Therapist return - attachment/connection is kind of gone?

[Skywatcher]

My T just got back from her time off. We prepared for her leaving because I have some pretty big abandonment issues. She also responded to emails 8 times in the 21 days apart. Our last appointment before she left was very good. I felt close to her and strong enough for her to go. I was going to be okay. Did emdr on it and it pulled up the deaths of my best unconditional people in my life. So I knew why the abandonment fears were there. She is now back. Yesterday’s appointment was boring and very “doctor like.” We didn’t do any trauma work. The part I don’t understand is that now she just seems normal. The attachment/connection is kind of gone. Has this ever happened to anyone? I have so much to work on still, but it’s like I shoved all of my feelings away. (Still some anxiety present, that I only recognize because my foot keeps shaking)

 

[grit]

I am probably wrong but I thought I will share my feelings about your post. It seems you are allocating her a lot of feelings. she seems normal? what does that mean? are you feeling normal? the connection is gone? how so? maybe you are getting stronger?
I do not have abandonment issues but I have terror issues like I will go mad, full psychosis, and maybe hurt others...so maybe in a weird way I could understand that tangible fear. But I did go to psychosis and came back actually just like a baby, I bounced back and was fine...it was terrifying but it was in therapy room and I roll with it.

I think abandonment (I said think here not feel) can be dealt similar ways in such she left you to go to vacation, that is a bit of abandonment for the inner child. She is back now and you are probably just a bit pissed off like you would as a baby and maybe all your feelings are just exactly what should happened. You are realizing as an adult, nothing bad happened. the inner child is waiting for some acknowledgement that yeah, you were abandoned but the adult of you is OK to take care of your inner one.

This is all confusing for you because you are not translating it to the past. You are staying with it in the present trying to figure it out.

the ultimate feeling I got was you were abandoned and survived and here to tell. That is a huge accomplishment. You are not recognizing things because a new window just opened it for you.

Not sure any of these make sense but I got the feeling you just re-enacted a major theme in your life and you are OK. The OK part you are not recognizing and you are looking for the enmeshment with the therapy that is gone now cause you are integrated in some ways.

 

[Skywatcher]

I am probably wrong but I thought I will share my feelings about your post. It seems you are allocating he...

That explains some stuff to me. For example we talked about how things went while she was gone. I told her that the first missed appointment I felt really angry and by the second missed appointment I was fine/calm. At some point in our session she said “during my 2 weeks away” and I corrected her with “you were gone 21 days.” Then I had to explain that I realize it was only two missed sessions but I tend to keep track by days. So yes... very inner child likes to think that way. Yes, maybe some healing on that issue. I just feel so weird about it all. I feel like I also have some sort of shield or wall in place. Like I have now put her in a therapy box. I start to recognize how one sided therapy is. The child in me did become very attached to her and I don’t feel it now.

 

[grit]

Not sure where I heard this could be the 100 googles I do but I think one of the way to know you are healing fully is the therapist becomes just a therapist. I think you may be resisting to acknowledge to your inner child, the therapist is just a therapist. She replayed the hurt you had when your a parent abandoned you and you survived then (albeit with a trauma) and now you have an adult side that can soothe you. I think it is really important to celebrate moments of small steps (though I think this is a huge step).

I watched a movie called Calibre that other day. There was a moment when the two main characters felt they are trapped in the city. Because I have felt that trap, I started to sweat and honestly felt the trap myself. All of sudden, I said outloud, it is just a movie (insert my name here), just a movie. I swear the panicking inner child heard me and boom the anxiety knot dissipated. Wow! I was like it just took a real present time of I acknowledging to get rid of that. I felt great.

Your adult child needs to focus convincing the inner child, the therapist is just a therapist, you are find. she (little self) is fine. And all survived an abandonment.

I hope you feel this. You are really lucky to have this experience. I am happy for you and sort of getting happy for me for noticing your inner child needs...which means (in a selfish way) I am also just soothing mine.

 

[NightSky]

This happens to me. I’m very attached to my T. I go through all kinds of stages and feelings when she’s gone. It’s tremendousky hard to start back up. I put everything in a box, along with her and my feelings about her, and put a lid on it. It takes some time for the lid to be lifted and for it to feel safe again when she comes back. I’ve been with her three years and two week breaks have happened several times a year. And each time it’s as you describe. I have stated jumping in with how i don’t want to be there and how i feel about her in the moment, when she returns. That helps me break the ice and keeps it from being a “small talk” session, which I hate, but for some may be necessary.

 

[Skywatcher]

This happens to me. I’m very attached to my T. I go through all kinds of stages and feelings when sh...

Thank you so much for chiming in. It helps me feel less insane!

 

[Friday]

The attachment/connection is kind of gone. Has this ever happened to anyone? I have so much to work on still, but it’s like I shoved all of my feelings away. (Still some anxiety present, that I only recognize because my foot keeps shaking)

Is the attachment & connection what’s gone, or the fear of abandonment what’s gone?

Does attachment feel real to you without the fear and anxiety?

^^^
This can be one of those self perpetuating things, when you’re so used to the fear & anxiety / it’s such a part of what you recognize... that a person can actually go out of their way to create fear, instead of learning what secure/healthy attachment feels like.

It’s a big part of why people in DV are recommended to take a few years off of dating, because healthy relationships feel boring/flat/wrong without the abuse component. Even though you don’t like the abuse, the absence of it is worse in many ways, because it’s hard to feel/recognize love & friendship without pain & fear being tangled up in it. At best it feels like something important is missing, or no feeling at all... and at worst it just feels flat out wrong / bad.

To be clear, I’m not saying this IS what’s happening, just suggesting the possibility.

 

[Skywatcher]

I’m starting to feel that it is a little bit of what everyone is saying. @Friday @NightSky @grit

It is kind of like the three of you hit three different times of my life all in this post.
It’s been a year of therapy and I actually decided to actively trust her a couple of weeks before she left and maintained it while she was gone. Everything she had predicted in me handling it happened. So... I guess her return was boring. I keep actively looking for things that are wrong. The abandonment fears, am I too annoying/dependent which will cause her to leave? She keeps just being her, which is good. Trust is so hard to maintain. It really is scary.

 

[Still Standing]

Not sure where I heard this could be the 100 googles I do but I think one of the way to know you are healing fully is the therapist becomes just a therapist.

The other thing I might mention is the EMDR you did. I just completed on hard trauma and no matter how hard I try, I cannot recreate the emotional angst concerning it. Perhaps your EMDR session/s has also helped to decrease your abandonment and attachment issue with your therapist.

 

[ShadowWolf]

This just happened to me with my therapist. He was on vacation for a week, so it was 2 weeks between appointments. And at my session with him (the first since the break), I felt like the connection was gone, or at least, it was a far away feeling.

For me, I see it as my inner child being attached, and since I couldn't see the therapist for a while, it was like telling my inner child that she can't get what she wants, so stop asking. So then when I show up to my appointment, it's my adult self, and it doesn't feel safe enough for the kid-like feelings to come out.

I also have a hard time knowing what to expect from people I haven't seen in a while anyway. It's like I can't predict if they will still like me or if they will be mad at me. If I interact with people, I can usually tell that those are irrational feelings. But when I'm not around them, those thoughts seem more true.

I think it's because my mother was so inconsistent between being caring towards me or angry at me when I was a child, but I'm not sure. I only saw her a couple of times a week, since she was my non-custodial parent. It could be from something else entirely.

 

[Surfergal]

Your post resonates so much with me. I find any break at all from my therapist and the 'connection' is gone after a few hours/days. I tried to explain it a few times to him but I'm not sure he 'got' what I meant. I am hugely attached to my T and think of him ALOT. I always hate the idea of him leaving for a break but I also that know I will be fine and can and will survive. The first day or two is the hardest and I find myself constantly thinking of him. Each day after that my feelings for him lessen and then by the time he comes back he is almost like a stranger again. The last time I told him this he seemed quite happy and said it was a good thing. I don't think it is though as I don't think it's a sign of me having developed a secure attachment to him (which I think is what he thinks it is) but more a repeating of patterns from my childhood. My mother had mental health issues whereby she was a 'good' mom when she was there but then would essential 'disappear' into her illness and become a different person...a frightening, aggressive, horrible person. I would feel connected to her during her good times and then BAM she would be gone....It is clear to me that over time I learnt to switch off my feelings for her to protect my self when the good 'normal' mom was gone. I see the therapy situation almost as a reenactment of this. My good therapist is there and we develop and deep connection and then suddenly no wait he is gone!...My loss of connection with my T is not as a result of feeling 'secure' but more as a result of 'switching off'.... I see this pattern with other people in my life when I leave them or vice versa for a planned period of time.

I'm not sure if this is the same for you but it's just my situation and your post sounded quite similiar..

I don't really know how to resolve this issue with maintaining the connected feeling. I am aware of it happening with various people in my life yet I can't seem to change it from awareness alone. If anyone has any good ideas I would love to hear them?

Sorry not trying to take over your thread with my last question. Maybe only helpful if you can resonate with my story.

 

[Skywatcher]

@Surfergal, I consider my thread open to anyone’s questions. We are apparently all trying to figure this out!

I will say that my T is very active in answering emails at the end of her time off and during the weeks following. I even told her today that I’m sorry that I am sending her so many emails and that I seem to be having an inner battle, trying to not believe the negative thoughts I seem to be having towards myself. I do believe that her emails help me a lot with this. She is reassuring and even though I keep thinking she will become strict or start saying that I am selfish and kick me out, she never does.