Therapist Not Getting Bigger Picture With Parents

[Pauline]

Hi guys so today in therapy I told her how I don't want to be around my father and how I find him scary in general I feel like she is not getting the bigger picture she keeps focusing on me being in a relationship I don't think that is going to fix my life or problems it just makes me feel inadequate. I had a huge fight with my mother as she always sticks up for my father and never sees my point of view I tried to tell my therapist how scared I was of guys but I don't think she is getting the point that my body is actually really stressed anyway after every session I always feel worse and think the bad thing is going to happen again I always want to self harm I feel like I can't cope at the moment and I am scared to tell her that I'm feeling slightly suicidal because I've been down that road before and I don't know how she is going to help me. I have stopped relying on my mother and don't want to see her for a while I've been hurt so badly by family and I just can't take it anymore

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m really concerned that you have major life stressors going on but your therapist is focusing on getting you into a relationship.

Is this person a trauma specialist?

Unfortunately many people (therapists included) think that relationships ie partner relationships are the end all and be all of happiness and having a good life. They don’t really “get it” so to speak, and push this aspect on to others, even if it’s unwanted.

 

[Pauline]

I felt that to today she said my biggest fear was of being abandoned I don't think so I think my psychiatrist thinks the same I don't think she is getting the whole picture of me even though I have told her everything she is not helping me with the trauma and I feel like even though she is good I just feel worse after seeing her I don't really know what do to do be honest I don't know if getting a relationship will fix my problems I think she should have focused more on the aspect of healing my body before being in a solid relationship I mean I'm not therapist but that's just what I gathered I'm so fed up of trying to fix myself and trying to get therapist to understand me

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't know if getting a relationship will fix my problems

It won’t.

What it will do is take time away from healing....what I mean is that when we are drowning with symptoms, a relationship is just a distraction from taking care of ourselves. I think that relationships can be very beneficial, but not when we’re symptomatic and have a lot on our plates that demands urgent attention.

I just feel worse after seeing her

It’s not uncommon to walk out of therapy feeling worse......but! it’s also possible that this therapist isn’t really helping and feeling worse is an indication of that. (Sometimes good therapy makes us feel worse, too.)



Have you tried talking to your therapist about these things? Have you told her you don’t want a relationship right now and want to work on your home situation?

 

[Pauline]

I've told her I feel very uncomfortable about the whole topic in general I mentioned my issue with my parents I've told her quite a lot and re opened the wounds I'm not sure what to do now I think I'm in too deep to get out I feel like my trauma of my memory loss needs to be addressed first before any of the other issues can be adressed because if I'm honest with myself that is the one thing that is holding me back if that is healed than I can focus on other aspects of my life

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you tell her that you want to focus on the memory loss issues right now because it’s causing you so much stress?

 

[Pauline]

Yeah I think I will but I also have been in therapy three years for this issue and I feel like it's a never ending cycle I am just losing all hope if I will ever heal I know you can't do much on here but it's just a never ending battle amen extremely tiring but thank you for supporting me on here

 

[Friday]

Is she talking about you getting into a romantic relationship, or building relationships with people other than your parents, so you’re not so wholly dependent on them for all of your mental/emotional/social needs?

Romance -vs- Building an Independent Support Structure

 

[Pauline]

She was mainly talking about romantic relationships because she knows I have a good group of friends around

 

[Abstract]

Hi Pauline.
I can't help but feel concerned following your threads over a period of time. For a few reasons. I do ask questions but don't receive the answers. I mean that very kindly. Am concerned about you and want what is best for you.

My concerns:
1. That you are hoping for people including your therapists to guess and tell you what has has happened to you and the result.
2. That your therapist may not be a trauma therapist and may not be aware of the the diagnoses and the trauma listed associated with it.
3. That you describe concerns about a specific type of trauma without any awareness of a related memory or with any specific physical body related memories that indicate it has happened.
4. That it is possible that you aren't receiving trauma therapy for which I assume has related to your diagnoses.

I understand coming from a background where it is hard to put your thoughts out there and where others are blamed for feelings and reactions. I also understand how scary it is to verbalise trauma and what has happened to us when we do know what has happened but are either avoidant or find it hard to acknowledge,.

In truth expecting others to speak for us or making others responsible for our verbalisations are bad family lessons imparted. Sadly others cant speak our experience first. WE need to do that. We also need to be careful to not fill in gaps as that can make us sicker. Its also important that we receive treatment from people who understand our diagnoses and can help us.

1. Does your therapist know the specifics of your diagnoses and the trauma with which it is associated.
2. is your therapist a trauma therapist and know this is your diagnoses.
3. What have you told your therapist about your experiences.

I feel like my trauma of my memory loss needs to be addressed first before any of the other issues can be adressed because if I'm honest with myself that is the one thing that is holding me back if that is healed than I can focus on other aspects of my life

I know I have told you this so many times and I know how it is that we don't want to go towards our trauma but from what you have said before this is the medical trauma that you know about and for which you have been diagnosed. I do think this is where you need to start. If she isn't a trauma therapist and doesn't understand the situation then this is unlikely to go anywhere. Especially if you have issues asking for what you need and spelling out your experiences. Or owning your own feelings and experiences without others qualifying them.

 

[joeylittle]

I feel like my trauma of my memory loss needs to be addressed first before any of the other issues can be adressed because if I'm honest with myself that is the one thing that is holding me back

Are you talking about the memory loss around the time you couldn't breathe and blacked out?

 

[Abstract]

She was mainly talking about romantic relationships because she knows I have a good group of friends around

Im afraid if that is her reference point and you aren't saying anything more specific then that is a normal response from her.