Therapist Scolded Me

[Jon Decker]

Hi @katiekat thanks for sharing and I'm sorry for your experience.

Do you see an opportunity to discuss how you felt with your therapist next time you meet? It could be very rewarding for you and provide you both awareness on their reaction?

 

[Kintsugi]

I can see how she upset you by saying what she did the way that she said it. I prefer approaching people with this issue by expressing that the self-deprecating person is hurting someone I care about (themselves), and I insist that no one should speak to my friends in such a manner, including themselves.

I personally benefit from confrontations such as this one. More often than not, I need someone to be blunt with me. Clearly this approach was not beneficial to you, so your T made a mistake by employing that tone.

I agree that you should share your reaction with you T and talk through how and why this was counterproductive to your healing. Maybe you could work on this issue from a different angle, one that doesn't involve harsh confrontation and doesn't put you on the defensive.

 

[StellaBlue]

I agree with much of what others have said. I think her message was probably meant well (and valid) but not well delivered. I suspect that what she was trying to point out was that your negative self-talk is not serving you well.

I think if she had, perhaps, validated your feelings first, then pointed out that the thoughts behind those feelings might be causing you distress, it would have been more successful...as in "based on your history, it makes sense that you would feel that way, but I would like to suggest that XYZ would be..."

As an aside, I'd be very careful with reading too much into semi-paranormal experiences. I think folks with PTSD tend to be "sensitive" but whether it's a biological factor predisposes someone to PTSD or whether it's a learned survival skill, I don't know. Either way, I think it's something to be aware of but can turn into a "rabbit hole".

 

[scout86]

how she said I am cruel,

I would be willing to bet that she didn't say YOU were cruel. I would bet that she said something like what you were SAYING was cruel. She wasn't criticizing YOU, she was commenting on what you were saying.

Why was she so blunt? I don't know. Could be she thought she had to go pretty far to get your attention. Would it have gotten your attention like it did if she had said some soft and fuzzy thing to the effect that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself? I'll bet you've heard that a million times. I'll bet you KNOW it, to a point, but haven't accepted the idea very deeply, yet.

I appreciate that my T seems to be on my side. I ALSO appreciate it when he tells me that I'm acting like an idiot. Because if HE doesn't, who will? And if no one does, how am I supposed to figure it out? There's some kind of a line here, somewhere. I'd just as soon not deal with a T who's channeling one of @FridayJones ' DI's all the time. But I know perfectly well I can get off on tangents where I'm basically chasing my own tail, sometimes to the point of exhaustion, and I appreciate that my T will try to get me to notice. Failing that, he'll say something to suggest "You need to stop that!"

What else could your T have done, to get your attention and make the point? There may well be approaches that would have worked better for you, do you know what they are?

"Validating" the way someone feels is one thing. "Validating" something like a person running themselves down is another. I seriously doubt she was trying to trick you. I'm pretty sure she was just tired of listening to your inaccurate descriptions of yourself.

 

[Kintsugi]

I just want to say I really think @scout86 hit the nail on the head above. Bravo.

 

[katiekat]

The things that I was talking about were things she doesn't totally understand (my profession) and I was trying to explain to her that I have xyz concerns about my career (been fired from 6 jobs since college, been told by employers that I don't have what it takes to do this kind of job) and I'm trying to work out those issues and it's a main area of focus for what I want to figure out. I'm already well aware of the problem of negative self talk and if her method of treatment is to scold me into freeze-mode and not allow me to hash it out and talk freely about my problems, then I'm not sure if she can help me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe after being fired six times it's time to look for a new career path? Unfortunately they lied to us as kids when they said we could be anything we want to be. And with ptsd our options are even more restricted.

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like she's been a bit clumsy in how she's gone about it but you know that your negative self talk needs to e challenged? It would be the easiest thing to quit with her as your therapist, and you have the right to do that, but it might be a valuable experience for you to go back and talk to her about how you experienced her. I've had times when I'd rather focus on the way my therapist has said something to justify my resistance to it instead of accepting the truth of what she has to say. Might it be easier for you to decide you just can't talk about "stuff" anymore than to try to reframe the way you talking about your stuff so that it's less harsh?

I have a bit of a quirk where doing "something wrong = I'm a bad person" and my therapist challenges this every single time, sometimes gently and at other times much less so. We have a strong relationship which can stand fairly direct challenge, your therapist may have thought your therapeutic relationship is stronger than it is and as gone in a bit too hard - it doesn't change for a second the truth of what she's said.

 

[shimmerz]

PTSD tend to be "sensitive"

...or shut down. I found that when sensitive I would often times 'know' what someone else's intentions were by projecting my feelings (mainly my need for safety) into their words or actions. It was like walking in the desert with no markers. All bad. So many misjudgements of others characters I made because of this.

 

[shimmerz]

it's a main area of focus for what I want to figure out.

This is a tough one. I feel like when our 'here and now' is going to hell, that takes front stage over global issues. Obviously I wasn't there so don't know what was said, but I have to admit, this has me thinking....

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

My thoughts..my thoughts..okay, collected.

Your therapist's approach was stark and scary. We, as sufferers, are already walking on broken glass enough. Our bodies as well as our minds cut up by the shards of pain as the scars are reopened time and time again, not by choice. A therapist is there to HELP you through your healing with a smooth even method of dealing with such fragility. Coming at you like a bull in a china shop, she needs to curtail her own thinking and let you FEEL....she's not letting you FEEL.....

She's not wanting you to play the victim card, and I can see what she's trying to say however, she is brash about her approach which is uncalled for. Traumatize the traumatized; damn those know-it-alls! Get a therapist that specializes in PTSD healing (this is what I've told those with PTSD) because counselors with a "drive thru" mentalities are making situations worse. I'd just change therapists....

 

[scout86]

I was talking about my fears and concerns about finding a new job and she interrupted me and (in my opinion) scolded me. She said, "If no one else is going to say this, I guess I have to because I cannot stand the way you are talking so negatively about yourself. You are being so cruel and you need to stop it

I don't know about her approach. I wasn't there. I'm also not a trained therapist. So, no opinion on how she chose to handle it. Not enough information, for me.

When I read what you wrote, one of the things I wondered is why you're already looking for a new job, instead of dealing with the negative job review. No one likes criticism, but it's a chance to learn. When you've changed jobs that much, unless you WANT to change jobs that much (and you SAID you got fired), it seems like it might be good to try to see if there's a pattern. Maybe you, for some reason, keep landing jobs in "bad places to work". If so, is there a reason for that pattern? Maybe, for some reason, you have a problem getting along in a lot of work places. Again, if that's the case, what are the reasons? If there are reasons, are they things you CAN change and might want to change, or are they things that just are the way they are? If that's the case, what can you do differently to get more stability in your work life?

Your reaction to the T was feeling defensive, if I understand correctly. You felt like you should defend yourself for being hard on yourself? Is that right? Does that mean that you disagree that the self criticism is excessive? Do you feel like being that hard on yourself serves a useful purpose? Now that you've had a chance to think about it, do you STILL think being that hard on yourself is "right" and/or useful? In fact, I'm kind of curious about how much time you've spent thinking about the comments the T made and how much time you've spent "defending yourself", even in your own mind?

If it turns out that you have some issues you need to work on, that does NOT make you a "bad person". It's kind of a waste of energy to spend much energy, beating yourself up anyway. If you have some issues that you could work on to improve your work life, all that makes you is human and it means there's a chance life can be better. Somehow, you'd have to find out what those issues are. I don't see how having your feelings validated gets you there, but maybe I just don't see it.

Again, I don't have the information to know if this has any merit, but, some people react to criticism by running themselves down. Lots of possible reasons for that. A job isn't therapy. In a job, if there's a problem, if needs to be solved and going on about what an awful, worthless person you are does NOT solve the actual problem. There may have been a time in your earlier life where running yourself down DID solve the problem. (Probably was, in fact.) But that's not now and it's not at work. All of that is stuff best worked on in therapy. There's a pretty good chance the process is going to involve accepting that there are better ways of looking at things and doing things than what you've come up with so far. And also that you deserve to succeed. All of which probably means listening to stuff you may not be comfortable hearing.