Therapist talked about his problems, now I don't want to talk about mine

[Cypress]

Last week my T, who so far I like a lot and trust as much as I am able told me that he was having a hard day because his pet was dying. I felt bad for him and we talked about it for about 5 minutes at the beginning and end of session. I asked questions and gave advice the way you would with a friend at work.

At first I thought this was ok because if he were distracted in session, I would know that it wasn't because of me. But now I am feeling like, given that he is having this tough time, I should keep things a little light in therapy. This is trauma therapy after all, I'm sure it feels very heavy to him at times. I know Ts are real people with real lives but I can't explain it, I feel really conflicted now. I guess on some level I wanted a T that was impervious to all the sadness in life.

In every other way he is a good T, very knowledgeable about complex trauma and dissociation which I struggle with and normally he doesn't talk about his personal life that much.

 

[Wendell_R]

The therapeutic relationship is not meant to be "balanced". I've found it helpful to see that my therapist is human, but the focus needs to be on the client. Yes, trauma can be heavy on the therapist, but that's why it's recommended that therapists have their own therapist--so they can take care of themselves without disrupting the therapeutic relationship with their clients. Therapists are human and have bad days occasionally. That's okay, as long as they correct the relationship after the bad day.

But now I am feeling like, given that he is having this tough time, I should keep things a little light in therapy.

No--you need to be able to trust your therapist to be able to handle whatever you say. It's hard enough for us to say what we say in therapy, without the burden of worrying about our therapist.

I guess on some level I wanted a T that was impervious to all the sadness in life.

Maybe think of it this way--therapists are not impervious to sadness, but you deserve time with your therapist that is impervious to their sadness. Having a perfect therapist would be it's own headache--you would feel yourself coming up short as measured against their perfection.

 

[Muttly]

I think this is a great opportunity for you to work on things *with* your therapist. The healthy, but hard thing, in a therapeutic relationship is to tell your T how you are feeling. If your T is a good one, he is not going to be mad or feel burdened. He is going to use it as an opportunity to explore your thoughts and feelings and probably connect it back to your trauma and growth.

As @Wendell_R said, the therapy relationship isn't balance, you do not need to, nor should you, take care of your therapist.

 

[grit]

I hope you realize the part that wants to take care of the therapist in times of hardship is a healthy part of you that does not need a therapist.
I know that is mouthful.
However, your other trauma symptoms need the therapist's guidance and help. So imho, it is OK to share this with the therapist as such that you are human and felt his stress but you would like to go on talking and working through your pressing trauma issues.

 

[Cypress]

I was hoping to avoid talking about this with him but I can see from everyone's feedback that I need to tell him how I am feeling so that I can continue with the trauma work. Kind of dreading it though.

 

[Wendell_R]

Yup. No easy way out. But your therapist will be very understanding about this. My therapist says that our meetings are like practice sessions for real life.

 

[Muttly]

When I've been in situation like yours, I've dreaded it but really gained from the conversation my therapist and I had.

 

[Emotional girl]

@Cypress. Defiantly have a word with him about the way you are feeling.
The therapy room is where you can be open and honest and it may even strengthen your therapeutic relationship.

 

[pam4him]

Sorry your T was having a bad day. For some, pets are an integral part of their families. It was kind of you to allow T some of your time to talk. T's are very much people who have to grieve and deal with loss. However, it is part of his job to put aside his own struggles when tending to his patients so please don't feel like you need to hold back when it is your treatment time. Prayers for wisdom to guide you both.

 

[Cypress]

Thanks everyone for your support. My T actually cancelled the rest of his appointments this week to deal with the loss of his dog so I won't be able to bring this up with him for another week.

I am hoping that when I see him next time he will have had time process the loss a little. I know he has supervision so maybe he will have had time to do that too before I see him again.

I will definitely tell him that I am worried about bringing up heavy stuff with him. Everyone is right - I need and am paying for - a safe space to share all the hard memories and feelings. It doesn't mean I am selfish or don't care about my T.

 

[Wendell_R]

My T actually cancelled the rest of his appointments this week to deal with the loss of his dog

And this is probably best, too. Maybe his recognition that he wasn't able to attend to his clients & his own situation this week.

 

[Friday]

My T actually cancelled the rest of his appointments this week to deal with the loss of his dog so I won't be able to bring this up with him for another week

So you’ve just learned you can count on him to take time away from work if he needs it, and you don’t have to create “time away from work” for him.