hug and grounding. She would have shown humanity and caring in that moment and I’d appreciate that. However I’d probably be not comfortable with the incident afterwards and I’d bring it up and talk again how this might feel like she’s taken control over emotional wreck of a person in a most vulnerable moment. Without asking for permission. Never actually happened in my therapy but I do remember moment when I felt she’s about to touch me and me thinking please don’t