Therapist Is Unreliable. Am I Too Dependent?

[somerandomguy]

So this is the second week in a row that my therapist has cancelled our session. Last week she cancelled the morning of due to snow. At least this time she cancelled the night before (after I had gone to bed, however). She's missed at least four sessions in the last four months; only one was due to illness.

I really, really like my therapist, but I am disturbed by her unreliability. If this had been almost any other therapist I've seen, I'd email and fire them. But I realize that I would feel terrible if I did that with my current therapist, because I feel like we're doing such good work (when she bothers showing up).

I am wondering if the fact that I don't want to fire her when I believe I SHOULD fire her for her unprofessionalism means that I have become overly dependent on her.

So I should totally just fire her, right?

 

[SnowyLeopard]

Your feelings are very valid and I'm sorry she's been so unreliable to you. I don't have a lot of experience with therapists so I can't offer too much advice- but perhaps think of messaging her about her unprofessionalism before firing her? There's really no excuse, but it way make her clean up her act in order to show up more.

 

[somerandomguy]

I guess I need to talk about it with her next time I see her (assuming she shows up). Even that just seems so overly dependent to me. Is giving someone a second chance being too accommodating? I don't know.

 

[watundah]

Not quite yet. You need to tell her the outages are an issue.

I waited a couple of years to say something to mine because initially I was intimidated and sat on my resentment. Finally, I told her that missing so many sessions (like 1 or 2 per month almost every month) was excessive, wasn't meeting my needs, and if she had intended to only be available part time, she should have told me at the beginning. I even checked w a therapist friend who told me she only got 4 weeks/year and my T was indeed out a lot. T pushed back initially and agreed finally how the inconsistency was an issue worth considering. I am shocked and amazed that she changed and now only misses a couple of times per year.

Sure, occasionally they get sick or they go to professional training and so on, but we need to know that we can rely on them to be there for us. (What irks me is, how do they not know this?!)

Four sessions in four months would start to annoy me, too. But you owe it to yourself and your relationship and healing to ask her if this is the norm now, which isn't acceptable to you, or just a busy patch. Good luck!

 

[qwyoey]

How long have you been seeing your current therapist? The outages seem annoying, but assuming you are in the northeast I know I've had to reschedule 3 sessions myself with my therapist due to the blizzards. There isn't a lot that can be done about the weather.

 

[Friday]

You sound like a disappointed boss who is being forced by company policy to fire a really talented employee due to circumstances outside of their control. (Unless your T can control the weather, in which case, I'd like a few words with them.)

You realize that's not the case, right? There is no "should". You're not the guardian of her professionalism (bothering to show up for work, deciding whether or not her reasons are justified/ illness, weather, etc.), it's not your job to teach her anything (chances & second chances), nor do you have to rate punctuality over talent (although you can). You can choose to continue working with her, just because you want to.

Doesn't mean you have to, either. You can fire the most brilliant & professional therapist on the planet because you hate their argyle socks. As a client, instead of a boss, you don't have to have any kind of logical or justifiable reason to sack someone & find a replacement... You want to? Done. Voila. Conversely, as a client instead of a boss, you have total freedom to work with someone that even a union rep would shrug and say "It's completely fair if you want to let them go." (Said no union rep, ever.)

It all comes down to you. What you want matters.

 

[Suzetig]

I don't think "second chances" mean you're over dependant - if you're doing useful work together being able to talk to her about the cancellations and their impact on you could be very therapeutic and give a model of being able to work to fix things in relationships when they go wrong.

 

[somerandomguy]

Thanks very much for all these responses. All of them are very helpful and contain much food for thought.

 

[mrsps]

Argh that would frustrate and disappoint me too. I need consistency and there are times where I almost live each week to see my T.
My current T that I have been seeing for almost 2 years has never cancelled on me. She has taken a few holidays but has always told me in advance. She said right at the beginning that she is committed to her work, this is something I really appreciate.
I think it would be helpful for you to bring this issue up with your T.

 

[NightSky]

I saw a T for 2 years who never canceled a single session. And I got almost nothing out of it.
The one I've been seeing now for 1.5 yrs cancels or skips weeks fairly regularly. As in maybe once every 6 weeks or so. Sometimes more (feeling the snow pain with fellow northeasterners). And I make progress with her and like and trust her, so although I hate when it happens, it isn't a deal breaker for me. I've gotten much better at handling it and in a way it helps me learn to lean on my other resources a little more.
I think it's a very personal decision- only you know what constitutes a deal breaker and there isn't a right or wrong answer.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think it's personal, and who knows the reasons? Ultimately I think the biggest concerns are capability, trust, genuineness, progress or results, as in how you feel/ strength, safety, etc, but they may be different for you?

Good luck with whatever you feel right to choose. :hug:

 

[Sideways]

Cancellations from my T throw me for six. It's fortunately a rare event for me, but when it does happen? Out come my abandonment demons full throttle. And of course it only ever seems to happen when I'm really not coping (of course).

But the reason for the cancellations is pretty relevant to me personally in how I deal with that. If my T cancelled because, say, they were snowed in, and we were in the middle of a massive snow blizzard, I'm struggling to see how that's unprofessional...?? I don't think there's an onus on my T to show up if getting to work is virtually impossible or outright dangerous for them. And if they're sick, please please cancel and don't give me the flu or whatever bug they've got! Sometimes people have an unlucky stretch, you know? Everyone has sick days, even Ts who have patients that depend on them.

Unless it wasn't really snowing...